"'Sort of' is such a harmless thing to say...sort of. It's just a filler. Sort of...it doesn't really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like...after 'I love you'...or 'You're going to live'...or 'It's a boy!'"
"Oh, it's Call of Duty: Black Ops, not Call of Duty: Black Cops. That opens it up to a whole new market now, doesn't it?"
"Babies come from eggs that are hatched by rabbis if you are Jewish, Catholic nuns if you are Christian, and prostitutes if you are an atheist."
"He's scared of the outside which is a disease called homophobia."
"If we spent as much time curing cancer as we spend on curing meats, we would have some very delicious cancer."
"In rare instances when twins are conceived by different fathers, it's called heteropaternal super fecundation. I call it being a slut."
"I know I will have reached a certain level of success when my underwear is so well made it doesn't even have an inside out."
"I guess my Kevorkian Groupon is now worthless."
"I've said 'hello' to [the big boss] almost every day since I've been there. Tuesday, he sees me sitting in my office and alerts my boss about the stranger."
"I just signed a kid up for the summer reading program who told me his name was 'Snot-faced Puppy.' I wrote it on his reading log and said thank you. He beamed."
"My boss just asked me if I'll have email at my new job."
"If I had a nipple for every time I used the incorrect word in an aphorism, I'd be a rich man."
"If I had a nickel for every time I stabbed you in the eye with a salad fork, I'd be getting a nickel in about 30 seconds."
"In order to stop what was already a very long conversation with a coworker, I told her I don't watch television because I don't have eyes."
A: "No one should buy one of those foam hands. What a waste of money!"
B: "What if you are a diehard fan?"
A: "Then you get autographed baseballs and you sleep with the players, like normal people do!"
A: "Do you wanna go see Harry Potter?"
B: "I'd rather watch a sex tape of my grandparents."
A: "I think it's really sweet that your grandparents still make love."