14 hours ago
"Pew! Just realized im driving my garbage to work with me in the car!!!"
"I dislike my roommates cat immensely, no matter what i do to him he doesn't get the hint and sleeps next to me every night. I respect that"
"When I tell E dinner is ready I won't say vichyssoise. I'll throw some cheddar cheese on top & call it country potato soup."
Six-year-old: "Jungle love, it's strawberry mad, it's making me crazy, crazy."
"sometimes you get drunk and repeatedly berate librarian for not devoting section of library to unicorn porn. whatever."
"Blondie Bitch and Asian Girl both went home last night."
"Here in Britain, of course, it's Thank Fuck We Got Those Weird Jesus Bastards On The Boat Day."
"He he. I thought [the caption] said 'Lisa before noon'. What a boozer."
"Whenever I'm sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead."
A: "Wait--what is a doorbuster?"
B: "A doorbuster is something they use to get you to bust down the door. Like free cat litter at Petsmart."
A: "I don't get it."
B: "Well, I didn't explain it very well. It's when people line up at 3 in the morning for the opportunity to spend money on something."
A: "That doesn't sound good at all!"
B: "And get this--sometimes doorbusters leave you dead. Like when someone tramples you at Wal-Mart or throws an off-brand TV at your head."
A: "This is terrible!"
B: "I know. But there are some good deals."
"She wouldn't know kindness if it crawled up her ass and sent out rogue weather reports."
"Kids with those weird names need a strong mama bear."
"I was gonna tell you I hope you get flowers but that wasn't anti-versary enough."
"I reject your baked-goods essentialism! Muffins can be anything they want! Is not Lady Gaga known to be bluffin with her muffin?"
"OH MY GOSH!!!!! I just noticed I made quotes for the 1st time ever! I'd like to thank my son and his money making pooper"
"Are you seriously judging my future ability to be a good mother on the fact that I chew cough drops like they're candy!?"
"People who don't believe in evolution really shouldn't be allowed to get flu shots."
"Holy smokes. Oprah is quitting?? This is bigger than the death of that creepy pop star with the drippy nose."
"I'd spray her face with butter if I could."
"On the subject of iPhone spelling mishaps, I just typed in the acronym DTK and it got changed to 'dyke'."
A: "Have they come out with a Roomba for stairs yet?"
B: "I think it's called 'Get-off-yer-lazy-ass-and-vacuum'. It comes out in January."
A: "Missing that Christmas audience, eh?"
A: "I'm going to meet my class at Starbucks."
B: "Wait a minute...are those Christians trying to take you out of your comfort zone to convert you?!"
A: "I think a lot of professors at Fresno Pacific do this..."
B: "Okay, just don't forget your Jewish athiestness! Don't forget about me! God is NOT the answer! I'll pray for you!"
"If the entire word 'Bootylicious' can easily be read across your ass, believe it or not, it’s probably not actually bootylicious."
"Damn girl, just because it’s Halloween doesn’t mean you gotta trick everyone by letting your treats hang out."
"This woman is crazy as cat shit or poodle shit. 'I am not homophobic because my hairdresser is gay'? A white bank teller gives me cash from my bank account, does that make me not racist?"
"AOL is like Jordache Jeans of the Internet. It's time to move on."
"Spotted on the shelf at the Big Creek library: 2 pristine copies of Child Called It. What, no one there likes fabricated abuse? Shame."
"It's so dry, I'm forced to use baby-oil to moisturize. Yeah, I feel guilty, but at least it's harvested fom free-range, not caged babies."
"you mom puts weed in your brownies? that's pretty damn luckee, I'll give ya that."
"While changing my son's poopy diaper, I found a dime and a penny!"
"I TRIED paying [AT&T] more $ every month, but they wouldn't let me. I feel bad for them, they need more money."
"I think I accidentally recycled your cat poop."
Eleven-year-old mom: "I’m not going to play with toys anymore—I have a new toy now."
A: "Learned I need to learn some technique and get a frog bra. Will tell Wols youbare keen on the softball idea. I think she hoped it would pass."
B: "WTF is a frog bra? Okay on the softball. Will look into it."
“True Stereotype: Women bus-drivers, drive like they're late to a shoe sale (whoa, that's like TWO stereotypes, for the price of one).”
“I'm not expecting any trick-or-treaters, but if I get any, I hope they like granola bars. I also have a potato.”
“This Bob Dylan Christmas album makes me want to go kick an elf.”
“Just got seasonal flu shot in one arm, H1N1 in the other. Now to get a shot for my mouth...”
“[My son]'s friend has a bit of a speech impediment so I thought she was asking to cuddle, but she was asking to color.”
“If you gave me swine flu I will drive to Michigan and kill you. Only thing I want to come home with from a conference is the clap.”
“We want to adopt a ten year old becase teaching a kid to read is BORING.”
“Woli just whispered in my ear real breathy-like ‘wanna wash the sheets?’”
“Patron: how do I get to my Yahoo e-mail? Me: Type mail.yahoo.com. Patron types ‘male.yahoo.com.’”
“I delight in telling those straw-headed thundertwats that mine’s natural.”
Kid: “I don’t get why they call these small candy bars fun size. Fun size would be the size of your bed.”
The Dear-God,-Someone-Come-Up-With-A-Caption-For-This-Scary-Pic of the Week: