"Type in 'cute puppies' in Google. Times number of results by three, and you will get how many times [my son] just said, 'A dog?'"
"They can hold an event in her hair. Cos it's so gritty."
"Guns and animals go together like bacon and AIDS."
"Six hour roundtrip drive for one hour lunch with 90-year-old grandma who's suffering from dementia. Can't think of a better way to spend the day."
"If you have moody sad acoustic guitar playing on one side of the house and an old sci-fi movie playing on the other side of the house and then stand somewhere in the middle, you will hear something very weird and very wonderful."
"VCR broke in class. Teacher next door suggested having kids draw 'half-man/half-animal' as assignment. WTF dude. WTF. Off to get a DVD."
"My relationship with my father had been on the proverbial fritz since the time I was fifteen and called the police to report him for child molesting. He had never molested me, but I wanted to have a party that weekend and needed him out of the house."
"I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people. Furthermore, sleeping with midgets is a great way to meet midgets."
"Listen, don't start with the racial stuff, okay? I love the blacks. Dogs don't seem to like them, but I don't have a problem. Look at Oprah!"
"[She] is very attractive and funny, but men act like her vagina has some sort of potpourri shooting out of it."
A: "Why are you getting excited right now?"
B: "Cos I'm thinking about your body. Not your body with milk coming out of it. Just your body in general."
A: "Moms, please don't enter your average-at-best kid in beautiful baby contests."
B: "Nothin' a little spray tan and some clip in teeth can't fix."
A: "People who give their kids douchebag haircuts. Discuss."
B: "Punched in the face. I'm talking about the child. It's the only way the parents will learn."