"I've never actually been in a fight, but I've watched the shit out of the Bourne movies. You probably don't want to try anything."
"I've been trying to balance my aggression tweets w/ positive tweets. Well, screw that crap. If u see me on the news tonight just look away."
"She's called me before! She called after the extreme couponing story with a similar message. Something about don't use splendor (Splenda) just use sugar. It included a mention of slapping the fat off someone's @ss. I'm don't know if I'm forgetting the context or if there never was any to begin with."
"I'm gonna go brush my teeth so I'm not breathing hamburger into your hair all night."
"THERE ARE NO DANCE EMERGENCIES. THERE ARE NO DANCE EMERGENCIES."
"Gina, you just got fucked by a UNICORN marching band!!!!"
"I wish to hire Harry to write copy for my Nigerian princess Internet scams and more also."
"In order to stop what was already a very long conversation with a coworker, I told her I don't watch television because I don't have eyes."
"Just dropped my half-smoked cigarette off the balcony and 'Tears in Heaven' started playing in my head."
Exchanges:
A: "Someone very dear to me is currently Googling 'diameter of Crunch Berries' and comparing the results to 'diameter of Kix.'"
B: "You failed to mention that the original comparison was between Crunch Berries and anal beads."
A: "I am frazzled. My kid is doing a project on dinosaurs and the cashier/barista/information person at the local chain bookstore gave me a patronizing look when I asked to see books on dinosaurs that haven't been discovered yet."
B: "A librarian will help you find what you're really after, without patronizing you, if you GO THE FUCK TO THE LIBRARY."
Voicemail Rant & Remix of the Week:
"People need to shut up and have hobbies."