"You don't pull on Superman's cape, don't spit in to the wind, you don't pill the mask off the Lone Ranger, and you don't ask me to make a bed."
"Two hours in and my mom has sprayed booze from the cocktail shaker in her face and I'm a jerk for not hosing her down. Classic!"
"Does anyone know how to play the flute and want to help [my kid]? She has a winter performance but she doesn't know the notes and can't make the flute play."
"i haven't drank water since the day after Halloween."
"Thanks to the MoSistas out there too! Makin sure the handlebars match the wheels!"
"If you're heart broken,single or in love...follow me....my tweets will do nothing to make you feel any different nor inspire you..."
"How is it that twitter knows when you're drunk and shuts down spell check as some kind of twisted tough love."
"Alpacas are like broccoli from outer space."
"People ask what JFK would've achieved if he hadn't died. I'm guessing he'd've found it hard to do very much with a massive flap in his head."
A: "Do you believe in yourself?"
B: "No, I don't believe in God."
A: "man i hop over my neighbors fence today and got bit by a rockwilder. im gonna feed it poisonus dog treats!"
B: "Where are you going to acquire poisonous dog treats?"
A: "dats da problem. my hook up is out of them. do U know anyone who can get some?"
B: "No Bennett."
A: "im gonna throw it a frisby dipped in poison then."