"Today's Outstanding Chicago Citizen: the woman standing outside the CVS, eating animal crackers, and flipping everyone off. She actually managed to eat her crackers with all fingers except the middle one so she could constantly flip off anybody coming out the door. Cracker Flipper, I salute you too!"
"This is going to put the kibosh on Meet a White Person Day."
"In my day we would walk uphill both ways just to be someone's mom."
"You have angered the Blanco! Now you face the wrath of magic!"
"He’s gonna hang himself with an invisible rope."
"I'm current on my TB shots. So I'm immune from being Blanco'd."
"I only dress in villain drag at home."
"My two bosses don't seem bothered by the lady having a conversation via speakerphone. I won't either, after I cut off her fucking head."
"If I had a nipple for every time I used the incorrect word in an aphorism, I'd be a rich man."
"You act like you just found out you're an adult like ten minutes ago."
"I was just practicing my Spanish with this old woman in the bar from Nicaragua and at one point I couldn't figure out what she was saying to me. I thought she was describing something about something black. Turns out...she's super racist."
"If you were a Spice Girl, you’d be Literacy Spice."
"Only a librarian's phone would autocorrect Archie Bunker to Archive Bunker."
A [in earnest shock]: "Somebody turn it off!"
B: "I can't turn it off--this is actually happening!"
A: "Bud Light gives me bubble guts."
B: "It can also give you a mean case of date rape."
A: "Who can afford drugs these days?!"
B: "People who sell blow jobs."
A: "Who can afford blow jobs these days?!"
B: "Good point."
A: "They're hiring for a Director of Diversity."
B: "WTF is that?"
A: "It's to make sure they hire black people, I guess."
A: "Want Dutch Bros coffee?"
B: "No thank you. The assistant wants one."
A: "What's he like?"
A: "lmao, I meant what drink ;)"
A: "I'm looking at the [bus] map now. It looks ... complicated."
B: "If you're lucky, you'll see a chihuahua, two crazies fighting over an empty pack of smokes and old man ass."
Sleep talks of the week:
[sits up to the urk-urk-urk of a cat throwing up]: "What is it? He's throwing up? I thought it was the volume sound on the Mac." [snore]
A: "Is my skin too cold?"
B: "You have a nice ass." [snore]