"After 2 weeks with my mom and dad, I return home to discover that prankster elves had replaced all of my pants with identical pants that were one size smaller! How very dare they!"
"He's one strong drink and a broken heart away from being gay."
"Jersey Shore is the stupidest, ignorant show I've ever seen!"
"If you talk about hyperbole using hyperbole something bad might happen. Like all the cats on earth dropping dead at the same time."
"A little love-induced bulimia never hurt anyone."
"He's going straight up the chocolate chute, I just know it."
"I got a check from my grandma that bounced."
"I have a headache, I forgot to pick up my dry cleaning and I ate beef about 15 years ago. The only logical conclusion is that I have mad cow disease."
"Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to Taco Bell."
"You have to eat a lot of cupcakes before you find your diamond ring."
"If I were to create a band today, it would be called Those Eggs Were a Lie."
"I'll turtle slap the shit out of you, bro."
A: "Let's make it the ninth [production]. Don't want to hit a leadoff homerun, but I do want to use tired sports metaphors."
B: "Good thinking. That's a triple gainer of an idea."
A: "Who was so smart to leave me home alone with three candy bars?"
B: "Augustus, sweetheart! Save some room for later!"
4-year-old to mom: "I want to stand on you!"
Mom:"You can't stand on me."
Kid: "But I LIKE BANANAS!"
Screen shot of the week: