39 minutes ago
10-year-old: "If it weren't for shit and danger, I would like an elephant, a wolf, and a pig."
"Now that I got rid of the Afghan Hound on top of my head, I have nothing to do in the shower."'
"I often find that little drunk people remind me of toddlers."
"I know I will have reached a certain level of success when my underwear is so well made it doesn't even have an inside out."
"This video is my soulmate."
"I've been pushing my son to make me a grandma since he was 17."
"This morning I made [my son] a sandwich for his lunch; I cut off the crusts; inserted it into his reusable sandwich container. Later I discovered that his 'sandwich' in fact contained nothing but bread. Yes, I made him a bread sandwich. With the crusts cut off."
"Casper was the first goth kid."
"Today, one of my charges, upon noticing the signs announcing the library would be closed May 30th for Memorial Day, asked if that was the 4th of July holiday."
Tweet: "On the subject of sex, don't women have heightened orgasms at 30? Just curious if that's right. Sorry, dad, you have to see this."
"Maybe we should start advocating the rhythm method again. I know it's dumb, but these girls be fucking up a storm! At least it'd help with their math skillz."
"[He] is playing Birds with Friends and he's using a lot of Angry Words."
"Sometimes I have these moments of precise clarity where time stops and I'm all like, 'oh, this is what my silverware drawer looks like now that I'm a grown up.'"
"@TravisSheridan your Armenian brother got the credit on the news for your Hashtag Fresno work."
"I can't believe he got a read poster. Aren't Chi Mos getting enough distribution via Megan's Law Registry?"
"Just bought two dresses! One of them is kinda business/scifi and one of them is red and only cost $5."
A: "I hope you have a nice party for my funeral. Do you know how many bottles of Maker's Mark you'd get?!"
Sleepyhead, bewildered: "Did you really want an answer or ... wait, I'm dumb, I'm dumb." [snore]
A: "Whenever I hear a baby crying, my uterus contracts."
B: "Yea. Babies are the most natural birth control choice."
A: "Totally just hit myself in the face with some tongs."
B: "I call thongs 'tongs' so this status update was especially delightful for me."
A: "I prefer excitement, even if it means dead babies. Ok, I'm kidding. Still, I think my dream job would be to work in the fancy library of a coroner's office."
B: "This is why I love you."
A: "I knew you'd understand!!"
"$10 reward for the detection of the author of an anonymous letter containing indecent scurrilities."
"I'm hemorrhaging. I hemorrhage every month. I take meth and crack. Do you think that makes me hemorrhage more?"
"Anyone throwing a Rapture party? Macho Man's death foreshadows the end. It's in the bible."
"The faces look pasted on. And the eyes float."
"I bought a cheap bottle of fruit punch that had high fructose corn syrup but declared itself gluten free, lactose free and vegan."
"I, too, am in favor of consensual consumption."
"[L]ooking forward to another day of pretending to work at the Ministry of Magic."
"My friend and I came across a gigantic one volume encyclopedia in third grade. We looked up every dirty word we knew, including s-e-x. A substitute teacher caught us and just said, 'It can be a beautiful thing.'"
"I just received news that a guy who used to bully me and beat me up in school was arrested on aggravated robbery for knocking off a CVS to feed his Fentanyl habit. This is awesome!"
"I'm so depressed, not even office supplies can cheer me up."
A: "Phone bit it. Instead of texting or calling, you should open your window and scream my name."
B: "I guess I better put a Christmas card on the next steam ship."
A: "What is the first thing you'll be going for during Saturday's post-Rapture looting?"
B: "I'll be gathering supplies to prepare for the zombie apocalypse, which according to my interpretation of the bible, is going to happen on May 22nd."
C: "Firearms, then dog owners' homes. I will prowl the city streets at night, my Buick Regal pulled by a pack of snarling, hell-bound strays, armed to the teeth for no fucking reason."
D: "I'm going to pretend the rapture did happen and see which religious types I can mess with. 'Yeah, it happened. You're still here? Hell-bound is what you are, my friend.'"
Facebook Message of the Week:
"I just wanted to say that I hope I didn't offend any of you by inviting you to a dinner scheduled to take place *after* the May 21st Rapture. I meant no judgment by it. If you don't show, it will just confirm for the rest of us what a great person you were."
"The lack of Quotes this week is starting to make life seem nasty, brutish, and short."
"If Papa Soob is for one part of the female anatomy, what's the name for the procedure on the other part? Mama Grammy?"
"Baby Oz loves @brodiemash. I'm pretty sure he thinks he's a big, brown Muppet."
"Damn wheel on my shopping cart has a flat spot and I have to change it but someone stole the cat tree I used to prop it up with."
"Your highness, stop this now."
"Still remember seeing Star Wars in my very Catholic town and hearing the assembled reply to 'May the Force be with You' with a hearty 'And also with you.' It wasn't even Sunday morning."
"We need to get you back here. Not only are you risking a disturbing fashion trend, the job is apparently forcing you into periods of regular drunkenness."
"They ran out of things for me to do at 10:30 so I read pamphlets til lunchtime."
"Her son lives in South Carolina and her husband has anus cancer and because her daughter went to Auburn University and she'd heard that I went to Alabama, she keeps taunting me with the phrase 'War Eagle' which I think is football for 'I'm a redneck.'"
"Stop, drop and roll your ass outta there."
"Windows 7. A million ideas and they used every single one of them."
Actual Power Point conclusion: "I hope you learned something from our presentation and it wasn't a complete waste of time."
"I turned my iPhone onto 'airplane mode' and threw it up into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever."
A: "Big hug to [the baby]!"
B: "He just wrapped a pool of spit up around my neck. That's sort of like a hug, right?"
A: "I have to figure out why I have arthritic shoulders."
B: "Is it something I can rub or does it feel like bone?"
A: "It feels like bone marrow, like I have leukemia in my shoulders."
Sleep Talk of the Week:
"Can I have your autograph? Can I have your autograph? I have a baseball downstairs you could sign. Rockstar librarian. [snore]"