"If your apartment is hit by a dolphin, DO NOT GO OUT TO SEE IF THE DOLPHIN IS OKAY. That's how the hurricane tricks you into coming outside."
"Baseball players sleep standing up, just like horses."
"Unfollowing people that don't follow me, @dollgina I'm looking at you."
Parent of a librarian: "You don't seem like a normal librarian."
"Go in for therapy, come out entertained. At least she didn't cry. Or molest you. That would probably make her the worst therapist ever."
"Everyone thinks I'm a doormat, but I want to kill people as much as the next person."
"This is the last pedicab of the Grizzlies season...hoping to go out with muscle craps."
"I mentioned that the audio in my car was going out, and in turn, I was nearly convinced by 5 dudes that the reason may be because I'm low on blinker fluid."
"Riding the el is like crab fishing!"
"Princess is excited for her home visit. I know this because she keeps farting."
"I think you're a terrific girl but you have clothes like a fucking dickhead."
"DAMN, HEADACHES. WHY WON'T YOU LET ME BE GREAT?"
Exchanges:
A: "No one should buy one of those foam hands. What a waste of money!"
B: "What if you are a diehard fan?"
A: "Then you get autographed baseballs and you sleep with the players, like normal people do!"
A: "What's with the gang of skags at Stones tonight?"
B: "Skags? What is this word...skags?"
A: "Skanky hags = skags."
B: "Ah, like real hags? Like swamp witches? Skanky swamp witches? SOUNDS HOT!!"