Quotes of the Week

Six-year-old: "Why isn't there a window on my body?"

“Sometimes I forget the awesomeness that is Tremors. They're under the ground!”

“It's dawning on me that I'll never own pants made of stuffed animals like Flea had in that RHCP video.”

“My daughter informed me that the prince liked Cinderella only because she was wearing pretty clothes, and that is NOT A GOOD ENOUGH REASON. I spared her the whole foot fetish theory.”

“Life is a sexually transmitted terminal condition.”

Exchanges:

Message from A: “Reiki says this will be fine.”
B: “Huh? Who the hell is Reiki? Must be our new Asian sister wife.”
C: “What the hell are you talking about?”
B: “Oh, forget it, you wouldn’t understand the magic that is pretend polygamy.”

A: “A Priscilla Baker is what u have after a Brazilian.”
B: “I think we can all agree that X has never had a Priscilla Baker. In fact, she prolly haz cobwebs.”

Status: “Judith is feeling very Martha Stewart-y: after making a chicken pot pie I used the remaining phyllo for apple-cranberry pecan turnovers.
B: “You are pervy for feeling up Martha Stewart, what with the house donkeys and all.”

“What's worse than a pair of crocs? A pair of dirty yellow Spongebob Squarepants crocs on yer kid's feet. And his haircut. That's pretty bad too.”

“Husband admitted he sucks in when I'm around and it was just the sweetest.”

“Typed in a search for ‘Perl’ on our book search catalog and it came back with Did you Mean ‘Peril’?”

“You're the third person to call me a birch. Such a crackerwhore.”

“Hey crackerlady with the perky nips and the meth demeaner, calm the eff down while I make yer library card, yer making me nervous.”

Exchanges:

A: “My mom's psycho neighbor is stalking her and using her dead husband to intimidate her. I would like to drop a wolverine in his bathtub.”
B: “If Wolverine looks anything like Hugh Jackman (I think he played Wolverine?) send one to my bathtub too.”

A: “What is rocket science?”
B: “Rocket science is when scientists learn more about space. I think.”

“Little girl: I want books on zebras, rapunzel, mexico, the little mermaid, and science. Me: Yes...yes, we can do that.”

“It takes an adult to make a child hate knowing things.”

“Earlier today i sent u a text and just now i realized why you didn't respond: ur iPhone is sitting in a bowl of rice.”

“Found a credit card in restroom. Bought a few $10 waters, then turned it in to airport staff. She's gonna go buy perfume @ duty free shop.”

“Who the eff is Darcy!? Is that Martha's house donkey?”

“Missing the point of potty training, Riley dumped his chocolate milk into the potty cutting out the middle man.”

“On my way home with a pizza & a virus. Brody has the virus and I'm going to eat the pizza!”

“Dear Loretta, No. My name is not spelled Giner. And if you call me hon again I'm going to punch you in the jaw. Thx, Gina”

“Maybe u and Jen could be my sister wipes. Are either of you againt scat humor?”

Exchanges:

Martha Stewart: “Almost surreal vegetables I picked in the garden see more here”
Reply: “MARTHA, vegetables are not sex toys!! or at least not for people with money i.e. YOU! no more pics either.”

Martha Stewart: “We are working on a new series for kids- little martha-animated,educational, but lots and lots of fun. will you let your kids watch????”
Reply: “NO. porn is not for children!!!!”

“So I had a patron named Neon visit the library today. He was not bright but definitely annoying.”

“Dear Coworker, It's Cynthia RYLANT not Cynthia Reliant. Thx. P.S. I just read Passive Aggressive Notes--so good!”

“I just had the best idea: beer laced with birth control. I'm going to be a millionaire.”

“Was woken up @ 3:30am by wife dialing the phone. She called her own cell. ‘What are you doing?’ ‘Uh nothing’ then back to sleep.”

“So sad that I'm missing The Soup. At a stinky bar where woman have mullets!”

“Just got this spam e-mail ‘China speyefders have a James Bond way to flee.’”

“Bought some new deodorant: Degree V12, Nascar Edition. I'm hoping it will make me smell like I like country music.”

Exchange:

Person at door: “Have you seen a white Shih Tzu?”
6-year-old: “I think I saw a yellow one land on my arm in the backyard.”

Confesshun of the Week:

“While slapping my wife’s ass and preparing to mount her, I paused to recall a story involving Martha Stewart on Twitter. And that’s why I’m not getting any.”

“Slept in. Had a dream I was writing down my tweets in a notebook, then got mad that no one else could see them.”

“I ran out of gas and had to roll into the gas station by the strip club. Now my car is fueled by cheap perfume and daddy issues.”

“Confusing ‘ravenous’ with ‘ravishing’ can be embarrassing. Almost tweeted that I was the latter when in fact I'm the former.”

“My trashy reality shows bin is full! The feminist in me cries.”

“[Our library] has a café and a teen lounge with PS2s. I feel old walking in with my ‘when I was a kid…’ stories. Then I eat a muffin and shut the hell up.”

“I paid the neighbor to pick up the strawberries and got a giant bowel plus a small bowel full.”

Exchanges:

A: “Using a frozen burrito to ice my back.”
B: “I used to always do that but one day I got really hungry (and had forgotten my wallett) and then I ate my icepack.”

A: “What if we went down for the funeral?”
B: [pause] “I feel really bad, but I don’t know who you mean….Michael Jackson!? OMG we are not going to his funeral.”

Most Boring Quote of the Week:
“Who knows what he died of, I won’t speculate on a cause of death but will wait until the final autopsy results are released.”

YouTube Comment of the Week:
“Is there any way to send AIDS to this kid over the Internet?”