Kid: "You look like an Elmo stalker in that rainbow tinsel wig."
"Trying to cancel our Comcast service this morning has truly been a perfect illustration of Brechtian alienation."
"I'm supposed to go to a little baby's birthday party. Might send a potted plant in my place. It's not like the kid will know the difference."
"How old is too old? This old."
"[He] is ignoring me. He feels my comment about images of cysts with hair and teeth possibly being more disgusting than images of genital warts does not warrant a response."
"I'm going to stop judging people who leave Christmas decorations up all year as 'lazy' and start classifying them as 'really into jesus.'"
"I can't pee when there's another guy standing right next to me on the bus."
"She's had neck problems since the beginning of World of Warcraft."
"They have a very strict dress code there so she always dresses like she's going to some fancy funeral."
"Really did I spell it that way??? Please don't quote me Gina. Your so mean!!!"
"When a professor of communication asks you to identify which class you're in and you respond, 'the communication one,' you make him mad."
Kid: "The Gingerbread Man got what he deserved. He was a cookie."
"Children who tattle on other children make for unlikable adults. But they are really useful to have around when they are children."
"Good thing the Chinese have that strict 1-child rule. Otherwise, far too many people in the world would know what your tattoo actually means."
"There are some mornings where [my daughter] looks such like an Olsen twin I can't help but mentally spend the money her empire should be raking in."
Review of the film Art & Copy: "Buncha old folk sucking their own dicks."
"As a male, the most radical thing I can do in North Fresno is to not wear flip flops and cargo shorts."
"Daughter couldn't go swimming at camp today because some clueless baby pooped in the pool."
"I was browsing the subject headings, and I came across this one: '1. UNICORNS. 2. EVOLUTION (BIOLOGY).' It is a listing for a book called Natural History of Unicorns. Whoever assigned that subject heading either has no sense of whimsy or an overdeveloped one."
"Just sent my first all staff email here. Sad I won't get an email from you laughing at my mistakes."
"On the next bench there's a woman eating a half gallon box of melting ice cream with a tiny plastic spoon. It's all over her hands and arms."
"I wanna have your babies. I'm sure if you just sing into my ear a little bit, my reproductive organs would be so responsive we would immaculately conceive."
"Late 40s Eddie Money look-a-like driving your elderly mom around in her giant Oldsmobile. I salute you."
"Don't lecture me about table manners, we lick ourselves."