Quotes of the Week

“I have this victim c exfoliant from philosophy, that I love. You should try it!”

Bearded man: “I JUST GOT MA'AMED AGAIN! HOW DOES THIS HAPPEN? I live in a universe where I am apparently genderfucked without even trying.”

“I love opening an orange to find a conjoined baby orange nestled inside.”

“Dreamt of the future: Everyone lived in high density pods and camping was still fun. No unicorns though. I bet they go extinct. Sad.”

“You could make a good dog break his leash.”

“Watching a movie where a cat akshully jumped from closet. But it redeemed itself with creepy smooshed face doll.”

“Hmm, she must have broken down and let him piss on her or sommat. So she is a keeper.”

“No death threats allowed. Unless you're just kidding around.”

“What the hell is a G medal anyway? Are they all vying for a spot in the Cult of Gina?”

Exchanges:

A: “I feel like today is a test.”
B: “Me too. And I am naked in front of the class taking it. With bad acne. While singing karaoke.”

A: “I want to eat whatever you're eating.”
B: “You haz to have a chef for a lover and don't eat unless it's date night (not cos you're vain, but cos you're lazy).”
C: “You should eat on the other nights!! srs, your date man likes you strong.”

A: “Does he have a crush on you?”
B: “Um, hi. That's gross! I'd rather swallow a wrench, shit it out and then work on a car with it.”

Best Book EVER:

“I think there is a question about whether she cheated and now she's prego and he's stuck waiting for a 1-800-Who's-the-daddy DNA test that won't take place til the parasite shreds her vagina and makes an appearance.”

“I wonder what she would look like with applesauce dripping from her bumbum.....”

“The library is like an ocean. Sometimes the work is at high tide and sometimes at low. Sometimes the customers pee inappropriately.”

“You don't need TV. If you're good I'll preform it for you with puppets. I know where they are.”

“I've never heard of gAyLA but sounds fab. p.s. look for me at the profile pic photoshoot on fri nite; i'll take your homograph.”

“Can we send one of those foreclosure crews to put Bush's furniture out on the lawn?”

“Down with the ‘bitter swill of discrimination!’ In the future, all swill will be tasty.”

“In an effort to be economical, Trmite purchased the bathtub-sized margarita. Like Costco but with a rubber duckie floating in it.”

Exchange:

A: “There's a saying about real men won't eat quiche? Jeebus. Where do you find out about all of these little secrets? What else do ‘real men’ do or not do? I prolly don't want one eating my--ahem--quiche anyway.”
B: “I don't know what this does to the argument about men who are real or imaginary, but I LOVE quiche.”
C: “I didn't make the rules, I'm just the messenger. I'm sure your quiche is lovely and deserving of being eaten, whether the men are real or not.”

Dream of the Week:

“Dreamed I won a vacation into Simpson's world. My Bart & Lisa skied away & [I] was told I could get ‘new not-white kids’ if I didn't like them.”

Six-year-old: “That sign says East 5th, so that means you have to be a 5th grader before you can buy those clothes.”

“You should work with me. Someone got a Tampon in inter-office mail.”

“He saved his kidney stones and they were in the love and relationships corner in our bedroom.”

“Had a dream my family was a sit-com and Jimmy Smits was guest starring.”

“Differences. Some patrons ask if it's okay to bring a bottle of water into the library. Some patrons have pizzas delivered.”

“Dinner was good! The kids both had meltdowns. Then I blackmailed the older one in to eating a carrot.”

“Okay! Will grab me some eats and see you after one-ish! Hosiery.”

Exchanges:

A: “Anyone interested in invite-only Twilight smut blog DM me your email and I'll *try* to get you an invite.”
B: “Sorry, I'll stick to my invite-only Harry Potter smut blog.”

A: “You said they used Gina in the spot. Gina who?”
B: “Gina. You know. Gina Barker. The YA librarian.”

A: “Do you want some?”
B: “No, I'm watching what I eat.”
A: “Oh, is that a New Year’s resolution?”
B: “No, I've been doing it since I was 7.”

Status: “Gina is underwhelmed.”
Response: “I spent all day making that casserole, woman.”

Status: “Gina dons the big earrings for a big day.”
B: “What's the big day?”
Me: “I'm getting married.”
B: “Congratulations.”
[next day]
Me: “Thanks! Where were you? You were my best man!!! I married Bob Barker.”
B: “I guess I missed it. I drunk myself under a table in Tijuana last night, woke up face down in an alley this morning wondering how I was gonna get back to Cali.”
Me: “Faythe said she saw you in the alley but was in a rush to get back to the farm to sow the magic soybeans some albino gave her. I told her she should've helped but you should see the soybeans! They look awesome!”

Best Facebook Wall EVER:

“thanks for helping your dear ole mom figure out this modern day contraption...”

“dad took some pictures willsend you one to put on the blue blob..”

“can you do Instant Messaging thru Facebook?”

“your friend suggested Twitter. not sure what that is..educate me bitte.”

“also how do you find out if someone is on facebook?”

“how do i invite someone to be my friend? thakns”

“dad is sending you a picture. can you please put it where the blue blob is?? thank you..”

“sorry...”

“i'm sorry because i poked you...”

“What is with you white people and whips??”

“This song makes me feel like I don't have any bones.”

“I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you'd be like ‘Huh? What the hell is this?’ but if it’s in a fruit basket you’re like ‘This is nice!’”

“You're like a blind man in a dark room petting a black cat that isn't there. You are! You just don't know it.”

“We need to start dressing our cats. we are really missing out.”

“You turd.”

Exchanges:

A: “I'm glad you called. I've been wanting to talk to you for a long time.”
B: “We just met a week ago!”
A: “Oh my god! Has it been that long?!”

A: “He can go fuck a fish. Squish squish.”
B: “At least if he fucked a fish, he wouldn't be boring.”

Status: “Trying to keep up on too many social networks. WHERE IS THE BREAKING POINT?”
Response: “In my pants. Login, whassapassword, you ruined my life! delete delete delete.”

A: “Being a Jew is better than being a pussy-geist.”
B: “A WHAT???”
A: “A pussy-geist. Or whatever those weirdos in Utah are.”
B: “Polygamists?”
A: “Yes, that's it.”
B: “MOTHER!”

Photo Caption of the Week:

“I find it fascinating that someone can know how to spell ‘giraffe’ without having any idea what one looks like, don't you?”

“Uh, are you sure that's Santa? Don't let the white beard fool you, kids.”

“Love on the kitties but don't steal Julio's tail because I'm liable to notice.”

“Preach it, brother. Just last week I told a colleague I was going to vomit if another person acted surprised that these books are all out on loan with 500 reservations on them. I must have been lying though, because I haven't vomited yet.”

“Info smog is whatcha got there. Get your head outta the clouds and watch some Simpsons or somethin.”

“I love that my conversations include ponies, glitter, unicorns, on an almost daily basis.”

“My 9 year old poured some juice into a coffee mug and said ‘Oh yeah, that's much better,’ don't know who does that.”

“are you dunk yet? I haz had a liyttlt beveage”

“Oh! Where did you find the baby? He needs a blanket. And a deformity.”

Exchanges:

Status: “Gina desperately wants to saddle up that little Italian unicorn deer and gallop to where fairies have tea parties.”
B: “Only NPH is allowed to ride unicorns.”
A: “Who the hell is NPH? Thas my unicorn deer baby!!”
B: “Ahem, Neil Patrick Harris? God among men? Doogie MF'in Howser, M.D.?”
A: “Omg, I'm so lost...what does Doogie have to do with unicorns?? (Remember, I don't watch tv and pay attention to the news only if it involves conjoined twins, misfit animals, or albino dwarves.)”

A: “Crap! I just went to the store and forgot tampons.”
B: “I’ll get them for you when I go get beer for tonight.”
A: “Oh! So sweet. Okay, get me Tampax, cardboard app, regular.”
B: “Regular….as opposed to….”
A: “Super. Or light. ”
B: “K. And what kind of beer? Budweiser or Bud Light?”
A: “Budweiser.”
B: “Right. Light beer is for pussies.”
A: “Light tampons are for pussies, too.”

Best ’08 Recap in 17 Words:
The 3 cat bed happened at least 3 times, getting married was best day ever, sore thumbs.

Best ’08 Recap in 17 Syllables:
Will you marry me?
I will have my degree soon
I'll still laugh too loud.