"Instead of an organ donor, I'm going to sign up to be an orgasm donor."
"I can dance. An average dancer. I just prefer not to. Unless by dance you mean bone. Then I like to dance. An average dancer at that."
"This new Facebook is a real timesucker. Lots of shit flopping around."
"[My son] learned a couple of new words, humping and faggot. Not real happy about it."
"If you ran a care center for malnourished baby birds, I think a funny name for it would be, 'NO FAT CHICKS.'"
"I've got a great idea for a movie about a black robot police officer. I'm calling it Negrobocop."
"She's the cold, distant mother I never had. I love her."
"Jesus promised the end of all wicked people. Thor promised the end of all ice giants. I don't see many ice giants around."
"What happened to Tom Jones? He looks like a black man. You know how Michael Jackson turned into a white man? Tom Jones is turning into a black man. Do all Welsh people have afros like that?"
A: "Time for the Topless Tapas bar?"
B:"Topplas. Toplass. Perky Paella."
A: "Why do you have so many guns?"
B: "This is America, isn't it?"
B: "Then I don't have to answer any stupid questions while I'm standing on my own property."
A: "Where should we get married? What's your favorite place?"
B: "In your arms."
A: "Aww, that's very sweet, but unhelpful. What's your second favorite place?"
B: "Between your legs."
A: "Dammit! Your third?"
B: "In your ass, and if you had a removable glass eye, you'd know where my fourth favorite place would be."