4 hours ago
"Affirmative action was designed to keep women and minorities in competition with each other to distract us while white dudes inject AIDS into our chicken nuggets."
Six-year-old: "Did you know Santa is coming in 2 days? Is he going to bring me cash?"
"i'm sick. behind my nose feels like it is trying to have a pregnant in my face hole."
"My mom doesn't have a water dish for the cat: 'We have three toilets...Jim always leaves the seat down...true he doesn't flush.'"
"Some folks have ugly kids. Even in a Xmas sweater on Santa's lap, kid's still ugly. Hopefully the baby has a good personality."
A: "Think of this like learning to swim. Throw yourself into the deep end!"
B: "What if I can't swim?"
A: "Then I'll do what my father did when I was 2: lure you to the edge of the pool with a puppy and throw your ass in."
A: "Good morning my little lambchops. What would you like for Christmas?"
B: "The 12 days of Gina."
(Merry Christmas, everyone! Y'all make me laugh so.)
"Just emailed a pic of an Xmas card cuz I'm too lazy to find an address. Also, our cards don't mention Xmas, Jesus, snow, holidays, etc."
"Fyi, if a big guy starts telling you about goodies in his sack, make sure its Santa and not someone on Megan's Law."
"Not to criticize low-rise jeans, but this place is buttcrack city."
Six-year-old: "Just because I do something dangerous, doesn't mean somebody else should do it."
"Nothing like texting your wife who you can't find at Target, and hearing her phone ding in your own purse when it gets the text."
"It was my last day ever at [work] but I forgot my binder, some paperwork & my purse (with new contacts) so I guess I'll be back soon."
"How am I supposed to know the mom is a MILF if she doesn't have Uggs on?"
"Awesome! Next time I see them on my street, I'm going to wave them over. 'Yoo-hoo, mish boys, I got some rakes and shovels for you.'"
"Good luck Judith! If you get the job you have to try to get Gina and I tickets to the next State dinner that Obama throws...that way we can legitimately go as opposed to sneaking in like those stupid reality tv wannabees..."
A: "MY ANUS IS BLEEDING! Omg, I wanna watch that cartoon right now. So cute! Wait...oh, sorry, we were talking about my not liking Uggs. Yes, I am the weird one. :)"
B: "I wouldn't say you're weird so much as...um...No. You win. Weird."
App of the YEAR!
"Was once nominated for the Noble Piece Prize. I lost to a older, wiser, more noble piece of ass."
"Amid all the wails about the decline of reading and book sales, nobody questions that a book deal is still a perfectly rational, if regrettable, motive for fame-chasing idiots."
"I have a general no-consideration policy for books about horses, trolls, fairies, pirates, aliens, or talking animals. There are always exceptions but that’s the general rule."
"Damn. Got ethnic stains on my shirt last night. Can anyone recommend a good ethnic cleanser for duck sauce?"
"p.s. What's a Salad Finger?"
"Good family fun and it's a pay perview it's Gina be huge."
"Library patron complained that she missed registering for an event in time. She argued that she didn't realize it was already December because we didn't put up enough decorations."
"Winter Weather PSA: It might be slippery outside. For example, a sidewalk was slick yesterday by the plaza. Please use extreme caution."
Sickest Prank of the Week:
"I should've asked what tequila they used. Oh, well. I guess expanding my repertoire of liquors shouldn't really be a top priority."
"I can't believe you are still eating Gina's poop cupcake."
"More than once, she handed him a paper towel as clumps of tuna or egg salad landed on his shirt. 'That happens to me,' he heard her say. 'Whenever I eat a sandwich, I end up a mess.' It couldn't have been true. The girl was neat as a pin. And apparently, a fucking liar."
"If IE is the Myspace of browsers, and AOL is the Jordache of email, then Michael Bay is the anus of a jellyfish."
"I feel like a character from Candyland! Maybe that cute ice princess, but more likely, that peanut brittle chick along the edge."
"Tiger Woods uses the word 'transgressions' and Americans scramble to a dictionary."
A: "I don't understand why you text. Why don't you just call?"
B: "Clearly you've never tried getting off the phone with yourself."
A: "So you hit him with the club?"
A: "How many times?"
B: "Um...I can't remember how many times. Put me down for 5."
A: "Where ya going?"
B: "To get some air."
A: "We have air in the house!"
B: "Well, I like beer with my air."
A: "Is there some special stick to slap stupid people or will any one do?"
B: "Let me know when you find a good answer. Also, look up impaling, as this also interests me. Thanks."
A: "I want the Zhu Zhu!"
B: "But you're a grown-up."
B: "Do you only want it cos it's hard to get?"
A: "Wtf is a Zhu-Zhu?"
B: "It's like a tickle-me-hamster that gets stuck in the hair of babies. Soon all we'll see is a bunch of short people toddling around with rats stuck to their heads."