14 hours ago
Friday, October 30, 2009
“Haiku on traveling:
It's way too early
Not able to close suitcase
Good Grief, Charlie Brown!”
“If you don't like change, you're going to like irrelevance even less.”
“Having a great time at Internet Librarian in Monterey. 'Cept there are a lot more cardigans here than I expected. Shit. I'm wearing one too.”
“Trent Rezn0r and Martha St3wart broke up because she refused to move in with him. She's a woman of independent means and he turned out to be a big baby. Now she's sleeping with the Dodgers. Not all at the same time, mind you--one a night. (I think). Sometimes they met in Omaha for a quickie. Of course, Martha once tweeted that it's always a quickie when it comes to Trent.”
“Fields of flowers or diseased flesh? You decide!”
“I wanna see your popcorn poodle. That sounds like some fucked up dirty thing. But you know what I mean.”
“Wait, Liesure Curl did THAT? I need to get me some!”
“It's like two ugly stories had sex with each other and had one ridiculous child.”
“But I shall think of you, my sister wipes! And of Tyra, the asexual bot I so love.”
“Afraid to ask my 14 year old taxi driver to turn down heat cuz I need him to concentrate on driving.”
Exchange:
A: “Pissed that I missed the porn presentation!”
B: “There will be another one tonight after the conference.”
Friday, October 23, 2009
“I’m sure a synaptic connection occurred there somewhere in your thought process, but, while your instinct may have developed into homophobia, your ignorance has remained an unnatural constant.”
“I'm watching the Denvers versus the San Diegos. I like the little stripey socks the Denvers wear and that's about it.”
“I'm pretty sure my car is suffering from a form of endometriosis. Coolant keeps emptying, but not on ground. Hmph.”
“Another reason being a meat eater sucks... Fancy Feast commercial just made me hungry.”
“You know what you have here? You have a teddy bear! who wanders around! your house! It's wonderful!”
“J might be a good cook but he is so tardy right now I might eat my lip gloss.”
Exchanges:
A: “Hey! What the HELL are you doing?!”
B: “Minding my own business, what are you doing?”
A: “Finally got called out on the 'I'm new in town, you drive' scam I've been pulling for 2 years.”
B: “I use my bad back as my 'I can't drive' scam. Termie is blind--that's hers. You just need a chronic disorder.”
A: “I watched another movie with that chick from Twilight.”
B: “Oh no! Was she constantly running her hands through her hair, as usual?”
A: “No, I was very surprised! Granted she had some musculoskeletal thing going on.”
A: “Your description of football sounds like gay porn I saw once, what with the tight pants and the slapping and tackling.”
B: “It *was* gay porn! Slap slap tackle tackle. Monday Night Gay Porn. I never miss it.”
Halloweenie Costume of the Week:
Friday, October 16, 2009
“‘Ain't that America’ highlight of the day: Major news networks interrupt coverage of a presidential town hall meeting to show footage of an empty weather balloon floating over Colorado. For two hours.”
“We went in this door. Poor Lisa got a shot in her tuches.”
“I had the guest room all made up for you. You're lucky you didn't come though, cause I got bitten by a spider while I slept that night. It could have been you. Spiders don't eat meat either...and they can smell vegans, you know. I heard it on Fox News, so obviously it's got to be true.”
“Reading social work writing makes me feel like I'm listening to an afterschool special while wearing sugary pink frosting on my head.”
“Bianca & Peter plan to celebrate 'hump day' by getting speutered.”
“I’m on a winning streak!!! Just won tix to a haunted house. YESSSSSSS. Being broke is awesome!!! So is begging!!!!!”
“I go through life watching the English language being raped before my face. Like Miniver Cheevy, I was born too late. And like Miniver Cheevy I cough and call it fate and go on drinking.”
“Man, Termie sure can spill the in-law fambly beans!”
“I'd drink a bottle of gin, eat a bagful of lemons and wash it down with an armful of thrifted misfit dolls.”
“The Amazon symbol and the term 'lapsit' really bug me.”
“You can make my death about you, you has my permission. Make people give you stuff. I demand that you make a profit from my passing!”
“Oh hai what's this hear about your mom moving to CA? maybe you should too (so as to be a sodomite and be close to family).”
Exchanges:
A: “Place is pretty fancy. Bed has 6 more pillows than I actually need.”
B: “I read that as...you made your bed up all fancy with extra pillows. I almost said, ‘Come make over mine pretty.’”
Mom: “There was a famous person on the plane, the person who rides Shamu at Seaworld. They swapped out the plane for an M80.”
Son: “Isn't that an explosive?”
Mom: “Well it was an M80.”
Friday, October 9, 2009
“I'm gonna start small. last time I sprinted I tripped and broke two fingers.”
“Alarm went off at 5 & I hit snooze. Next thing I know I'm feeding plane crash victims bubble gum. Wake up & it's 7. Not good!”
“We are old ladies who have to start a staggered coffee schedule or build another bathroom.”
“Did you shellack your face in clown makeup? You should really blog about it on the Wiki and then teach a webinar about it.”
“Does anyone your age know how to comb their fucking hair? It looks like two squirrels crawled on their head and started fucking.”
“Might Martha do more than cut us?”
“I just added a unicorn to my fantasy football team.”
“Sorry to hear about your tendonitis nd thumbs. Unlike @grrb, I don't think clown makeup is the solution.”
“Hope you enjoyed the experience. if not, feel free to add muscle or rearrange body hair in future naked me imaginings.”
Exchanges:
A: “Heading to Union Station and onto the light rail. Staying at 'the ranch' tonight.”
B: “For a second, I thought you said 'Unicorn Station' and I got terribly jealous and had feelings of violence toward you.”
A: “Ooh - Unicorn Station would be a better place to be. Alas, there are no unicorns here - just trains and hobos.”
B: “If a hobo gets violent with you, stab him in the forehead. It'd be a win-win sitch.”
A: “It was just a shock to be doing my hair and then suddenly turning around and seeing his big ass in the air like that.”
B: “And THAT is why god invented lids.”
A: “And THAT is why unicorns invented cameras.”
Friday, October 2, 2009
“T-minus 40 min til we get to see if Woli really is going to bring Julio & his cat stroller to a dog walk w hundreds of dogs w/o strollers.”
“Bidding on running shoes and watching SVU on disc. (Thinking about my running hobby while enjoying my tv hobby.)”
“Sister wifery is a kinship among friends that happens in magical places like Fresno, so don't try to understand.”
“Unexpected result of birthday reminder feature on fb: Reminding me that I don't really care for that person, so I delete them instead of writing happy birthday on their wall.”
Exchanges:
A: “We're taking polygamy back!!!”
B: “Putting the ‘game’ in ‘polygamy’?”
C: “I'd rather put the ‘me' in ‘polygamy’.”
Library Patron: “Earl.”
Librarian Brent: “No--Brent.”
Patron: “Where are all the girls?”
Brent: “In a staff meeting.
Patron: “In the bathroom?”
A: “I hope you win a basket of baby unicorns!!!!”
B: “Thanks my daughter got very excited when I mentioned the possibility of winning unicorns.”
A: “I'd like to adopt a Chinese girl someday.”
B: “Wouldn't it be fucked up if you adopted a Chinese girl just to get her recipes? Like ‘I'm sure that toy does look fun, but first the Chow Mein recipe. No? Get in the closet.’ I'm just kidding, I don't know why I said that. It's fucked up huh?”
A: “--”
B: “You aren't going to put this on Quotes of the Week, are you?”
Profile Photo of the Week & BONUS Caption Contest Photo*:
*Create the best caption for this photo and win bragging rights amongst your strangest friends and the homeless people you meet on your morning bus ride.
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