"I don't mind being judged for my substance abuse or sexual addiction. It's better than judging people."
"Hey white people, quit giving us a bad name by doing things like wanting a room just for crafts on House Hunters. Fuck off."
"The reason I gave up drugs was to avoid lying awake at night wondering if mermaids have vaginas or why baseball is counterclockwise."
"I just farted in the sound of a question."
"I just texted a friend birthday wishes. The iPhone changed 'hugs' to 'jugs.' It kinda changes the meaning in a creepy way."
"Girls named Andrea that call themselves 'Ahn-dray-uh' will never let you stick it in their butt."
"By all means, continue clipping your toenails in my sink. I was going to torch the place anyway."
"Hey random creepy guy in this lesbian porn jacking off in the corner---GO AWAY, you're freaking me out."
"TOUCHING [in a men's restroom] is NOT allowed. No matter what. I don't care if the person is fainting. No touching (unless you have to push them away from falling on you)."
"If a badass is getting ready for the prom, is he big primpin', or should I stop trying to write jokes?"
"I used to hope that van in the driveway was bringing flowers, or a huge check. Now I pray it isn't the film crew from Hoarders."
"I think you should treat others as you'd like to be treated, which is why I always offer to have sex with people."
A: "I learned that most men do not use the little flap in their underwear. Discuss."
B: "Leslie, that is called going over the fence."
A: "Is it really pronounced "cack" gazing? I like it!"
B: "Well I'm trying not to offend.....that would be the Boston dialect."
A: "Dammit. Well, I'm calling them cacks from now on. Cacks and sacks."
Stay tuned! Tomorrow I shall post Quotes of the Year. If you made that list, I probably wish to have your baby. Or I just think you're really funny.