4 hours ago
"He's scared of the outside which is a disease called homophobia."
"I'm gonna cut you three ways: frequent, deep and wide."
"Babies come from eggs that are hatched by rabbis if you are Jewish, Catholic nuns if you are Christian, and prostitutes if you are an atheist."
"♪ Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday, king of the Jews. Half the world doesn't believe in you. ♪"
"There's something a little strange about a guy who needs to line up everything on his desk but doesn't get his teeth fixed."
"I met some lame/stinky cats. No personality and ugly."
"I am playing Fresno's newest favorite game: Hungry Birds."
"I figured she's 8, she can brush her own hair, right? She can be in charge of her own 'grooming.' Yeah, well, this morning she CUT OUT the rats nest she's had in the back of her hair. I guess she took care of it."
"IF I TYPE IN ALL CAPS, IT MEANS I AM VERY SERIOUS."
"Twenty online porn websites have had to shut down due to a lack of activity the last 12 days. Feeding the Hungry > Feeding the Horny"
"If you 'like' this, Walmart will help buy food for hungry people to lick. Liking --> Licking."
"Either Fresno is full of robots or they have more computers than us."
"A kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech when words become superfluous."
"When I show my daughter a picture of Santa and ask her who it is she says 'Humpty Dumpty.'"
"I sure hope your mom got her Christmas shoes...she can't go see Jesus wearing Crocs."
"It's official...the virgin's baby busted her hymen from the inside out."
"Milton P. Hirshnickel, 24. Died late Saturday in a fall from his invention, 'The Hipsterest Bike Ever.' Services will be held at Bacon Doughnuts Taco Truck. (Dollar PBRs.)"
"I'm sorry you are blind, but it doesn't mean I'll be able to make a Christmas CD you want magically appear the week of Christmas."
"It was too cloudy to see the lunar eclipse, so I watched some dude get arrested for a DWI in front of my house instead."
"Always a downer when you see something like somebody trying to create their resume in Excel."
Teenager: "If a car has a Sarah Palin sticker and a Tea Party sticker on it, I will search the store trying to match the right person to the car."
Mom text: "Slurking = slinking and lurking. Hoggling = hogging and gobbling. Crimpled = crumpled and wrinkled."
"Like I always say, there's no 'i' in team. There is a 'me' though if you jumble it up."
"Library is now childfree, the way a library should be."
"They are nearly as atheistic as me. I don't believe in 2,870 gods, and they don't believe in 2,869."
"Ricky Gervais is my hero. First the Elmo/necrophilia thing and now this? I sort of want to marry him."
A: "I'm going to check-in on Facebook."
B: "Me too, except I'm going to check-in at the Seventh-day Adventist Church instead. Watch all my friends go apeshit."
9-year-old: "Am I famous on Twitter? Maybe I should get a tour bus."
"The worst thing about Myspace's demise is that all the chain-letter morons have migrated to Facebook. I liked it better when the stupid and uneducated were walled off in their own little ghetto."
3-year-old to cat: "Do you want a piece of me?"
"NOTE TO SELF: Ratzinger is the Pope. Ratzenberger is Cliff from Cheers. Commit this to memory. Stop embarrassing yourself in conversation."
"Just Add Balls doesn't add testicles to photos, just the word 'balls.'"
"Got 2 messages from a client on my voicemail today. One said he thought I was back from 'maturity leave.' The other said he was glad I was back from 'maternity labor.'"
"...So I started thinking, 'What job lends itself well to being a midget?' And the answer I came up with is tailor for hemming and midwife for baby catching. In both cases the height thing would be a real advantage."
"This is why I shouldn't be trusted with anything living...Not because I'll give it a raging herpectic infection, per se...."
Library patron learning how to cut and paste: "Can you blue my screen for me?"
"Your blackness bumped me to second!"
A: "I broke up with the unicorn boyfriend."
B: "You fucking WHAT?!?!?!? Normally, as a creep, my first reaction would be 'COOL! I'm going to ask her out now.' But if the friggin Unicorn can't make the cut, what chance do I have?"
A: "You have been the bright spot to an otherwise shitty year."
B: "I'm glad I brighten your shit."
A: "I'm eating my leftover pasta thanks to you!"
B: "I'm watching a movie that involves brutal rape thanks to you."
Most liked comment of the week:
"I'm gonna send you a Google invite to shut the hell up."
"'I say what I think' is just another way of saying 'I'm an asshole.'"
"I need a chiropractor to do things to me. Do any of you happen to be one?"
"When you break into someone's house it's always better to have a white chick with you."
"Aww. I'm disappointed. I was going to [guess] a unicorn with sideburns holding an origami human head in one hoof and a box with Tracy's real head in the other..."
"There are a whole bunch of sad little unicorns wandering around this world without horns. Sigh."
"What you front name to be call? Gina or Tina? You send to your momma, 'Tina'. I don't hear that Tina Turner is good at all. So you front name is Gina."
"@CenterdinFresno that's the worst Fresno-related list I've seen. You should be ashamed of your existence."
"I didn't want to say this on a group mail b/c I wasn't sure all those folks would get my sense of humor and selfishness but at least [your breakup] could mean the return of the date-a-toad blog. That shit was ridiculous!"
"The new Facebook tells me what it *wants* me to know about people? Great. Soon we'll need Wikileaks just to navigate Facebook."
"As I sit here, performing the womanly art of breastfeeding...I googled my name to find it means 'manly.' If I wasn't so womanly, I'd hunt the authors of that site down and beat them with my dumb smartphone. Thankfully, I'm all woman."
A: "Our waitress sucks!"
B: "And she has an underbite. I don't trust anyone with an underbite."
A: "My laundry is taking up one side of my bed."
B: "Oh? Is that like sleeping with a couple of people?"
A: "It's like sleeping with a small orphanage."
"Man, I wish I was visiting magical vortexes. Instead, I've been replacing endcap signs. Juvenile Fiction: A-B. Juvenile Fiction: C-D."
"All I shall say is that you look great with a goatee. The little shrimp I was dating looked ridiculous with one."
"Hello, this is my friend Gina and her gay Nepalese unicorn child."
"In [my daughter's] attempt to be helpful, she washed most of her clothes by hand last night, in her room, in a toy tub. She then folded them, while they were wet, and put them away. So very independent of her."
"Flight Attendant: Despite the fact that we are flying over the desert, I'm required to tell you that your seat cushion can be used as a flotation device. If we do land in the desert, feel free to use it to slide across the sand and keep it as a souvenir."
"It's so dry, I'm forced to use baby-oil to moisturize. Yeah, I feel guilty, but at least it's harvested fom free-range, not caged babies."
"First time seeing my friend Travis do stand-up! He's very smart and hilarious. Bonus points for not referring to notecards or his penis size!"
"For extra credit, troll around on the SLIS listserv and ruin a perfectly good Dylan lyric by having it as your email signature."
"I hope you get to do something besides work... like chase unicorns through a hedge maze. Let me know how that goes."
"You're so cuuuuteeee! I'm gunna eat chu in my mac n cheeeese!"
"I'll take the blame for the narwhals but anything about keeping a secret about me being a male prostitute I won't take the blame for."
A: "You want me to have the baby AT pubquiz??? I'll try."
B: "If you want, we can go to the bathroom for privacy, but I don't want to miss any questions!"
4-year-old girl pointing at France: "What kinda planet is this?"
Adult: "That's not a planet, that's a country."
Girl: "What's your favorite planet?"
Adult: "America--I mean Earth!"