Friday, June 27, 2008


“He’s a bottom feeder and he thinks you are al-gina.”

“On no freaking planet do California Raisins were spinner hats.”

Exchanges:

A: “If you guys do something later, can I come too?”
B: “We’re not going to do anything later.”
A: “But if you do something, can I come along?”
B: “But we’re not going to do anything.”
A: “But if you do, can I?”
B: “Okay.”
A: “Cool.”

Hot guy at Walgreens: “Can I help you find anything?”
B: “Um, I’m actually looking for Depends.”
Hot Guy: “Right over here.”
B: “Thanks. It’s weird when you have to buy your parents Depends.”
Hot Guy [with a smile]: “It Depends on what you mean by weird.”

A: “No more librarian talk!”
B: “You just wrote down a book title in the middle of a bar. It doesn’t get any more librarian than that.”

A: “Ooh, I want an Irish Wolfhound!”
B: “I wouldn’t want a dog that looks like a homeless person.”

A: “I’m done with women. Think I’ll just concentrate on painting.”
B: “What are you going to do? Whack off into a paint can for the rest of your life?”
A: “Well, at least the paint can won’t say ‘I love you’ after the first date.”

Friday, June 20, 2008


“You should DEFINITELY not have a cat. You'd tell it ‘I'll feed you in a few minutes’ and then days would go by and it would be stiff.”

“Have Fun! Your Coffee cups misses you. I've got it to stop trying at night. Finally.”

“Rob said he'd divorce me again if I ever got back involved with that guy. No worries!”

“I check behind the shower curtain of people's houses because I'm the kind of person who would hide there to scare someone.”

“She actually said this to me once:
‘What's that show I like with the guy who wore that shirt?’
And I sadly knew exactly what she meant.”

“I felt slightly lonely so I went online to see what felt going on.”

“I have no idea why I tend to do that - and I do it a lot! My brain must move too fast for my poor 'lil fingers. Or I can't be fucked to proofread.”

Exchanges:

[Conversation between my friend and her adorable mom]
Mom: “You know that movie, Cradle to the Grave? Well, not that one, but the other with the girl who died.”
Faythe: “Romeo Must Die.”
Mom: “Yeah that one. Anyway, I saw the guy who was her dad.”
Faythe: “Delroy Lindo.”
Mom: “He had a mustache, big guy.”
Faythe: “DELROY LINDO!”
Mom: “I don't know his name. He was going incognito.”

A: “Today I found out about Clone a Willy.”
B: “WTF is that?”
A: “You can make your own dildo from a mold of your honey’s peen.”
B: “Ooh! The cock without the cocksucker! I like!”

Friday, June 13, 2008


“You need a nettle salad.”

“Everything I say now goes through the ‘don't risk making Gina's weekly quotes’ filter.”

“Would you say that's tooting your own horny? horn.”

“I'm being maternal. Don't ruin it! It doesn't happen often. They’re so cute. Can I take them home and make them tofu? I could make them vegetarian and read to them.”

“The perverted professional creepy old man who drove our boat in Greece tells us his special tzaziki sauce goes by the name of ‘jiggy jiggy’ and says ‘good for sex life!’ I have to admit though, his jiggy jiggy was the best tzaziki I ever had regardless of its origins. His boat is probably a good source of crabs and clap.”

“Last Saturday, I went to see some friends and hopefully find a few goodies at a yard sale. Well, most of the good stuff was gone. However, my friend who had the yard sale gave me a few video games, a copy of Apocalypse Now and a freaking Darth Vader helmet!! You have no idea how bad I wanted wear that thing out and drive down the street with it.”

Exchanges:

A: “If you are nice, I might let you buy me a drink.”
B: “I'd rather shit into a bowl, sprinkle it with sugar, pour milk over it and eat it with a spoon.”
A: “Ahhh,, feisty :) how cute :) ..”

A: “You should see my tan. I'm dark, with a stripe of white around my hips.”
B: “Were you wearing a speedo? (please say no) Or maybe you were wearing a fanny pack...and nothing else?”

[Profile question] “What are you good at?”
Answer: “I would have to say computers. Something I pick up good on. I also like to cook and I'm pretty good in it. Listening to others. I like listen more then talking and makes it seem I'm a little shy. Witch is not the case.”

Friday, June 6, 2008


“Most of us guys are depressed. In fact, yesterday my best friend that got married last week called me and asked me my opinion about him taking his aunt’s Xanax. I told him to crush it up with a hammer, then cut it up with a razor and snort it. I hope that helps him.”

“You need to stop being so pink and blond.”

“I really don't want to go. I'd rather go to a Star Trek convention, suck on razor blades and then do tequila shots.”

“WTF is the Contiki Cough? Is that like the clap? I'm scared!”

“Without Rhoda who is going to eat your staples? Jump on the screen? Try to drag my heavy purse across the floor?”

Exchanges:

Text: “The vet just called. Said Rhoda is the sweetest kitty ever. Now I know the world is coming to an end.”
Response: “Or the vet is satan.”

Crazy man speaking to no one in particular: “JESUS wants you to love him. JESUS is the answer! . . . I got a message from Jesus. He wants me to get a Scion or a pickup.”
A: “Is that like a Scion from God?”
B: “I wonder who would make the payments.”
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