"I should've asked what tequila they used. Oh, well. I guess expanding my repertoire of liquors shouldn't really be a top priority."
"I can't believe you are still eating Gina's poop cupcake."
"More than once, she handed him a paper towel as clumps of tuna or egg salad landed on his shirt. 'That happens to me,' he heard her say. 'Whenever I eat a sandwich, I end up a mess.' It couldn't have been true. The girl was neat as a pin. And apparently, a fucking liar."
"If IE is the Myspace of browsers, and AOL is the Jordache of email, then Michael Bay is the anus of a jellyfish."
"I feel like a character from Candyland! Maybe that cute ice princess, but more likely, that peanut brittle chick along the edge."
"Tiger Woods uses the word 'transgressions' and Americans scramble to a dictionary."
A: "I don't understand why you text. Why don't you just call?"
B: "Clearly you've never tried getting off the phone with yourself."
A: "So you hit him with the club?"
A: "How many times?"
B: "Um...I can't remember how many times. Put me down for 5."
A: "Where ya going?"
B: "To get some air."
A: "We have air in the house!"
B: "Well, I like beer with my air."
A: "Is there some special stick to slap stupid people or will any one do?"
B: "Let me know when you find a good answer. Also, look up impaling, as this also interests me. Thanks."
A: "I want the Zhu Zhu!"
B: "But you're a grown-up."
B: "Do you only want it cos it's hard to get?"
A: "Wtf is a Zhu-Zhu?"
B: "It's like a tickle-me-hamster that gets stuck in the hair of babies. Soon all we'll see is a bunch of short people toddling around with rats stuck to their heads."