Quotes of the Week

“At dinner at Carmine's my dad told me about his new beau. He's built and has a great butt, works for the USPS. I laughed LOUD and said ‘HA HA YOU'RE FUCKING THE MAILMAN!”

“Got honked at while running, didn't think that would happen 'til July.”

Six-year-old: "If you are a really smart baby can you skip preschool?"

“‘Someone tried to burn my car last night. Who do I call?’- This is FAQ on the Fresno Co. Sheriff's website. How F is this Q being A'd??”

“Has very little memory of my 'memorial' day weekend. That's irony, Alanis.”

“Nice recipes. I think you need to call one 'wedge' or maybe 'ultra moist.’”

“She was a horrid bitch. I made sure to give her tiny little paper scraps.”

“This drink tastes delightful, like lemonade, not liquory at all. In fact I shall give it to little children on the street and I bet they won’t notice it’s not lemonade til they crash their Big Wheels.”

“If I pour burpy glump on your desk does that mean we're friends?”

“Please visit the Farm Sanctuary for us & give the animals some of my scary friendship bread.”

“I can totally picture you beeping away, but kindly, looking up every few minutes at crabbypants.”

“[I have] 4 of 6 symptoms associated with a class-action lawsuit against a pharmaceutical company advertised on TV. Now if only I'd taken the drug, I'd be set for life.”

“I don't trust anything that doesn't have a neck. Nor a torso. There's 'cute', and then there's 'missing vital organs'.”

“My arm has the swine flu.”

Exchanges:

A: “Today: work on blog, unpack SRP supplies, eat food, sell @jamie8071 to highest bidder, reorganize desk, read, watch new movies.”
B: “Is she white? I give u a nickel.”

A: “Where are the new photos of the carpet in your skate park?”
B: “No new photos nor new carpet, but there is no mold and they will tack skate park down Friday so that's better than someone shitting in their hand and patting my head. Right? Maybe.”

Work Email of the Week:

“Yes! Please fill out this form:
Are you crazy? (circle one) pizza OR dashboard
Thank you.”

“Gawd, what if we just went around saying that? 'Alright students, there is only one rule in my classroom. It’s GO BACK TO CHINA, BITCH!' or 'I thought we’d have a special dinner! I was thinking artichoke ravioli, garlic bread and GO BACK TO CHINA, BITCH!'”

“I think the lady who was asking for qualitative & quantitative studies on alcohol was doing some of her own research on the side.”

The Snuggie: “I think I got the shamwow pregnant last night…”

“Finally slept well! Ambien, warm-milk, melatonin smoothy - w/dash of chamomile, topped w/ whipped cream, Xanax & Valium sprinkles! Delicious.”

“Woli managed to find someone's pet rabbit this morning. She tapped on window while I was making coffee and made 'Bunny fufu' sign w/ hands.”

“Jen has mad love for the rabbits.”

“Customer: I shall espouse casual racism and assume you agree with me. Me: I shall say noncommital things until you leave. Ahh public service.”

“I never seen Scrubs but I do know it's about doctors not cats. Sorry if that was a spoiler.”

“I'm like Jesus, I like whores for friends.”

“Why does the iphone spellcheck suck? Leroy Brown was the baddest man in the whole damn town, not Perot Brown. That would just be weird.”

“Editing a project that just caused me to enter the search terms ‘hug, interracial’ into Google image search and cross my fingers. Fuck me.”

Exchanges:

A: “My mom said the locker room flooded and there’s feces everywhere!”
B: “What are feces?”
A: “Baby mice.”
B: “Aww!”

A: “Go back to China, bitch.”
B: “CHUT UP!”

“I can't believe you said that about their heads--nearly choked drinking water.”

“The one picture with the cows is well sick, wrong, and yet incredibly shiny, I could not look away.”

“In my weird dream E accidentally offed a hooker named Ginger in a seedy hotel room next to Kmart while I was teaching a doctor to sew.”

“Truly do love that picture, it looks like what would happen if a herd of cabbage patch kids invaded a Dunkin Donuts.”

“@grrb shit. @marthastewart was here? Bitch didn't even leave a present.”

“A couple of different people have called today to express shock that the library is open on Mother's Day. Breaking News: Libraries hate moms.”

“I think polygamy is trying to be the new vampire.”

Exchange:

Status: “I’m wondering where the 3,000 words for this article are going to come from. I've got 30ish hours to make it happen. C'mon inspiration.”
A: “I'd get off face book for a start....No inspiration here dude.You need You tube for that!”
B: “Do what I do: assemble your sentences via Boggle. Then add in 'quite', 'however' and a shit ton of commas. After that it's simply a matter of letting your editor 'polish' the thing.
Hmmm. I just realized that 'polish', in quotation marks, could be construed as an insult to your editing, which was fine and dandy from what I remembered. I was just trying to say that it's best to randomly assemble things then let other people finish the rest of the admittedly eccentric piece for you. However, it's quite evident gherkin, we've sadist the an went, quite protruding concavity, quite, however.”

Haiku of the Week:

Thoughts on the Universe

The universe sucks.
At least I have cheeseburgers
And lots of good friends.

by Rob

“Sometimes I realize that what I feel, what I let myself feel, is just the ice above the water and the rest of this iceberg is cracking deep.”

“Carving Styrofoam at desk for puppet props. Debris everywhere. Looks like a beanbag was gang raped by a posse of packing peanuts.”

“Vibe at library suddenly without Internet access = eerily like a group of strangers in the midst of some disaster holding on to one another. Youtube is unavailable! Hold my hand, stranger beside me. I’m glad you were with me when things got bad.”

Exchanges:

A: “Blah to you, missy! You were a bitch to me in my dream last night!”
B: “What did I do? I swear I didn’t put that swine flu under your Serta pillow while you were sleeping in your unicorn pjs! Swear!”


MarthaStewart
We had a great dinner- after the mint juleps, shots of pea soup with green apple, asparagus with fried poached eggs, arctic char, ramp risotto
TRMite
@MarthStewart sounds lovely. Is Clare your bedfellow or what? Oh wait, do you have a bedfellow? I know so little beyond the donkeys.
judithsweet
@TRMite I read this all wrong, I thought you said the donkeys were her bedfellows?
TRMite
@judithsweet oh no, all I know about is the donkeys. They don’t share her bed, do they? Think they are house donkey but not allowed on bed.
Erindowney
@TRMite you know people with house donkeys?!
Connieurq
You all better lay off Martha Stewart. She’s been to prison. She could cut you (and prolly with a v expensive knife).

“You're not the only one with a nutty Mama. Mine has a hummingbird preserved in her freezer, in a pretty gold box right next to the peas.”

“P.S. When my cousin had colan cancer I ended up at the drs office when all I had was a hemroid so maybe I'm suseptable.”

“I got one once who said ‘I returned these books, but then they were still at my house.’”

“The fact that I keep typo-ing ‘stork’ for ‘stroke’ makes it difficult to take my Stork Awareness Month powerpoint seriously.”

“Oh wow! Hope your dream comes true. I dreamed that W & I were caught by a health inspector after eating tostadas from the garbage.”

8:50am: “You're just in denial because you actually have the swine flue.”
8:51am: “Good god I meant flu. Perhapes I have it too; one of the symptoms is adding unnecessary letters to the end of wordso.”

“Which one is the hot Wiggle again? My friend tried to explain the replacement to me once & I didn't get it.”

“CPR and First Aid certified. I got 100% on the test. If you're just about to die, I know what to do to prolong your death.”

“Had to get serious with a puppet maker just now. He responded quickly. My intimidation tactics were successful.”

“Thinks its weird that babies grow their appendix first when they don't even need it. Stupid babies.”

“Just got shushed. By a teen talking on her cell phone. While I was trying to tell her to take it out to the lobby because she was TOO LOUD.”

“Ya. People always leave bloody boogers and cheeto fingerprints and dead babies in books.”

“Sometimes I think you don't exist.”

“200 people in Philadelphia die every year because they aren't smart enough to turn on a fan in the summertime. We live in brick houses. They turn into brick ovens. The nice part about that is that you can set a DiGiornos on the counter before work and it is baked to perfection by the time you get home. The bad part about that is grandma cooks up like a ham under the same conditions. Take home lesson? Rub her down with Ginger Ale and pin some pineapple rings on her soft spots on your way out the door each morning, just in case she doesn't feel like cracking a window.”

Exchanges:

Jerk from Work: “The 80’s called and wants its outfit back.”
Me: “Hot Topic called and wants its band shirt back. And its eyeliner.”

A: “Back from jog. Of course there were a million people there to see me lumbering along like a she-walrus. 1.5 miles, 1/3 of which jogged.”
B: “Keep it up grrrrrl!! You will be the hottest she-walrus in the world.”
A: “Tee-hee, I'll have little pink ribbons tied around my tusks.”

A: “Have you ever created a wiki?”
B: “No, but I like to make wiki. In fact, I'd like to make wiki right now.”

Insult of the Week:

“When I don't like someone, I refer to them as a ‘Bobrick’ in my head. The Bobrick company makes an overwhelming majority of those little metal boxes that we ladies toss our used sanitary products into whilst in a public restroom. Pleasant, no? So much more scathing than jerkoff or douchebag.”

by Lora