Quotes of the Week

“My impression of The Count from Sesame Street was so bad that @karisj didn't even notice I altered my own voice, or what I was trying to do.”

“Are you mixing up the black people on America’s Next Top Model?! *shakes head at racist friend*”

“Feel like shaking a baby? There is an iPhone app for that, FINALLY!”

“Why am I so sleeeeeeeepy? Answrs, plzkthx. And why are there so many damn songs about rainbows. AND SO FEW ABOUT UNICORNS?”

“Fanx. I'm stoked. Don't tell Rob about naming the baby. I still haven't agreed to put him on the birth certificate.”

“I love love looove when the guy rips out the other guy's abdomen, whaps him in the face with it and then wears it for a hat.”

“Told a blind lady today ‘you'll see it when you get there.’”

“Trying to think how else Fresno County can degrade me further....let's see....maybe I could be the dry-erase board at our next meeting.”

TRMite @MarthaStewart: “your tweets were boring me so I stopped following you. still a fan.”

“Every time I see ‘Tweet Deck’ I misread it to say ‘Tweet Dick.’ Sounds like a person with a lisp saying ‘sweet dick.’”

Best ‘Bad News Broken Using a Baby Animal’ of the week:

“Also did an ab workout for good measure. I seem to have developed an ab. I would like to get 5 more.”

“You haven't quoted me in a while...Part of me feels neglected, and another part of me feels relieved to know that I don't sound like a blathering jackass every time I open my mouth.”

“I just called Woli Lisa and I also just got jalapeno in my eye but inspire of it all... I am happy to be home from singing my name so much.”

“I can cut my six-word memoir down to two: wildly unprepared.”

“J's mom made me veggie soup the other day and he mortified me by telling her I don't like soup. I said 'he lies, Betty! He's taking one comment I made about soup being watery bullshit and blowing it all outta proportion. It's delicious!' And it was. Just if I were choosing, it wouldn't be soup. How can you complain when someone handmakes you soup??!”

“We don't have spring here. We have Winter and Road Construction.”

“Dude it's midnight on the east coast and Martha Stewart is tweeting like every 2 seconds. I think I'm starting to get it now.”

“I wish Texas would break away. The US needs another 3rd world country to exploit.”

“Is Salad Fingers that bloody guts guy that bleeds everywhere?”

“Think I'm in lust. J just called out from the bathroom: ‘Hey Gina? Can we watch Salad Fingers before bed? I want the Horace Horsecollar one.’”

Exchanges:

A: “How come most hairstyles involve non-kosher food animals? Pigtails, pony tail, unihorn.”
B: “Oh plz wear your hair in a unihorn today.”

A: “I sometimes have full conversations in my head, is that weird?”
B: “Nope. By the way, I asked you something in my dream last night but didn’t catch the answer. Yes or no? If yes, ribbons ok?”
A: “Oh good, I was beginning to worry. Also, the answer is Yes, and ribbons are cool but only if you tie them in the shape of a unicorn.”

A: “It wasn’t funny in the dream, but the sick boy was dressed as Howdy Doody.”
B: “It is at this point in your story that a single tear falls into my afternoon cocktail, sliding down the slice of lime and into the gin.”

A: “I had to borrow J’s deodorant this morning and now I keep wanting to lick my armpits.”
B: “It is at this point in your story that I cock my head 17 degrees to the right and scrunch my eyes a little while pouting my lower lip.”

A: “I hear you're involved in some kind of unicorn rally on campus. That true?”
B: “Union. Labor union rally. Jackass.”
A: “Cool, so if they’re in labor, there’ll be another batch of them, right? I’ll take two, thanks.”

Twitter Exchange of the Week:

grrb
Officially not following TBK anymore. Sorry! NSFW, and sort of like a sideshow act. No offense, sissy! I am still following @TheSnuggie tho.

TheSnuggie
@grrb I am very SFW. If you bring me to work, you can do anything while I am on top, no one will be the wiser.

vlexor
If only all things were as SFW as the Snuggie.

“Saw a panel truck that had on the side ‘National Stripping Service, INC.’ First thought, what would @grrb think about this.”

“I always thought you had great twits.”

“One of my eye plugs just came out and it looks like the world's smallest butt plug.”

“Woli said this morning ‘do you want some cream of Sister Wife’ and that meant coffee.”

“Is A in the closet or somethin'? what about B? C I already knew about.”

Six-year-old: “The Earth doesn't have as many groceries as Super Target does, duh.”

Overheard at the library: “I don't think you're going to find that book on bestiality, Margaret.”

“I just sneezed out something solid and I'm not sure where it landed. If you see me and you see it, give a sister a heads up.”

Six-year-old: “This letter is addressed to resident, why that's me.”

“Let's go swim down in some deep waters, find some sharks to tease.”

“Plus, Stephenie Meyer is a whiny pinhead and if I ever found her in the wild being torn apart alive by werewolves, I’d merrily sell popcorn.”

“And the magic underwear gets caught in your teeth.”

“Stay home so you rest. You’ll end up sucker for shore…..wait, if you stay home, what does that mean for Friday Quotes?”

Exchanges:

A: “We just walked past Bubba.”
B: “Huh??”
A: “Our former mayor, Bubba, from In the Heat of the Night. We just walked past him.”
B: “I missed it?? Dang. I talk too much. I missed it when we walked past Sarah Silverman in L.A. too. Bubba was the subject of one of my first blob posts.”

“Holy shit! You win one million internets for that one."

"Girl, you need a change! You need to zap that cap! Good idea, but how? With Leisure Curl! It's a great non-greasy product."

"Gina wants to keep you subservient because she's afraid of losing you."

"I wanna crawl under a table and take a nap, but I'm in a meeting and there are too many feet under there."

"You should make a knock-off brand Snuggie and call it Slep."

"Awww man, the tour of the hospital doesn't include the free shots I told my students they'd be getting."

"When when WHEN wHen whEn????????? When is a weird word when your STOMACH IS EATING ITS NEIGHBORS."

"Enjoying another perverse pleasure: listening to an unsuccessful NPR pledge drive."

"I hate it when preggos draw attention to themselves. I'm all like 'big deal, you got knocked up. We already see that because you are GIANT and whiny.'"

"Confused Firefighters Fail to Rescue Child Wearing Firefighter Costume."

"Sign that Josh and I are gay southerners: tried to fix a framed mirror with hot glue and duct tape."

"Maybe the dildo ate yer baby."

Exchange:

A: "OMG, I forgot we all know each other!"
B: "Reunion in the hizzy!"
C: "It's not a reunion without Ken! Send up the Swastika-Signal."
A: "Ah, Ken, what a dear. But can't forget Lorna or whatever that old lady greeter's name was. She was a true Hitler Youth. Ken chose his dumb lifestyle, but she was a kid and couldn't help it."
B: "Lore. I wonder if she's still alive."
C: "And then everybody in the hizzy got all sad."
B: "Oh gawd! lolacaust!"