8 hours ago
"If we spent as much time curing cancer as we spend on curing meats, we would have some very delicious cancer."
"Gary Busey looks like a sad foot with chiclet teeth."
"No no no....I said I wanted Dick in a Box!!"
"I want to join the Army, but I don't want to get shot. Maybe I should join the Salvation Army."
"Don't slap me in the face with a glove, unless you have a loaded gun. You fucking asshole!"
"Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian."
"Supporting @dollgina's library while simultaneously hiding from her due to a case of the fuglies."
"Actually, *I'm* saving you a seat, so if you're looking to dole out thanks or sexual favors, aim them this way."
"If you had to dress up Jessica Alba over and over again, just to give her away to every Tom, Dick, and Mary that comes along, you'd be surly, too."
"The Internet provides access to a lot of masturbation material, but can't deliver a really satisfying climax. Libraries and Librarians are better than the Internet."
A: "Meet Baby the skateboarding bulldog."
B: "I read that as 'Meat Baby' and thought: WTF?"
A: "I want to make love pecha kucha style. 20 seconds per body part."
B: "That's not a very long lovemaking session."
A: "Good point."
A: "I thought of a joke today. A gay man and a priest are standing next to each other in Starbucks."
A: "Well, I don't have a punch line, but that did happen to me today."
A: "Decided to try using 'beau' instead of 'boyfriend' from now on."
B: "Love it. But I will not call you 'heau.'"
A: "This student needs to drop out of my class. Scored 31 on the test & has that blank look in her eyes."
B: "Like Juliette Lewis?"
A: "I just want you all to know that I am a Power Point genius!"
B: "That's kind of like braggin that you haven't had a herpes outbreak in a month."
Letter of the Week:
Dear Apartment Manager,
I am so sorry about the noise level of my nighttime "screaming." I have an order in for a gag-ball and that should help. But I think there's been some mistake--I don't have a boyfriend! It's boyfriends, plural. And I almost always make them leave in the middle of the night. Don't worry--whomever is over uses the guest parking pass. Say, could I get a couple more guest parking passes in case I'd like to spice things up one night? I don't want to break the rules.
Thank you so much, and again, my apologies.
[yes, it was dropped off at the office]
"That guy is a party-unicorn."
"I thought that was blood spatter on your sheets for a moment--wanted to draw a chalk outline around Slouch and arrest Stubbs as a feline of interest. Heck, I want to do that anyway."
"Damn girl, you are like a youth pastor. Teaching kids about service and watching them learn how to make out."
"It must have been those dirty mustachioed hipsters we were hanging out with the other night. Get better!"
"Somehow adding unicorns and narwhals to the mix with huge vaginas doesn't make me feel any better."
"Remember that it's not just about looks...to truly be a person of Walmart, you gotta be a complete douchebag in the parking lot as well..."
"My neighbor skipped out . . . yay for changing without having to close my curtains! (Although i still did it sometimes anyway. Who doesn't enjoy a show?)"
"Did you guys even sleep? Or were you staying up all night pranking my life!?"
"Getting some good feedback on the 'ass' joke that I put on my department's internal blog."
A: "Wait--do you really have a problem?"
B: "No, I just have a lot of underwear."
A: "I think I'll go to CVS."
B: "Don't! There's probably ghetto crabs there....I meant crack whores but I couldn't think of the word. I bet crack whores have ghetto crabs!"
Landlord Complaint Letter of the Week:
"You know, I'd get a tattoo with your name on it. Only, I want you to have the freedom to change your name if you want to."
"Theyre kind of an Asian couple."
"I used to drive home after getting drunk, but some mothers got mad-duh-duh."
3-year-old girl: "Mama, are you happy and glad? I'm happy and glad. Does that make you happy and glad? I'm happy and glad on Mondays and Tuesdays and Halloweens and Fridays..."
"Everytime I ride (or drive) in a Mini I have the sudden urge to listen to Hebrew hip hop."
"Ahhh…the wind feels good through my plastic hair."
Library question of the week: "Where are your books that are, like, interesting?"
"@JohnnySlouch is like that weird guy you keep in your circle but fear him at the same time."
"Don't tell anyone but I'm gonna ask Charlie Sheen to go steady with me."
"Today sucked. I blame it on this stupid goatee I have now."
Kid, on wedding invitations: "It's really nice that they put toilet paper in the envelope so you can open it up in the bathroom and you're all set to wipe. They should do that with credit card bills. And birthday cards."
A: "You're kidding, right?"
B: "If I were kidding I'd be dressed like you."
A: "Are they actually calling it a marathong?"
B: "LOL I was wondering if someone would catch that. Gina is starting to rub off on me."
A: "I lub it when Gina rubs off on me. I might also lub it if she rubs on me."
B: "Wetness on my lips and a girls head buried in my ass...I'm motivated."
A: "You made me pee."
B: "Is that a good thing?"
A: "Not if your lips are wet!"
[thanks to Kendra for the motivational poster!]
"I have to put something about unicorns in my status or Gina will unfriend me. But who will be there to make me feel bad about my love of bacon, NPR, television and those KISS solo records?"
"I'm never going to become an X-Man with that lame mutation. :("
"I called a coworker's unborn baby an alien. Then I told another coworker that her newborn has a 'big ole head.' Maybe it's Kick A Baby Day?"
"Miss, I think I am going to need more time on this computer. I'm hungover, my hands are shaking and I can't type right!"
"That's right Frat boys...for every one of you beer-swilling chumps who yells 'run Forrest, run' when I'm out running shirtless, three carloads of co-ed girls whistle and catcall. I'll be winning EPCs with your wife while you are working at Daddy's insurance agency."
"I included 'world domination' on a resume for the first time in my career."
"Damn that Kaoru! Remember when she told me I looked pregnant and that other time she called your ass magnificent?"
"You can't dominate every social network. Relax. You are Johnny Slouch's official photographer. Isn't that something?"
"Only Stubby can catch fish with baited breath."
"I should've dressed like Nana! What am I *doing*?!!!"
"I don't need sobriety to have fun."
"Don't teabag my cat!"
"I ate some of your Tums, but not cos I needed to, I just wanted some candy."
"I don't sleep with everyone who's better than Hitler!"
"Oh. Yes, I know who they are. You need to publish trading cards of library characters & exchange with librarians at other cities. Call it Tragic: the Gathering?"
"They should start a church...he can be a muppetpastor."
A: "I heard about the Jane Austen Club debacle. <--probably my nerdiest tweet ever"
B: "Who knew there was so much drama within the Jane Austen Club?"
C: "What was the Jane Austen debacle?"
A: "I guess the group imploded due to women being in it."
Tweet of the Week:
"A Child Called @" #DavidPelzerDiscoversTwitter"