"You know, I'd get a tattoo with your name on it. Only, I want you to have the freedom to change your name if you want to."
"Theyre kind of an Asian couple."
"I used to drive home after getting drunk, but some mothers got mad-duh-duh."
3-year-old girl: "Mama, are you happy and glad? I'm happy and glad. Does that make you happy and glad? I'm happy and glad on Mondays and Tuesdays and Halloweens and Fridays..."
"Everytime I ride (or drive) in a Mini I have the sudden urge to listen to Hebrew hip hop."
"Ahhh…the wind feels good through my plastic hair."
Library question of the week: "Where are your books that are, like, interesting?"
"@JohnnySlouch is like that weird guy you keep in your circle but fear him at the same time."
"Don't tell anyone but I'm gonna ask Charlie Sheen to go steady with me."
"Today sucked. I blame it on this stupid goatee I have now."
Kid, on wedding invitations: "It's really nice that they put toilet paper in the envelope so you can open it up in the bathroom and you're all set to wipe. They should do that with credit card bills. And birthday cards."
A: "You're kidding, right?"
B: "If I were kidding I'd be dressed like you."
A: "Are they actually calling it a marathong?"
B: "LOL I was wondering if someone would catch that. Gina is starting to rub off on me."
A: "I lub it when Gina rubs off on me. I might also lub it if she rubs on me."
B: "Wetness on my lips and a girls head buried in my ass...I'm motivated."
A: "You made me pee."
B: "Is that a good thing?"
A: "Not if your lips are wet!"
[thanks to Kendra for the motivational poster!]