12 hours ago
"No stone throwing regardless of housing situation."
"Perhaps Fresno is the dumbest because they keep on closing the libraries, and people can't check out books to make themselves smarter. That or they keep on killing all their brain cells drinking...."
"Could anything else go wrong this week? February is gross."
Kid to Mom: "I wouldn't want you to get killed because I don't want grandpa to take me to school."
"[The study basically says] you can prevent or reverse many diseases by avoiding processed foods, meat and dairy. But doctors don't think their patients are willing to do something *that* drastic. They think they'd rather opt for shooting up insulin or losing parts of their legs or undergoing surgery. Isn't that silly? Doctors should give their patients more credit. Er......"
"Got an awesome reference question yesterday. A customer handed me a jug of Gatorade and asked 'Can you open this?' Answer: 'Yes.'"
"2000 Flushes adds color and a sense of luxury to urination. I find myself always saying 'yellow & blue makes green', in a rich person voice."
"Why is it that my dog can chew off barbie faces and eat star wars figures all day, but she won't touch her dogfood?"
From an item description: "Do to the mistake there will be sseveral free items in addition to the two and I will lower ther cost by a small fee."
"Christianity: The belief that a cosmic Jewish Zombie who was his own father can make you live forever if you symbolically eat his flesh and telepathically tell him you accept him as your master, so he can remove an evil force from your soul that is present in humanity because a rib-woman was convinced by a talking snake to eat from a magical tree."
"I think what this card is trying to say is that sometimes, love is like a metal thing. Or maybe like one of those old Daisy Wheels they used to use in printers. That’s the great thing about love; its different for everyone. It can be like a weird serving dish, or maybe you can put a candle on it."
"What about those people who have had their thumbs replaced with toes? Marvel of medical science or circus shit? You be the judge."
"I want to create a video game in which you have to help all the characters who have died in the other games. 'Hey, man, what are you playing?' 'Super Busy Hospital. Could you leave me alone? I'm performing surgery! This guy got shot in the head, like, 27 times!'"
"With $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!"
A: "Hi, how's it going!!"
B: "Do we know each other?"
A: "Oh, sorry! I thought you were someone else!"
B: "I am!"
A: "Poor [cats] are eating road kill, downed cows and corn. Ick."
B: "I switched my kitty to EVO from Natura Pet. It's expensive, but it's worth it."
C: "What is the pricey stuff made of? Tipped cows?"
A: "Are we supposed to open the door for Elijiah or sommat?"
B: "No, not on Superbowl. Just on Passover."
A: "That seems unfair. There's better food on Superbowl. On Passover all we haz to offer is a lamb bone and bitter herbs."
"I'm busted from all the groundhog day festivites. He seen his shadow yesterday, but that sonuva-bitch isn't gonna see shit 'til noon today."
"Backwards shirt is nothing--weren't you at work the day I showed up with shirt INSIDE-OUT; esp. remarkable bc it buttoned."
"Why does even Santa have to go pee pee?"
"Oh Stephen. Clearly you've eaten nothing but hamburgers and pancakes your entire life, hence the attempt at humor clouded by your depression. Sad."
"Don't make me come to Cali with a bottle of haircolor to bring back the imaGINAtive you."
"My cousin had a party in 2001 and did trivia games. I won Erin brokovich's falsies!!"
"The word 'doppelganger' makes me think of poop. Like...'ew your cat has dopplegangers hangin off its butt!'"
"Nincom-potpourri: A fragrant assortment of idiots. Try and use it in a sentence today."
"Cats are SO FUCKING tidy with shit/piss, but they'll puke about anywhere and not care. At least throw up on the hard floors! #meowmess."
Reference Question: "Why are there so many black people in Haiti?"
Eight-year-old: "Will I get to drive alone when I'm 16?"
Eight-year-old: "But what if I turn out to be an unsafe driver?"