"I just called dental floss 'tooth floss'! WTF, am I some kind of foreigner or something??"
"If my son came home Christian, I'd stick a knife in his little whitey ass. Not in THIS house!"
"My phone just tried to turn 'cupcakes' into 'Vulcan.'"
"I think I have bulimia in my shoulders."
"I just explained to the supervisor how to write objectives for her scope of work and she turned to me, eyes wide and frightened and said, 'I absolutely cannot do that.' Twice. Can you imagine if we all went around saying things like that! What a darling!"
"When one of my cats begins making that sound, the others run to eat the puke. It's a race to see who will get there first, me with paper towels or them with their disgusting eating habits."
"Has anyone else had birds swoop down, chase them and peck their heads while running or am I just the anti Dr. Doolittle!"
"I have neatly arranged my life so I don't get up at insane hours. Love you both, however."
"Can you imagine if we/our roommates/life partners pooped in a box hidden in a weird corner of the house and we didn't clean it out for days, even if company came over?"
"Someone on OkCupid just asked me if I knew about your iworkatapubliclibrary blog."
"Stop growing! I can't afford this!"
"I'm not dad. I'm also not barefoot."
A: "If you have a question you'd like to 'Ask Conlan', please send a self-addressed stamped envelope to somebody who cares."
B: "I first read this as a 'self-addressed stumped envelope' and giggled like a giggling fat guy."
A: "Sounds good to me."
B: "I'm picturing an envelope with a look of extreme consternation staring at a dogeared sudoku book."
Mom: "Do you want a grilled cheese sandwich?"
Kid: "Um, NO."
Mom: "Why not?"
Kid: "I don't like grilled cheese."
Mom: "Why are you so racist?"
Kid: "Cheese is NOT a race, and I like black people."
A: "I love you even though you're Christian."
B: "Well I love you without any qualifiers."
A: "I love you even though you think you are better than me."
A: "2 in the baby 1 in the maybe. 2 in the diaper 1 in the wiper."
B: "2 in the onesie, 1 in the mumsie. 2 in the jumper, 1 in the pumper."
Best Mix of Facebook Statuses, shown in order:
A: "My soul was blessed by a great teaching at church this morning."
B: "Good morning, my strange and delightful mix of friends! Man, the pedophilia jokes were flying last night."
C: "This is the day the Lord has made. Let us rejoice and be glad in it!"