“Left for work - not before trying to lock it with my car remote. ‘Boop-beep!’”
“One question: do you guys have the same UPS lesbian we do? Nevermind- I think we have 2. I think UPS & libraries specialize in gay.”
“You're gonna run into jerk offs. But remember, it's not the size of the asshole you worry about, it's how much shit comes out of it.”
“When it comes to semen and blood, I am not ‘wowed’ by ShamWow!”
“Waffle House is like the wife of Applebee’s that always has bruises on her face and claims she's just ‘clumsy.’”
“I'm sick but too lazy to track down the Advil Cold & Sinus. Basically, I'm an evolutionary cul-de-sac.”
“I will look for Veganomicon. E won't eat vegan tho. Not much vegetarian either. ‘No way’ to tvp, barley, etc. Man jeans and man genes.”
“What do you feel is the most Innovative Produce or Service?”
“Hee hee. I thought aw, someone's poor dolly. Then I said, GINA's dolly. Sure beats the black dildo we saw on the street.”
“Does the lady like you okay? Or is it like ‘ah no, you again?’”
“In head, unicorns bleed rainbow sherbet. In head I also have a boyfriend, so my head's a pretty unreliable narrator.”
“Comcast online chat just told me he hopes I’m doing well ‘in my end’. . . [then] he reminded me to make sure I have someone at least 18 who speaks English. I told him I’ll have someone in my end who’s good with the Englishes. I actually typed that.”
A: “Now to join my prematurely geriatric roommate for bunko.”
B: “My friend once tried to start a bunko movement. I think of her as my grandma friend now.”
A: “Did you know that Hitler’s name anagrams to THE FAT CAT DOTER?”
B: “REALLY?? Omg….wait….no it doesn’t.”
A: “Ok fine, it anagrams to RILL OF DEATH. But I thought that was too convenient, you know what I’m sayin’?”
“Obama says he wants kids to study hard. Which we all know that's a slippery slope to becoming a Nazi.”
“Hey! I forget to pray to baby unicorns. like when someone says 'pray for...' I forget I have unicorns to worship.”
“I'm frog stomping since my girl can't. FROGS! I stomp you!”
“So I'm checking out books for a nice, young lady and she rips a huge fart. I was shocked. You stay classy gassy lady.”
“If it weren't for the face on his co-anchor...I'da thunk it a fake. But haha that shit's golden. Golden shit Gina. Like a unicorn dropped it.”
“How could you not know? I mean, haven't you seen TV? Haven't you been to high school? You're the creepy guy!”
A: “Most of the time, emails mentioning throw up and bloody poop don’t end with the word ‘dandy’! Consider yourself lucky.”
B: “Come to think of it, aside from you and the ghost of F. Scott Fitzgerald, no one sends me any email that ends with the word ‘dandy.’”
A’s Status: “I’d rather be riding a unicorn.”
B’s Status: “I would rather be riding a donkey with a fancy horn.”
C’s Status: “I’d rather be riding a baby Tibetan Yak with only one horn.”
A: “Well if it isn't my favorite LIAR.”
B: “Well if it isn't my favorite retarded librarian.”
“I told E I couldn't get donuts 'cause I'm still wearing the ones I ate last year."
"Just have to say that the anagram for my name is QUEER, INTRUSIONAL OUCH. So true."
"I'll show you my bunnies if you show me your chairs."
"Awesome sounding neighbor! Much better to have a spitfire judith than a meth spitting deadbeat."
"I totally pulled off hosting that Brownies meeting. And I made the girls eat flowers."
"The ice-cream wagon stopped and she exchanged money for pieces of the original Ice Age."
"You and your Georgians. What with their colonial architecture and kings named George. Fie, I say."
Facebook Status of the Week:
"No one should be frozen in carbonite, or be slowly digested for a thousand years in the bowels of a sarlaac, just because they couldn't pay Jabba the Hutt what they owe him. If you agree, post this as your status for the rest of the day."
Twittervention of the Week:
jwickliff @TRMite those neighbors are cool, there's another meth/tweaker neighbor that's annoying.
TRMite @grrb haha. can you believe Jonathon is using meth?
grrb @jwickliff Ur friends are staging an intervention. I'll go first. I h8 it that drugs make u push babies thru the chute. Now you, @TRMite.
TRMite @jwickliff I hate that meth makes you want so sell you comic book collectshun. those books are everything to you! wake up!!!
con @jwickliff I hate that drugs make you go all the way to Belgium just to score "the good stuff".
farre @jwickliff I hate that the drugs make turn you into a hobo and you think "riding the rails" is living the life. It's not.
TRMite @grrb we are good I think Jonathon is gonna go to rehab. now we just wait.
erindowney Nothing weirder than a grown man in full on boy scout uniform doing paperwork at a sbux. *shudder*
grrb @erindowney Why is Jonathan doing paperwork at Starbucks?? OH NOOOOOO!!! The drugs are really kicking in now.
grrb @judithsweet I'm sure @jwickliff would like to hear from you too. This drug addicshun is serious. He's dressing like a boy scout!
DM Confesshun of the Week:
"saw a train of retards heading 2 the bathroom w/ their group home leader & decided I didn't have to pee THAT bad."
“The kitchen smells like fresh parsley & mistakes. Is there a hashtag for ‘cantcook4shit’?”
Six-year-old figuring out how to scroll on Samsung Instinct: “How do you use this to squirrel?”
“Wish some ladies would treat their husbands the way I treat purple Skittles. If no one else wants them, I throw them away.”
“Can you explain to me why working between 8am-12pm and 1pm-4pm is not an 8 hr work day?”
A: “Tonight’s dinner: a pot of glue too gross to twitpic.”
B: “Just find a man who can cook. You could glue him something and he can cook you dinner.”
A: “Just got the ugliest little book in on request. Not sure if I want to read it or ____”
B: “line a puppy mill with it.”
C: “stuff it in your toilet before your ass explodes.”
D: “rip it into little pieces and feed it to unsuspecting ducks.”
E: “rape it because you know you want it but it’s too ugly to take home to mom.”
A: “I'm going to New Jersey.”
B: “New jersey. I'd love to go there. But I've got a lot going on in the states right now.”
A [to couple]: “I just think it's really cool that the two of you love each other even though you're from Austria and you're from some place no one's even fucking heard of.”
C: “New Zealand!”
A: “Exactly. Cos it shouldn't matter where you're from when love’s involved. It's like that movie. Interracial Hole Stretchers 2. She was white and they were black.”