"I saw a lady in Pajama Jeans at Seaworld. I tried so hard to get a pic, but she was crafty."
"Unicorns don't exist, dummy! And that's hard for a gay man to tell a straight woman."
"My mom just mistook Kindergarten Cop for Twins. After my dad asked if Justin Bieber was dating Arnold's illegitimate child."
"If there's one thing I can't stand, it's a baggy Magnum."
"I'm not saying I'm unlucky, but two flat tires on one bike ride. Plus, a bird crapped on my shoe while changing the second tire. C'mon!"
"My dog does not give a damn about the fireworks. Last night a spark landed on his tail and he could barely be bothered to shake it off."
"The robots have all but won when I'm willing to buy a cooling device for my laptop but not a fan for myself."
"I just signed a kid up for the summer reading program who told me his name was 'Snot-faced Puppy.' I wrote it on his reading log and said thank you. He beamed."
"I've kissed 3 out of 5 cats in my house to celebrate National Kissing Day, but not on the lips. Cat lips are very thin."
"I need a camera phone filter to un-retro other people's photos so I can see if they have really boring, unglamorous lives like I suspect."
"Nice try, Google+, but nobody is going to leave Friendster for a new social networking site."
"Who's a nice lady? The one who took time out of her phone conversation while driving to tell me to ride my bike better."
"People should really consult me before they attempt to use large words without knowing their exact meanings. I hesitate to boast, but I'm sort of an expert in such matters."
A: "French toast on the Fourth?! You America-hating, long-haired hippie! Go back to France!"
B:"That was Freedom Toast. Smothered in Liberty Syrup and topped with Red, White & Butter."
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