1 hour ago
"I don't want to be a puppy mill, I want a shelter kid."
"I don't know a lot of lyrics but I know how to read, that's why I like karaoke."
Grown man to little girl: "I'm not sad, I'm complicated. Chicks dig that. One day you'll understand."
"This duo has four people in it. That's not typical, right?"
Boy: "Mommy, I'm gonna be doing lots of dramatic stuff and you're just gonna have to get over it."
"Helping prepare bait for today's reptile program. Now I just need a kid who's fat enough and whose mother isn't looking..."
"Going through the OPAC and reviewing everything that hasn't been reviewed yet. Making it up if I haven't read it yet."
"When will I get my last 'can you Google X?' question? Will it go unnoticed like the last passenger pigeon?"
"Girl, you need to pull the car over before you read off your barcode. There are plenty of erotic books, it's not that important."
"Playing (they aren't) dolls with my son. I get to be the Discarded Tom Hanks one and he gets to be the Delusional Time Allen one."
"I coulda been raped. Hide your kids, hide your wife, and hide your cross-dressing dolls, coz they're rapin everyone up in here."
A: "YAY! Are you sure?"
B: "I haven't said yes yet!"
A: "I mean are you sure you're considering it?"
A: "I wish I was Oprah's half-sister."
B: "I wish you were Oprah's half-sister too."
A: "My cousin got free music downloads. Type in 'free music downloads' but don't put 'legal.'"
B: "Should I put 'illegal?'"
A: "No, just type 'free music downloads.'"
Facebook Status: "The DOW is at its highest point since crisis and employment has steadily improved. Will you idiots stop calling it a 'Failed Stimulus' now?"
Comment: "I fail to see how this is even remotely related to my birthday."
"Oh, it's Call of Duty: Black Ops, not Call of Duty: Black Cops. That opens it up to a whole new market now, doesn't it?"
"Crazy stuff, I pull up to work and some random guy jumps into my car thinking I was his ride. Till he looked at me and quietly got out."
"We're using Comic Sans on your gravestone!"
"If 'virginal' means 'presenting like a mandrill,' then agreed."
"He always wears shorts that are too tight and a decade too short."
"Get the fuck off my Facebook wall...Make me get out my laptop to block a bitch. I'm just trying to catch up on my Twilight movies!"
"Nothing says 'I'm thrifty' like getting an anal bleaching!"
"The hottie-ratio is through the ceiling up in this place! I'm going to spontaneously combust a move."
"I think you should open a Christian book store and call it Purgatory and make sure all the lines are really long and confusing. Slouch could run the register."
"What does Mexican food have to do with a black holiday?"
"My four-year-old child just sat me down, held my hands in his, and told me we have to be extra careful since things are about to change and the world is about to get seriously weird because God is now dead."
"Eff you, oriental cookies of hatred."
"If I were a Christian, I'd forgive you for your idiotic, cruel, uninformed, disgusting, malicious, black hearted comments. Luckily, I'm not a Christian, so I'll say this: FUCK OFF."
"I logged in to one of those computer terminals and I Googled the Internet."
"Winning Quotes of the Week is like winning a foot race in the Special Olympics. Sure you may have won, but in the end you're still retarded."
A: "This isn't a mustache, it's a time machine."
B: "It's a time machine to the back of Burt Reynolds's Camaro."
A: "Get out of my face! You bring negative energy to the dog park and now all the dogs will have negative energy?"
B: "What, BITCH?!"
A: "If a vegetable could be your boyfriend, Kale would be mine. But no doubt, Avocado would be my fruity girlfriend on the side."
B: "I'd like my veggies of choice to be brussies and eggplant."
C: "Eggplants look like Grimace."
D: "Eggplant has some junk in the trunk!"
E: "Yes! Eggplant definitely has a little something going on on the backside. She's got it goin' on!"
F: "If I'd have known it was gonna be this kinda party I would have stuck my dick in a mashed tuber."
"I love when you do both sides of the conversation. It's like white noise. It's very peaceful, fuckhead."
"Is there a light somewhere that goes on when I have food?"
"I apologize in advance for any drunk tests I may send. "
"If I had to guess, I'd say that I'm made of equal parts hummus and coffee infused with anima. Like a hummus/coffee golem...I'm a good golem created to protect the barrio!"
"I know two people with @aol.com email addresses, and my parents definitely do the 'okay, the address is w-w-w-dot' thing."
"There's a lot more straight, male hair-stylists than I thought. Which was none."
"You know, I've done a lot of stupid shot in my life that could have been avoided if I would have just eaten Cheeto's."
"Astrologers have added a 13th sign--and in the shift, I've become a Taurus when I was a Gemini. I've gone from being twice the man to a load of bull."
"Excuse my flesh-eating ignorance but what is a vegan apple?"
A: "The whole world can't wait for your pj jeans. Where them on the bus, okay???"
B: "I will where them wearever I want to."
A: "I can be both punctual and righteous."
B: "That should be our store motto. Punctual and righteous."
A: "Haunting epiphany #103: Marge Simpson is 34 years old in season one...and later this year I'll be 33."
B: "Christ saved the world at 33. What have you done, Jew-boy?"
Best Dreamail of 2010:
"So I just woke up from a dream in which I was reading your Facebook post...yes Gina, now I'm dreaming about it. Anyway, your post was 'Well my little walnut brownies, what will I do with this great big coat you gave me when I'm not cold anymore? Give it to the little children?' And in the dream I sat there with my mouse poised to 'Like' it but I couldn't decide because it seemed like maybe it wasn't a feel-good post and maybe I wasn't supposed to like it and I didn't want to be insensitive by making the wrong choice."
"Stuck on the slow bus. I swear a midget on a skateboard just passed us."
"Is there a better way to reach you than the email address I don't have for you?"
"I love how your Facebook friends are displayed in order of who the fuck knows."
"You wouldn't know Prada if one stepped on your scrotum."
"iwham, isn't that an all drag review of George Michael songs as an app for your phone? No? It should be."
"Would you be interested in reviewing Good Vibrations' newest male sex toy the 'Man Eater from Outer Space?'"
"He mentioned you because he still thinks of you as the fucking Golden Child. The idea has merit so I don't disagree but it does entertain me that the mere mention of GinaMotherfuckingBecker makes people drop to their knees around here."
"'Sort of' is such a harmless thing to say... sort of. It's just a filler. Sort of... it doesn't really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like... after 'I love you'... or 'You're going to live'... or 'It's a boy!'"
"You will never catch me shaving it off, heavens, underneath I look like a fat Dutch schoolgirl (no insult intended to the overweight, Dutch, or women of course)."
"A babysitter is usually a teen who eats all your chips."
A [in a public restroom]: "Hey--do you know what a hemorrhoid is?"
A: "GOOGLE IT. And wash yer damn hands. It's the least you can do after all that grunting."
A: "Any word on when Walmart is going to award $1mil to some cheating Mormons?"
B: "Noon our time...not sure how they're going to announce though."
A: "Probably dead birds will fall on the winning city."
B: "Haha. With knives and forks and a sign that says, 'chow down y'all.'"
C: "There's a dead pigeon on the front steps of our building... That could be an omen."
A: "If I win my lawsuit against Wal-mart (regarding tendinitis of the thumb) I'm donating the million to hunger in Fresno."
B: "I didn't know you worked for Walmart?! I hope you win!!"
A: "I worked for their stupid hunger campaign pushing the like button!"