23 hours ago
"My iPhone thinks if I typed 'Yeesh,' I really meant Tereshkova."
"Let's get all dressed up and reenact our favorite mistakes!"
"Today was pretty awesome until a toddler's diaper exploded. Thank god we had a custodian on duty, because I had no idea what to do with that much doody."
"There are pop cycles in the freezer for everyone."
"I lived in an apartment near Forest Lake. I always thought the gunshots gave Tuscaloosa a sort of inner-city charm."
"Dang we are going to get tanked Saturday night! I will provide one half full bottle of Zima. That'll get us going. We can pass it around, sing sailor songs, and say stuff like, 'You're the best friend a guy can have!'"
"When I get my hysterectomy I'm going to send her my uterus. Great gag gift!"
A: "Today, an over-tan, makeupped, uppity, whorewife with stale beer breath asked me for 'Twenty-five Shades of Grey by Rosie O'Donnell.' I didn't even play kind with her, I just put my hand on my hip and shook my head."
B: "That seriously happened? Of course it did, what am I thinking? Dave had a customer who referred to pepperoni as 'red circle meat.'"
A: "Let me bite your elbow!"
B: "A weanus is not comfort food!"
A: "Stop arguing!"
A: "I have a positive attitude and and I can bring some whiskey."
B: "Travis does bring a pretty nice positive attitude! His smile is at least 80 watts."
A: "Could be brighter. The yellow on my teeth lights up a room like a 1970's office without windows."
Today's Quotes of the Week are brought to you by a rapid-fire email thread between 7 lady friends.
"I'm at work. Not wearing a bra. Someone needs to know this."
"I'm working on my couch with no bra. Twinsies!"
"I'm working out, wearing two bras."
"What is this 'working out' she speaks of?"
"Well, with my version it's bringing a glass of wine up to my lips and then back down slowly. I usually go braless for that."
"I have to get in shape! I'm getting large."
"I thought I was Kim Kardashian when my ass flashed by the mirror this morning."
"I've never worn a bra before. Although I think I'm going to have to start because my right nipple is starting to actually resemble a nipple."
"YOU'VE NEVER WORN A BRA! Eff you!"
"I look like a 4yr old naked. You're welcome."
"1) I sometimes don't wear a bra even though I have no business not doing so. 2) I've been stress eating like crazy. My ass is beginning to resemble a monster truck. 3) I love this thread."
"Does it have headlights and Roar? If so I cannot wait to touch it!"
"It definitely has treads and a spoiler. I just wish I could run over people with it."
"When my nine thousand year old dad met my far too young mom the first thing he told her was 'you have the most beautiful face, but your ass looks like a Mack truck' and then they got married. So asses are in."
"Also, I am eating a salad like a good girl. I can't help that it is sitting on top of a giant mound of rice pilaf."
"Wtf? Now rice pilaf is bad for you? This world is out of control. There is no hope for my truck ass."
"I'm not saying I hate you. I'm just saying if you got shot, I'd be the shooter."
"When my psychiatrist says something particularly insightful, I tell her, 'Well, now you can diagnose me as 'clinically IMpressed'!"
"There's a wireless network in our building named 'Pretty Fly for a Wi-fi.'"
"These HR meetings sound a lot like Twitter. Everyone is talking about openings and positions they want someone to fill."
"Colonel Mustard did it. In the library. With a candlestick. Pervert. I hope he calls me."
"I believe marriage should remain as God intended: a sacred bond between a man and a woman, formed over a few weeks, through an elimination contest, on national television. Between white people."
"True story: my parents went to a party where the theme was to come dressed in poor taste. My mom trashed herself up, but my dad refused to get in the spirit of things, so just wore his normal clothes. He won second place."
"Chickens love cherries."
"Perfume commercials are a comforting reminder that the world makes no sense."
"I literally turn into a 20-ft cyborg narwhal with flame-thrower testicles every time someone says they literally did something."
"I don't have standards. I have sittards."
A: "My worst nightmare is being punched in the face."
B: "That's a stupid thing to be afraid of when you're an asshole."
A: "Ick! What is this music we're listening to??"
B: "It's the Foo Fighters!"
A: "Gross. It sounds like Dave Matthews."
B: "No it does not! No matter what music you don't like, you always say it sounds like Dave Matthews."
A: "This is true, yes."
A: "If you get cremated, I might keep a little piece of you around my neck."
B: "Like my pelvis?"
"Isn't Pokemon pretty much just kid-friendly cockfighting?"
Facebook status: "Mandatory gay marriage."
"Hey guys, I know the bible got slavery wrong, but I think everything else it has to say must be right." - billions of people for some reason
"Why, god? Why? There are some strange birds in this world and they all have library cards."
"Way to go, North Carolina. The Internet tells me you're the 30th state to constitutionally ban same-sex marriage. The Internet also tells me that your state motto is 'To be, rather than to seem.' Good job being unexceptional rather than just seeming that way."
"I think Veggie Tales might be having the opposite effect intended. Mollie now thinks tomatoes are God."
"The super moon was all up in my windows last night."
"A baby who can hold his own bottle means parents who can play Angry Birds."
"Enough banter sexy be-itches. Kik me the fisting footage as agreed in our contract. This is a DM right?"
"If someone beeps at you because the traffic light just turned green, you can bet that motherfucker is not on Twitter."
"Since months of trashy Netflix has prepared you for this moment, maybe you will find a tiara at the bottom!"
"Thank goodness we solved that whole financial crisis unemployment recession thing and can now focus on important things like stopping love."
A: "Left my windows down when I was parked out back to unload and naturally my boxing gloves were stolen in that ten minute period."
B: "Maybe the boxing gloves thief will get ringworm!"
A: "My hands do not have ringworm. I think my foot is just a scar actually. Will ask my eye doctor to confirm that next week."
This installment of Quotes by the lovely Andrea Delcore could be dubbed "Quotes of My Life." Andrea is a quirky little thing with a giant heart and a great sense of humor. Show her you love her!
Part I: Life at Home
[very late at night]
Me: "I think as long as I can make my own decisions, I don't care if someone wants to marry someone of the same sex or have multiple wives."
Hank: "What if I wanted to take a second spouse...and it was the toaster?"
Me: "I guess I would want to know your reasons."
Hank: "Would you want to get to know the toaster?"
Me: "I DO know the toaster. That's what makes it weird."
Hank just told our dog, Carla: "You are being both bad and gross. I don't know which one I am punishing you for. We do not fight over Jax's puke."
Hank just coined the phrase, "special kind of a--hole."
"I'm thankful that we didn't know Max licked our wedding cake. Until now."
Mom: "You've been saying that for years...you got that from F Troop? I thought you made that up."
Dad: "Dear, I've never had an original thought in my life."
"What does it say about bath time at our house that I found an empty beer bottle among the bath toys after it was over?"
Hank: "Pubic hair? That's what it is. What else do you want me to call it? Pubes?"
Hank [to toddler]: "Henry, do you want to say the prayer tonight?" Henry: "Yes."
Hank: "What do you want to tell God that you're grateful for?"
Hank: "Thank you, God, for cheese."
Follow up comments: "Thank you, cheeses" and "Blessed are the cheesemakers."
Part II: Overheard at the Office
Student: "Have I reached my agulated loan limits?"
Me: "No, but unfortunately you HAVE reached your aggregates."
"The person you are trying to reach is not accepting calls right now. I love that. I'm changing my voicemail to that."
Just got a meeting request. Subject: "I have lemon bites at my desk." Accept!
"Did he just say liberry?!?"
A: "How much would you spend on a pot?"
B: "What kind of pot?"
A: "Cooking pot."
B: "Oh, that kind of pot."
Me: "Oh my gosh. Samich is NOT a word. I'll never last in this place."
[later] "Samich Lady just called a student Mini Van. She thinks that's his name."
[even later] "She may say samich, but she sure makes good tamales."
One of my students changed her name and said, "I am not mentally ill, I am NOT!" Then she threatened me. Sure, you're not.
Just heard my boss say, "My boob denied your request."
Part III: Social Media
"I know there's a God...bacon is proof!!"
"The 1950's called. They want their oppressive gender roles back."
She said, "Although those are in high demand, they aren't sold out... But the shipping costs are a bitch," (after I asked if what she almost bought me was a hawt Brit).
"Eggo cereal with maple syrup flavoring, you are like scented crack...You don't satisfy my tummy and yet, I cannot say no to you..."
Kindergartner: "When I am 100 years old, I will be an old guy with wrinkly skin. I will wear a new shirt everyday. I will live at Alex's house and we will play video games everyday. We will eat orange chicken made by our robot foodmaker. He says 'Make Food' and kills bad guys. He's a transformer, but that's a secret."
A: "That face says it all."
B: "You mean it says, 'Mischief and mayhem?'"
"There was a 'This American Life' episode about a rooster. The guy started loving that rooster, and he wanted to just keep paying the fine. Eventually he had to get rid of it though. It went to live on a farm. Which is where roosters BELONG."
A: "Cleaned my butt off today. Dang. Time for bed."
B: "Nothing better than going to bed with a clean butt. ;)"
Part IV: Any Given Day
"Don't think of it as losing your virginity-think of it as gaining sex."
"This American Life just lost my interest when Ira Glass said Act One was titled Dartmouth Atlas Shrugged."
"I am wondering how string cheese trivia would know that a cat has a higher IQ than monkeys, chimps, and humans. And I'm suspicious." [later] "Re-read string cheese trivia. Maybe a cat is smarter than me. The cat's IQ is SURPASSED only by monkeys, chimps, and humans."
"He was an atheist or a Hindu or something."
"I am boycotting Popeyes on McKinley for being out of Hi-C, only taking cash, and being as rude as I was about it."
"Why do you have to re-push the elevator button? I already pushed it. You can see it's lit up. Keep your hands to yourself."
"Affirmative action: How thousands of white tomato pickers lost their jobs to illegal immigrants."
"I want to know why a Constitution class can't stick to THE CONSTITUTION. You bunch of conservatives. My instructor said, and I quote, 'Sex education has done nothing but teach kids how to have sex.' What sex education class was he in?! And later, he started off an online post with, 'I got this email and I don't know if it's true or not, but...'"
My favorite comment from the Lowell Community charette: "too many hoes in the alleys."
"I can't remember why I hate him, Megan, but I know I do so I just go with it."
My gynecologist asked me if deep penetration was painful. When I said no, he said, "Goooood for you!"
Advice from Redbook: "Be careful when placing solid food in your vagina."
Travis: "Hey, Andrea! I am going to miss the Delcores so much. When I first met you and you were with Hank, I was like, "Damn! She is REALLY young." But then I got to know you, and you're cool. And meeting you, and Hank, and Henry and Sammy Baby Jr, I'm going to REALLY miss the Delcores! I can tell you this because I'm not drunk."
This week's Quotes are brought to you by Lisa L., or Termie as she is known in my little black heart. Tell her what you think!
"I need a lot of information. I need to know how to sue somebody. Can you tell me how to do that? And he's an atheist. Is that going to matter?"
"'I work with HIV/AIDS patients, I'm covered in tattoos, I consider myself alternative in that I really hate conformity and at times will even have a mohawk.' Yup, no conformity there. None whatsoever. Not a butch cliche in her carload."
Mormon Housewife Facebook status: "Totals on the friendship bread: 15 loaves, 3 bundts. And I still have one more batch to go (maybe tomorrow) that will give me another bundt plus 5 loaves (unless someone wants a start, then I'm done)."
"You look really tired. Besides looking tired you look like you took a Xanax. It's okay if you did, I take Ativan. It helps me relax."
"I need lyrics to this certain song. I listen to a lot of stuff in the middle of the night so I don't always catch the artist and I tried to call them but they didn't know so can you help me? It goes like this: 'la la la la la I turn the radio on.'"
"If you remove the tense, wordless moments you are left with ten minutes of tense dialog. #breakingbad"
"I'm not as unconscious as I was nine days ago, but I still am a little bit."
A: "Just heard that Anthropology is the second worst major for earning money after graduation."
B: "Was poli sci the worse? Cuz it sure feels like it should be...:)"
A: "I don't think I pulled my wet pink panties out of the trunk of [my roommate's] car."
B: "That's not very nice. You and your roommate are close like that?"
A: "I did all that worrying for nothing!"
B: "Feel better?"
A: "A lot, actually. I would've lost a butch stamp for getting caught with pink panties.
B: "And for calling them panties."
"[My daughter] has been inducted into the 'chocolate group' at after-school care. A 9-year-old Korean girl is the ringleader. She got a pink personal invite today, complete with a password. I told her I am not supplying her with chocolate on a daily basis for this club."
"I wouldn't let her run a celery farm."
"Nothing will stop my family from burying my great-grandfather's rotting corpse in the Haunted Mansion graveyard at Disney."
"Music Trivia: Korn was originally called Cettle Korn, but changed their name after realizing 'kettle' was spelled incorrectly."
"Money-saving Tip: Don't pay taxes. Then when the IRS comes for you, say 'Taxes? I thought you said TEXAS.' Then go to jail and eat for free."
"Just because it's raining doesn't mean the library opens earlier, fuckface. We should put that on a sign."
"I'm at a vegan buffet. That's what I call drinking fountains."
"Your cat reminds me of Elk City, Oklahoma. I hate him and I can't sleep."
"Goddamnit, I swear. The next person who posts a fucking picture of chicken chow mein or a fucking gourmet motherfucking fuckcake on Instagram--lo-fi, Earlybird, motherfuck!--is going to get a photo of my next bowel movement smeared on their Facebook wall. Fuck!"
"Before leaving your house wearing clothes that are the same color as your skin, please take a moment to remember that some people have eyes."
A: "He's got a funny body."
B: "Yep, he's shaped like a rotten pear."
A: "You look like you've done pretty well for yourself."
B: "Yes. That sofa is made from Seabiscuit."