"Anytime someone says they can't sleep, I assume it's because the clowns will eat them."
"My husband is cheating on me with fruit. An Apple and a Blackberry."
"Dammit, man! In a decade my vagina will be dried up and you'll be like 'I wanna younger woman' and I'll be like 'I wanna older man' and then what?"
"Time to check the bookdrop. If I'm not back in 5 minutes that means I got laid."
"I've never been day drunk on a Thursday."
"I'm going to bake cookies tonight. And by bake, I mean fuck, and by cookies, I mean your dad."
"It looks like a snake bit my foot, but what really happened is I dropped a fork and tried to catch it with my bare foot. Because I forgot my feet aren't hands."
"Little Red Ugly Hood."
"Showering with him is what I imagine it is like showering with your own brother because there is no other choice: clinical and polite. I wanted to scream I AM A NAKED WOMAN STANDING BEFORE YOU! ACT LIKE IT!"
"I'd like to thank @TravisSheridan for the two tickets to Cougar Town he gave me. THANKS DUDE!!!"
"I had a 'pet' gopher when I was little that my parents didn't tell me was dead. I dragged it everywhere. Explains a lot about me."
"If a co-worker tells me I have great curves, does that mean I get to have sex with her?"
A: "Why do you always combine those two songs?"
B: "What? That's not the same song?"
A: "No! It's Whitney Houston and the theme song from Cheers!"
A: "What is that, a weather app?"
B: "No, it's fantasy football."
A: "Oh. Sort of the same thing, then. It's all fake!"
A: "Malcolm X was hot."
B: "No he wasn't. Denzel Washington looked terrible in that film."
A: "Why is it hard for you to admit you have allergies?"
B: "Well, I'm in denial."
A: "Yes, you fully embrace denial but refuse to take an Allegra."