Friday, November 28, 2008


“Let's do lunch means I'd rather eat a fetus than hang out with you longer than one hour.”

“Your father’s laptop was shitassed after he spilled some grapefruit juice all over it. He took it to be fixed, but it didn’t work.”

“She’s not thankful for anything at all. That's cause she's a grumpy, ungrateful bitch who hates everyone and everything. Just kidding:-) or am I?”

“I keep getting pulled over on this stupid road so I’m driving sarcastically.”

[Comment on a certain sign common in California]: “They drew their inspiration from the bathroom! The perfect family straight from the bathroom door.”

Exchanges:

Me: “Look at the top left icon….what does it say?”
Mom: “I can’t see those little letters….bark? Perm? PORN? Why did you do that to me?!”

A: “Don’t go in the bathroom for a million years unless you’d like a surprise!”
B: “Oh! Did you have too much fiber?”
A: “What? ‘Was it a two-wiper?’ YES!”
B: “No! I said fiber!”
A: “Well, same thing. YES!”

A: “Do I have weird doll hair?”
B: “Yep. It’s fucked up.”

Me: “But is it true? Mom??”
Sister [to me]: “Why would I say that Dad fucked Mom with the handle of a pizza cutter if it were a lie?? I can’t make this shit up.”
Mom: “STOP IT! YOU ARE A LIAR!”

Photo of the Week:


A picture's worth a thousand chocolates.

Friday, November 21, 2008


“California also sounds fun with anime hair and backwards sweaters.”

“Also, I look younger because I am Asian. Chink don’t sink!”

“What kind of parents let their teens and tweens go see vampires have sparkly Mormon sex at midnight?? For shame!”

Status: “Gina is inviting E. Coli to Thanksgiving cos he doesn't have many friends and I feel bad for him. Also will invite Faythe. (same reason).”

Exchanges:

A: “If stepmommy's sister is married to someone cool, does that make him my step uncle?”
B: “Nah--just a cool person. Step-uncle sounds creepy. Think VC Andrews…”
A: “I haven’t read VC Andrews since high school.”
B: “There's always an uncle who fiddles with the whiny heroine.”
A: “Ew, ew.”
B: “Not saying your uncle will fiddle, I'm sure he's nice. Better not to mention this convo. Or your sick friends.”

A: “Wouldn't it be weird to find out that all of our direct messages have been going to some weird guy in a room and he's the one really answering?”
B: “Some sad lonely hacker that lives in Alaska with his pet pig Harold. He probably also cosplays as Sailor Moon Characters.”
A: “YES! And he has an upside down face and cooks flapjacks on a hot plate while listening to Don McLean music.”

Status: “[I think] some women have accessory babies just so they can be MILFs.”
Comment: “Hey now, it was not the plan to get knocked up and become a MILF, but thank you :)”

A: “I wug you.”
B: “What?”
A: “I wug you.”
B: “What is wug?”
A: “It’s the word I just tried to spell on Wurdle. It’s not a word.”

Cutest Threat of the Week:

“So if someone has viewed the bunko invitation, what would be a good reason not respond with a yes? Are folks backing out but afraid to say? If you are backing out it's not okay. You should be very afraid!”

Friday, November 14, 2008


“So glad you found a man to cook for you. No more worries about how you survive on burnt water.”

“My iPhone doesn't like your blob, but don't listen to him, he's a dick.”

“What a great day. The upswing to having your civil rights taken away is the thousands of people who come together to protest it.”

“Never thought you would be thanking baby unicorns for the clap.”

“Some people complain about crumbs in bed but it’s really the bottle caps that present the bigger problem.”

“After reading Weekly Twitterings it's official: I want 2 join your group of friends. 1 Q tho: do I have 2 be a dirty whore to do so?”

“Storytime! Once upon a time, there was a girl named @grrb. She liked twatwaffles. The End.”

Six-year old: “If you guys ever go to jail, does that mean that I’ll have to cook dinner?”

“I would complain about bureaucracy more if I could ever spell it right.”

“I think the instructor saw my doodle of the Pegasus I changed into a unicorn. I also wrote the words ‘I like unicorns better’ and drew a rainbow.”

“Jen says I get an attitude when I play games on my Touch. Wurdle can really change a person.”

“You know those stupid quarterly gifts forms we are required submit to the library? If I know in advance that I'm leaving the library around the time one of those is due, I'm going to have fun with the list of gifts I've received. :)

37 dozen brown eggs
antique handkerchief
fossilized trilobite skeleton
3 spare tires of various sizes
1 sheet of 1/4 inch plywood
partially eaten frosted strawberry pop tart
a photocopy of a handmade sign for a lost cat
1 red shoelace”

“Gathering docs for DMV: birth cert., marriage cert., drop of blood on slide, last pap results, photo of last year's Halloween costume...”

Exchanges:

webmaster_ref: “I’m teaching a class on Twitter. Say hi.”
grrb: “Hi! You should listen to him. He’s smart.”
webmaster_ref: “Oh, I’m blushing. The class says I need to send you chocolate. Ghiradelli?”
grrb: “Godiva please and thank you. Good class!”

A: “What is lurve?”
B: “Lurve is a very speshul expression of admiration for another. Lurve makes the world go round! At least on the Interwebs.”
A: “Cool. I never knew that. I guess that’s why I’m here. Thanks!”

A: “Can I get my library card number?”
B: “What happened to your library card?”
A: “I live in the house of hell, man!”

Pet Quote of the Week:

“If you won’t feed me, I’ll eat my face, and then how will you kiss me, bitch?”

Friday, November 7, 2008


“The man + woman sign was painted on plywood and help by man screaming at top of his limbs.”

“Dear President Obama....Why hello President Obama!...Mr. President Obama....
Sorry. Just practicin.
Will you move to Mars if he is elected? *fingers crossed*”

“I work until nine too. where did I list your brothers name? I struggle with your username. always want to misprll it.”

Six-year-old: “Today is electric today and I am going to vote.”

“Flipping between MSNBC and PBS is like toggling between a noisy bar and a library. And between 2008 and 1988, production-value-wise.”

“Srry to hear about the cigs. A friend told me once cigs are harder to quit than heroin. He knew cuz he quit heroin but not smoking.”

“While we were waiting for steak at Tahoe Joes, I whipped out my iPhone and showed W___ pics of your naked sister.”

“The CBS touchscreen computer isn't nearly as cool as CNN's. Sort of like watching your grandpa fiddle with an offbrand iPhone.”

“next time you are so down you want to smoke come over and I'll give you a carmel apple. your mouth will be so sticky it won't open.”

“Rush made Tom Sawyer cool. Unlike that tool Mark Twain.”

“He can go fuck a house.”

“Closed mouth cause I'm a meat eater. Mmmm tastes like chicken.”

“It's going to take me like an hour to catch up on this mornings tweets alone....”
(one minute later...) “Ok...rimming midgets legwarmers haiku hashtags popsicles skirts and the city lot...alright, up to speed!”

“Is it weird or cool that I've never met your sister but *have* met her vagina?”

Exchanges:

A: “Just realized that McCain looks like the mayor of munchkin land. Which makes Falin the wicked witch.”
B: “Great observation. So true. But why does the mayor of munchkin land think I'm his friend?”
A: “The munchkins scared me as a kid. Good to know things haven't changed.”

A: “Gina, it's time to part ways. Enjoy Obama's victory and seek the Lord while He may be found. There's a hard, hard rain coming. Count on it.”
B [in a fwd]: “Will you look at this shit?”
C: “The hard, hard rain is me ejaculating all over his head.”

Haiku of the week:

h8

I don't wanna hear
tomorrow's a brand new day,
shoulda been today.

by me
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