Friday, July 31, 2008


“I found out a definite way to kill a hard on. First, I think of a vagina. If that’s not enough, I remember that vaginas have teeth. And if that’s not enough, I picture them with braces. Does it every time.”

“We were chatting when one of our Internets broke…I think it was hers.”

“Anyway, thanks. Next time I won’t bother you until I’m definitely positively sure it’s broken. And that I’m not the broken one.”

“There are many things to love about you, Gina Baker, and one of them is that you laugh so easily. Some people don’t laugh at all, and I’m like, ‘Dude, I’m funny. Ask Gina.’”

“Mom seriously watches a LOT of crime TV, like all the fucking time. She sits there and watches these murder shows, and alligators on the loose, and abductions, and cops shows—it’s so funny. She actually said this to me the other day, ‘Did you know you could dust a banana for fingerprints?’ Cracks my ass up.”

“Your penis will fall off and you will grow a vagina by the time you are done with the Twilight series. No amount of Batman will help you.”

Exchanges:

A: “Why are we always the ones looking for a needle in a haystack?”
B: “Brings me back to the Easter egg hunts from my youth.”
A: “But you’re Jewish…your parents hid eggs?”
B: “That’s what I’m saying…all those hours futilely searching…”

Me: “My keyboard is filthy, but it wasn't me. I think it was born that way.”
Maintenance guy: “I'll go clean it for you.”
[later...] “Yeah it was gross. There were lots of little hairs in there but you were right--none of them were blond.”

Guy: “I’m a total lesbro, man. I’m living the L Word. I think they like me because I’m so nonjudgmental. And I have a penis. I’m in the club!”
Me: “Are you going to be a lesbian?”
Guy: “Well, I kinda am I guess.”

Friday, July 25, 2008


“For me, I feel like I lose interest too quickly. Like, ‘Ooh! You’re the man of my dreams! Ooh, there’s a butterfly!’”

“You’re my new favorite form of entertainment fyi.”

“My name is Barbara. B as in Barbara, A, R, B, A, R, A.”

“I’m not a baby, I’m a tumor.”

“Throw one of your ovaries at him and RUN.”

“I completely won the ‘find out who can scare the other person away fastest’ ;)”

“P.S. He gets pity points for correctly spelling ‘you’re.’”

“I’m tired of dating Tower Trash!”

“It was hard to breathe under his weight. There was a deep burn between her legs. Would he kill her now the way thousands of women over thousands of years had been killed? And in a shuddering breath, as if from her own memory, she felt joined to them on all the dusty floorboards and alleyways of ancient cities, the damp blankets of ships at sea…in hay-strewn barns, dark basements, and dank tool sheds; in the mud of river bottoms, cornfields, and woods, and in beds in sunlit rooms like this one on a Thursday when she was alone and thinking about love—she was part of them all now, yet one more in this sisterhood none of them had sought.”

Exchanges:

A: “You know about the gay sex thing, right?”
B: “Sure.”
A: “See, I’m a top…”
B: “Oh, I thought you’d be a bottom.”
A: “Fuck that! Literally, fuck that!”
B: “Sorry!”
A: “I don’t get off by having monkeys fly up my ass!”

A: “I’m so hongry right now I could take a bite out of Stubby’s luscious thigh.”
B: “You do not eat anything with a face!”
A: “If I close my eyes, he doesn’t have a face.”

A: “Helen broke a rib today. How did she do it? By bending over. Yup. Imagine me trying to keep a straight face for that story.”
B: “Jesus Christ, what is the world coming to?? Remind me to slice open an artery if I ever break a goddamn rib trying to tie my shoes.”

Friday, July 18, 2008


“I won’t even take a dump in an Olive Garden.”

“Here’s a nice mental image for you: As I'm walking out of work the other day, Helen Rogers laying on the counter, her bosom straddling a fan moaning, ‘Oh it feels good, it feels so good!’ Try and think about that next time you want to have a snack.”

“My whole church is praying for you. Even Mr. Daniels—the cripple.”

“i'm gone a few hours and i return to a tweetland of cartoon axe murderers, shitting babies, and obama dodgers.”

Friend’s defensive Grandma: “Let me tell you something, I NEVER SENT YOU TO THE PARK WITH A PILLOW AND A PICKLE! Anytime any one of your thin little asses went somewhere, I WATCHED YOU! That’s just like the time when I was pregnant and on bed rest, and I sent your sister with my dad to get something to eat. She picked out a damn sandwich, and came right back to me and ate it in bed with me. Somehow, from that, she misconstrued that she was cooking her own meals at three years old. Oh, and I guess that means she was washing dishes at one year old. She says she had to push a stool up to the sink to be able to reach it. Well, guess what, she’s short, she would have had to do that at 18.”

“Paranormal masturbation is hot.”

“Maybe you didn’t realize you were dressed as a flying monkey from the Wizard of Oz…”

“Don't be blue. And for heaven's sake, don't iron anything. I haven't owned an iron in years. (Maybe they will come out with an iIron? That way you could network as you creased.)”

“Poor Terry. Who is going to break it to him that he is gay? At least he used real words!”

“I know a lot of you out there are still having unprotected sex, SO STOP IT! Have you seen a baby? They’re fucking stupid!”

Exchanges:

A: “How are you?”
B: “Well, aside from suddenly fixated on your belly button, I’m doing okay.”

Question to group of adults: “What is ‘emo’?”
Answers:
“Email? I have that.”
“Imo? Ummm…Innovative…Mandarin…Orientals?”
“As far as I know, it’s a fish.”

Question to group of adults: “What is ‘myspace’?”
Answers:
“Your space? Is this a trick question?”
“Myspace is a game they play on the Internet. Yes.”
“What do you mean? Like elbow room?”

A: “There’s a repairman standing on my desk.”
B: “Is that a euphemism?”…..“Crap. Just spilled coffee on my zombie.”
B: “Was that a euphemism?”

Friday, July 11, 2008


“Damm! Damm! Damm!!! (from the tv show Good Times) Where do I take her? Shit Gina!! Why the fuck did you have to leave for CA? Dammit to hell. God Save the queen!! The day of the Gechie is coming!! You should be here to dress me. Shave my head and my back side.......... What ? I didn't mean shave my ass. It's not hairy. It's flat, but not hairy. Looks like somebody beat me in the ass with a book bag and kept running.”

“You should have said, I can't make coffee now! Your lip butterfly might burst from its cocoon. I'd hate to miss it.”

“If I became emotionally unavailable, or even consciously unavailable (but still breathing), I'm still physically available!”

“This is the website I found it on. Pretty sure the chick killed herself. Looks like she tried once and it didn't work.”

“Personally, I'm hoping toddsmith@yahoo.com receives a shiatload of mail from the library.”

“You're smart and handy with the interwebs!”

Exchange:

A: “Admit it, your head is just too damn big, dude.”
B: “You shut up!”

Friday, July 4, 2008


“Of course, the wonderful thing about the Bible is that there’s a quote to justify anything, even lechery, incest, and the slaying of infants.”

“Hurry up and decide whether you are coming to the bbq. I’ll need time to rush out and buy you some tofu.”

“You are probably wondering if I had a lemon last night. I did. It was in my iced tea. I pulled it out, sprinkled a bit o’ salt on it, and sucked it from its rind. I like the taste of salt and sour on my tongue and lips . . . please delete this overly erotic and fruity email upon receipt.”

“I once had a dream that I birthed a baby elephant with the face of an elf from Dark Crystal. Oddly, it wasn't a nightmare.”

“There can be no part of me that still wants him, I tell myself. But I’d never received such undivided attention from him. It was painfully compelling, like scratching at a nettle rash, and it was contagious.”

[to a groggy me]: “Goodbye, Gina! Hope you have a good day! I stole some of your hairspray!” [door shuts]

“What a little tool! I can only imagine him sitting on his couch with his glass of milk and a milk mustache thinking, ‘Oh yeah. She wants me.’”

Exchanges:

A: “OMG OMG OMG you CRACK ME UP oh my god. I just peed a little I think. That is SO going on quotes.”
B: “I just started crying from giggling and making a mental note to buy you Depends.”
A: “Ooh! I have some! The ones I bought my mom didn't fit--she left them. (which i should prolly pitch before anyone comes over, no?)”
B: “Or mark 'em ‘MOM’”
A: “HAHA. They were expensive. Maybe I could drop them at a nursing home or something.”
B: “Or drop 'em off at various libraries so the old librarians won't have to get up.”

A: “The thing I don’t like about sushi is the texture of seaweed—how it just slides down your throat.”
B: “Yeah, you can’t chew it. It has to be swallowed.”
A: “So what can I do about that?”
B: “Work on your swallowing skillz?”

A: “I’m staying at the Ménage. Doesn’t that sound a little pervy?”
B: “Only if you have two roommates.”

A: “I got a sunburn on my left arm from the drive back from L.A.”
B: “That’s dumb.”
A: “How in the hell is that dumb?”
B: “You should’ve moved your arm around!”
A: “Oh, just let it flap around? That would’ve been smart? ‘Look at me! I’m trying to avoid sunburn!’ Flap, flap.”
B: “I’m just sayin’…”
A: “God, this is the most inane conversation I’ve ever had. You’re stupid. And I DON’T mean that in a good way.”
Subscribe to: Posts (Atom)
 
Quotes of the Week Recording Your Words since 2007 @dollgina