Quotes of the Week

“You just gotta let em shit in the tube and then ya roll it. But make sure you let em outta the tube before ya roll it.”

“At work today, a 6-year-old kid for no reason starts doing push-ups by the circulation desk. Weird.”

“Whenever I ride a bike, my vagina falls asleep. It's very unpleasant.”

“I'm spoiled for all time by the passionate embrace of...Resume Guru.”

“My sister and I agree: We’ve had it up to here with mopey, whiny baby bitches. Get someone else to change your brain diaper.”

“Woli is at Costco, does anyone want to do a timeshare or whatever in a bulk item?”

“In this wind, walking the Chihuahuas is like flying a kite, if a kite could be frightened and could yelp in fear.”

“I just accidentally poured Hawaiian Punch into an open jar of peaches. The question remains: what should I pour in the glass?”

Adult: “Kindergartners are retarded. Have you ever talked to one?”

Exchanges:

A: “Obviously you have never seen the Milwaukee Brewers play the great American pastime.”
B: “Sex?”

A: “Who’s Trumpy?”
B: “He's a weird little creature from a B movie mocked on Mystery Sci Theater one time. The little girl loved him but people wanted to kill him. So she pretended to hate him in the end because she really loved him. ‘Go away Trumpy! I hate you Trumpy!’”

A: “Dude! My girlfriend dated a girl, it’s a very big deal. There’s only one thing I can do to make it okay.”
B: “You gonna hook up with a guy?”

A: “I have to go to the bathroom.”
B: “You know who else goes to the bathroom? Whores.”

A’s status: “Your hair was long when we first met.”
B: “Yeah it was and then I had chemo. Thanks for bringing it up. Bitch.”
A: “YOU ARE SO WRONG!!!!!!! I'm gonna rip yer hair out.”

Tweet of the Week:

@grrb http://is.gd/oRWY Is this what it is like at your house? Because, in my head it is.

“More concerning than the hair are your missing nipples.”

“I just got a follower request and I think it's b/c I was talking about Gina in leather.”

Six-year-old: “When I grow up I want to be a Lego Jedi, except I will have a different mouth.”

“Man, in Soho you can buy a banjo or some porn or a book or a delicious muffin at a wifi-offering coffee shop. (I really wanted a banjo.)”

“I can tell he likes me!!! Just doesn't like my driving.”

“If you kill a midget, does that count as a half murder?”

“I’m going shopping for a new pony for my daughter. Hers has alopecia. It’s just not right for a girl to love a hairless pony.”

“It's nothing special. If the good lord intends for you to have it, it will arrive in one pee-se.”

“I'll tell you what I told my wife: get a mullet and you’re dead to me.”

Exchanges:

A: “It didn't make sense but neither did many of her personal license plates, outfits, hairdos, or really anything she's ever said or done. Or ingested. Remember when she tried to eat a Polly Pocket cos she thought it was a pill?”
B: “I like how she votes for Abraham Lincoln every presidential election. When I asked her why the hell she was wasting her vote like that, she sighed and said, ‘I don't know why they ever allowed women the right to vote.’”

A: “We need to do some serious Jew-cruitment.”
B: “I have blond hair and blue eyes.”
A: “Good point, my Aryan brother.”

A: “How was your St. Patrick’s Day?”
B: “Eh, I didn’t get drunk, but I did wear green. I never wear green on St. Patrick’s Day and this year I thought I’d be different.”

Inspirational Poster of the Week:

“I don't want anyone thinking I'm one of THOSE types of white people.”

“Dude. Your sister mailed you dog piss. That's cold.”

“I’m afraid there won't be a next time. I'm broker than a sore-encrusted whore in the middle of Salt Lake City.”

“Apparently, removing a hard drive from a laptop is really difficult--like squeezing a watermelon thru a hole the size of a lemon. On second thought, anyone’s mom could do it.”

“Yup. It’s a small house. We are going to adopt a midget since we don’t have room for a regular sized person.”

“My dog actually purrs. So...that's part dog, part baby deer, and now part cat. If I were a scientist, I would be having a busy morning.”

“Sweet tiny dragon’s breath! I'm damn funny but I don't cry a river if I don't make your quotes.”

“Favorite quote of my workday: ‘there are no dead babies in math.’ Its true. There aren't. There are plenty of dead babies in social work tho.”

Exchanges:

6-year-old: “How big is my bladder?”
Dad: “I don’t know.”
6-year-old: “My bladder is bigger than my vagina and it’s 100 years old.”

A: “I owe you and Termie some coffee. And you could pet my new baby brindletush!!! Aw, so cute!”
B: “Are you speaking English? Is this a fantasy world type of thing?”

A: “Um, hi, this is Gina calling from the library? You returned one of our DVD cases with one of your personal DVDs inside. If you could…”
B: “Which DVD was it?”
A: “Um, it’s one of your personal ones.”
B: “Oh! Oh my god. OH! This is embarrassing….”

Best Baby Poodle Bear:

“I could watch you eat pizza forever.”

Kid to parent, during a birds and the bees talk: “Am I the only one here who has a vagina?”

“When I was a teen, I used to make capital R's where they didn't belong until my stepfather told me it was a sign of low intelligence.”

Exchanges:

A: “I asked Jerk From Work about Jennie. He said, and I quote: ‘I don't remember. There were so many librarians who wanted me.’”
B: “ha!!!!!! ‘so many’ yet he didn't specify gender so maybe it is true.”

A: “If I had a little pony, I’d glue a horn to its forehead and dye its mane to look like a rainbow.”
B: “You’d make a great 8-yr-old.”

A: “Class went well! Got this evaluation: ‘Jennie is a better teacher.’ Did he just spell my name wrong or do I have to kick this Jennie’s ass?”
B: “WTF (who) is Jennie? I hope she watches her back!!”
A: “To be quite honest, the guy asked how to spell my name and then spelled it that way. Also, he spelled computer ‘comptor’ so I might be wasting my time looking for Jennie.”

A: “I can’t believe I was so tired this morning I couldn’t remember if I had shampooed my hair or not.”
B: “Just have someone sniff it. But not the guy at work without a sense of smell. That makes him mad >: ”

A: “Gina recently met her first GILF.”
B: “Don’t let her fool you, she means ‘Gorilla I’d Like to Feed.’”

A: “What’s your problem?”
B: “My problem is you. You’re my penis fish.”
A: “Your what?!”
B: “You’ve crawled in and latched on and now I can’t move or talk or think or even pee without the nagging feeling that something is eating through my organs!”
A: “You don’t even have a penis! How am I the fish?”
B: “It’s metaphor.”