Every other week for a spell, Quotes of the Week will be curated by a special guest. This week, quotations were collected by my friend and sissy-in-law Elizabeth, who has a better sense of humor than your sister-in-law! Show her some love!
"That's what they get for dicking around in duty free."
"I have an open relationship...with vodka."
Kid [after he was told to stop touching the DVD player, after it fell to the floor]: "I didn't do ANYTHING, I was just looking at it with my eyes...my eyes must have secret powers or something."
"A little girl getting bit by a pony? That's crazy! That's like getting raped by Santa Claus."
"I'm so hungry I could eat a whole zebra."
"If I get sick because of you coughing on me I will sneak into your house on Christmas Eve and sneeze in your eyes."
"My son's doctor told me he won't remember anything that happens when he's 7 months old. Guess who's not getting presents this year?"
"My mom told me she didn't do as good a job with me and that I was like the guinea pig for the other three. How's your day going?"
"Taking bets on what drops first, New Year's Eve ball or Justin Bieber's testicles."
Teacher: "This year, we learned how to act without words...Does anyone remember what's that called?"
First grade class [in unison]: "No..."
Teacher: "It starts with 'Pa'....'pa' 'pa' 'pa'..."
A: "I have a headache. I took 4 Advil."
B: "Take 40 Advil and it will be your last headache."
Teacher: "Who can name something that you don't like to smell?"
First grader: "Dog shit."
Teacher: "Maritza we can't say that, it's not nice."
First grader: "Cat shit."
A: "What does Bono mean in the song 'Do they know it's Christmas' when he says 'Well tonight thank God it's them instead of you?'"
B: "As much as I do love my over-coiffed 80's alterna singers and this song, I think it reels of 'Phew! Dodged a bullet on THAT one! Could have been an Ethiopian.'"