"Affirmative action was designed to keep women and minorities in competition with each other to distract us while white dudes inject AIDS into our chicken nuggets."
Six-year-old: "Did you know Santa is coming in 2 days? Is he going to bring me cash?"
"i'm sick. behind my nose feels like it is trying to have a pregnant in my face hole."
"My mom doesn't have a water dish for the cat: 'We have three toilets...Jim always leaves the seat down...true he doesn't flush.'"
"Some folks have ugly kids. Even in a Xmas sweater on Santa's lap, kid's still ugly. Hopefully the baby has a good personality."
A: "Think of this like learning to swim. Throw yourself into the deep end!"
B: "What if I can't swim?"
A: "Then I'll do what my father did when I was 2: lure you to the edge of the pool with a puppy and throw your ass in."
A: "Good morning my little lambchops. What would you like for Christmas?"
B: "The 12 days of Gina."
(Merry Christmas, everyone! Y'all make me laugh so.)