Friday, April 29, 2011


"As a special treat, I’m going to see if I can find any of these things 'lurking' in the dumpsters at home."

"Stuffed in a bag in the trunk of a compact car reminds me of the night I lost my virginity."

"I realized the folly in giving E a Jesus action figure when she stripped off his robe and declared, 'Look! Jesus has panties!'"

"At lunch today, I compared Fresno Mag to a high school girl with 'loose morals.' It just seemed to roll off the tongue."

"Mmm. Hard boiled chicken menstruation. Did you ever notice how everything in the dairy aisle originates from a boob or a vagina?"

"He's a unicorn but on the ass-end. It's glowing because it's magical."

"Sometimes it's a bit of a challenge to come up with an all new set of major library updates to brief everyone on during these bi-quarterly faculty meetings. I think I might just sneak in an announcement that, starting Monday, anyone checking out books on poster art will also receive their own weight in rabid penguins."

"You've spoiled me. If we ever break up, I'm dating a black man next."

"The penis cake didn't have a smile? That's not right!"

"It looks like he just dominated that Bunny. Proudly dominated."

"'Time to fine'?! That was the name of my dance crew in high school."

"He was just talking about swamps and frijoles to a group of 17-year-old boys. Sounds like Mad Libs, but it's the truth."

"Earth shoes are very comfortable and come in bags that can hold sex toys."

"How come you make the rules and then you are the only one to break them?"

"Every pocket my mother has ever owned is full of Kleenex. Used."

"But why, I think, why would you keep soda in your car for over a year, and why, I think, would you then bring it upstairs and store it next to your kitchen and then I think: exploded? But I didn't say those things. Instead I went back to the bathroom and slurped more water from my cupped hands."

"I don't understand why I always see your friend 'Lizz Jensen' and in my mind it read 'Jizz Lensen.' WTF? Am I a pervert?"

Exchanges:

A: "I wonder if I could make Quotes three weeks in a row."
B: "I've made Quotes three times in a row, but I'm sleeping with her!"
C: "That's four! That four!!"

A: "I knew a girl in high school that opened her API and let anyone put stuff in her."
B: "That's the girl I compare Fresno Mag to!"

A: "You outta town for work? I forget what you do. When we met I thought you were a homeless man."
B: "I work for a ticketing company that sells reserved seats to soup kitchens."

A: "Are you deliberately tailgating that cop?"
B: "No, not really, but he's going really slow so I'm trying to hide him from the cars behind so they'll fly past and he'll pull them over. Then we can go faster!"

A: "Having to go run some errands reminds me of that time a guy texted me that he had to 'run some aarons.' I deleted the big dummy immediately."
B: "I imagine him training a fleet of greyhounds. All named Aaron."

A: "Gator tastes like chicken."
B: "When was the last time you plucked feathers out of an alligator's asshole?"

A: "It's as easy to make a true friend as it is to wipe your ass with a rose."
B: "I hear Chuck Norris wipes his ass with 40 grit sandpaper. Not sure he makes any friends doing that, but I guess it's worth the effort."

Sleep Talk of the Week:

"What? Legos? What? Shit, you didn't say anything. I thought we were having a conversation about making furniture out of Legos, but you didn't say anything. [snore]"

Facebook Commenter of the Week:


Photo of the Week:

Friday, April 22, 2011


"If you want to avoid a place where libraries and parks are hated, I guess I should confess that Mississippi may not necessarily be the Paradise that I described earlier."

"Blanco has an AOL address! Not only is he the Jordache jeans of children's entertainments, but he's using the Jordache jeans of email accounts! What a sop."

"In rare instances when twins are conceived by different fathers, it's called heteropaternal super fecundation. I call it being a slut."

"I'd rather be trashy than dead!"

"I can't be Blanco'd by Blanco! That's like a vortex!"

"I was googling sociopaths and thought of you."

"Yes, it is true that librarians never retire, but that just means we won't have to when we are past our prime and still want sedentary jobs to kill time between weekends. Get your shades, Gina, cuz the future is looking bright!"

"I'm becoming progressive. I played TRADERS instead of RETARDS in Scrabble, deliberately."

"I just screamed so loud I didn't know it was even possible. Fuck you parallel parking!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"My kid just ass dialed me from the Coachella."

"I just helped someone get the date format right on her form for Walmart employment. For previous job she listed it as 'sales ass.' I feel that, no, selling her ass is only slightly worse than working at Walmart--you agree?"

Handwritten sign (in a child's scrawl) on a door: "Employees and children only."

Exchanges:

A: "You've heard the term robbing the cradle, right? That dude is robbing the grave."
B: "It's like a guh-GILF or even a guh-guh-GILF!"
A: "It's like Old Testament GILF."

A: "I'm so impressed by you right now."
B: "I'm just a simple man wearing gray socks pulled way up."

A: "What's up with the unicorns? What are you, 12?"
B: "It's better than liking bombs and barbecue pizza and SUV payments like grown ass republicans like you! Punk!"

Facebook Message of the Week:

"First of all, I need to let you know that last week we discovered that the boy has an extra baby tooth. Yes, you read that correctly. He was laughing and his mom spotted what she believed to be an extra tooth in his mouth, which was confirmed by a pediatric dentist. Thus, I have concluded that he is likely a unicorn.

Secondly, in the process of sending you this message I saw that you have been caught up in layoffs. That is terrible! We just posted a position here at the university for a social science reference librarian. I think that you should apply for several reasons:

1) our library, although technically an academic library, shares much in common with a public library. For example, we have a guy who is writing a book that will never be published about the history of the Bible (yes, the whole Bible). Also, we used to have a guy who would bark and accuse people of being racist, seemingly at random.
2) I could threaten to quit if they didn't hire you (although that could easily backfire. I need to think that one out a little more)."

Friday, April 15, 2011


"There's nothing bad about being vegan as long as you have lots of bacon around."

"PS: Tony Blanco is now a fan of FCPL on Facebook. Guess the library just got Blanco'd...again!"

"Let's all live together. We can use the Brig's wifi to look for jobs and combine our beerstamps for pitchers."

"Can you imagine if men sat around making and eating and ripping apart hairy vagina cookies?"

"When old people annoy me (which is often), I just picture a tiny hourglass above their heads, and the sand's almost run out..."

"I start a lot of rumors on Facebook. It's the only way anyone ever talks about me."

"If we aren't Twitter friends after today, don't take it personal okay? Just know I couldn't take it anymore."

"Is it wrong to go up to a urinal, old guy to my left trying to squeeze
drops out, unleash a flood of fury, finish before him & think: WINNING."

"<stereotype>Gay couple in a fabric store on a Saturday night.</stereotype>"

"Hello world. It's Monday. As my 4-year-old son would say, 'Fucking Dammit!'"

"I hate it when someone reads my text in the same sarcastic way I typed it."

"Someone sent me the following tweet: 'please delete me from receiving your tweets.'"

"'Applebee's serves alcoholic drink to toddler!' Headline of the day! Yessssssss."

"My freshman year, [we] used to sit in the back row composing letters to Weekly World News. I vividly remember compiling a list of questions for the 4-legged woman which included, 'Can you ride a horse? If so, how?'"

Exchanges:

A: "[I've] been sweating an insane amount. Might be my lame X-Men mutant power."
B: "Yeah, I wouldn't know about that. Girls don't sweat."
A: "Ahhh, that's right. Girls eliminate excess water by crying."

A: "Day three of The Great Coffee Intake Reduction...and I've got that damn fluttery heart thing going."
B: "Maybe it's just love, and coffee/caffeine was masking it! Yes!"
A: "That's a nice sentiment, Gina. We'll go with that!"

A: "I won't hijack [her] post."
B: "Please hijack. We do it all the time. It all comes back to unicorns in the end."

A: "Can you imagine someone without teeth giving you oral?"
B: "Acccck! Like a vagina eating a vagina."

A: "I had to jump the fence the other day to get out of the apartments cos the gate was closed."
B: "You can't do that! You're black!"
A: "But I was trying to get OUT, not IN, jeez!"
B: "Doesn't matter. You know I have that racist neighbor, she'd call the cops if she saw a black man jumping the fence. Wait a minute...you jumped a fence? That must've been something to see!"
A: "I was waiting for that realization."

A: "Did you clean up the pee?"
B: "I think it's gone."
A: "What do you mean?"
B: "Well, it's dry."
A: "That doesn't mean it's gone!"

A: "Interview for a non-library cubicle job today. If you were ever planning to murder me, before 2pm today would be good for me. Call me!"
B: "Go team? Er...umm. I'm not sure what my supportive tweeting role is here. I'll roll with...DO WHAT YOU DO, BABY BOO!! Hrm. Dunno."

Twitpic of the Week:
http://twitpic.com/4kvhw3

Friday, April 8, 2011


"What the hell is a mini pinpoo?"

"What? Sugar is sh*t?"

"I've been reminded about the time I made my little brother dress up like a girl and walk around the block for a chocolate pudding cup."

Mom: "That cat has white pubic hair. Are we having sushi for lunch? I love Animal Planet."

10-year-old protesting the lack of dessert: "If you were chocolate you'd be gone by now."

"Weird! In italics even. How do you make the email more awkward? That's how."

"He looks like an egg with a face! And cancer!"

"We were reminiscing the 'bad old days' in T'town."

"What the hades are you talking about, Raquel? Are you worried P___ and I will challenge you with our indisputable evidence that Obama was born in Kenya?"

"I just had three psychiatric evaluations and I passed with flying colors."

"Sometimes I like to think that the reason killer whales eat penguins is because of some long-standing dispute over which species Mother Nature gave the more convincing tuxedo."

"We have a fresh new crop of Mormons here!"

"You broke my pants and my heart!"

"I thought someone stole my vacuum. I was excited. And then I found it. Friggin' vacuum."

Man named Leslie: "Well, it looks like I placed after all . . . in the women's category. I'm okay with the confusion over my name. I still have the governor's letter that starts of 'Ms.'"

Exchanges:

Daughter 1: "My appetite is horrible today."
Dad: "That's good. That means you're getting skinny!"
Daughter 1: "What the hell? What does that even mean?!"
Dad: "Well, your appetite is gone, that means you're not eating."
Daughter 1: "--"
Daughter 2: "Hey Dad, I threw up my lunch this afternoon!"

A: "Cancer costs a lot."
B: "You have cancer?!"
A: "Just a little."
B: "WTF? You don't tell your own daughter?"

A: "My ex was the one who used to crack my back."
B: "My ex was the one who cooked."
A: "Now my back hurts."
B: "I'm hongry."

A: "I got a hearing test and then I signed up ---"
B: "For scuba diving?" C: "For hearing lessons?"
A: "--for a really nice hearing aid, but it costs a lot so I haven't gotten it yet."

Status: "Dear Couch, Please stop eating my pens. Or at least regurgitate..."
Comment: "Dude, I totally read that as 'penis.'"

Friday, April 1, 2011


"What are you staring at? Are you decorating stuff in your mind?"

"Did you breast feed or ass feed? Your mom is pretty hot."

"I just got Blanco'd by a coworker!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"DRUNK HULK DODGER FAN PISSED AT FRESNO COUNTY. DRUNK HULK DODGER FAN FIGHT YOU FOR FIRE @DOLLGINA."

"When I read pink I think, 'four in the gray and one in the clay.'"

"This place is fat beardy guy heaven, which is good for me because I'm a female cub. It's good to learn things about yourself."

"Stubby is sitting on god's head in cat heaven."

"People who live in whore houses shouldn't throw stones!"

"Are you cougar bunting without me!!!"

"Remember the good old days before the economy collapsed and all we had to worry about was someone tricking us with the 2 Girls 1 Cup video? *sigh*"

Exchanges:

A: "Where you from?"
B: "Mississhrimpi."
A: "How do you spell that?"
B: "M-I-crooked letter-crooked letter-I-crooked letter-crooked letter-I-shrimpback-shrimpback-I."

A: "I don't know why I don't read more graphic novels. There are fewer words on each page."
B: "And a better chance for boobies."

A: "I'd say we can hang out now, but we're both unemployed and broke."
B: "Two words: reality show."
A: "I don't know how interesting it is to watch unemployed people sit around wishing they had money for a drink."
C: "Three examples: Jersey Shore, Real World and 16 and Pregnant."
A: "Hmm. Okay. I don't know how interesting it is to watch *literate* unemployed people sit around."
C: "I got nothing now."

Meat Tweets of the Week:

A: "How many women are competing in the tri-tip contest?"
B: "Doesn't matter. Just like in history, women'll be put in their place."
A: "What the hell! I thought you were a feminist!"
B: "I am! But not when it comes to my meat."

A: "Sadly, I won't be there for meatoff beatoff. The stench of bbq is too much for my fragile veg constitution."
B: "MEAT BEATOFF sounds like a rockin name for a girl band. Or roller derby."

A: "Several people are going to try to beat my man's meat this Saturday. @tastefresno #tritipcompetition #thatshot"
B: "well, Goldilocks seemed to enjoy it. #mymeatisjustright"
C: "I can't wait to put it in my mouth. I just hope it's not too firm. #cookedmediumraretomedium"
D: "Do you prefer to rub it, jerk it, or just stick it in o natural? #tritipcookingtips"
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