5 hours ago
"You never have to ask my permission for ANYthing. Except maybe porn. Nope, not that either."
"Holy crap, I'm tired. I wrote 'weather' for 'whether' and 'bubble' for 'bumble' and 'Violent' for 'Violet'."
"Business casual or hipster? You can tell by their canvas shoes."
"Eeeeee! Robert Amador! You are the one who keeps marking wonderful things on the walls where I live! I love it so! Thank you! P.S. I love ponies too!!"
"Wait...camels have toes?"
"Not sure if it's appropriate for a borderline sociopath to be calling someone borderline autistic, but hey! I'm just calling it as I see it!"
"We should plan a concentration camp one of these days. Can't we all use a nice outdoorsy-weekend to really think?"
"Quarterly meeting will be held on a regular basis."
"I just scored Gina Cum Laude on her special list."
"When I met him, I realized I already knew him as that fat weirdo kid with a skinny twin from 4th grade."
"Blanco looks good for 100. I guess the blood of the innocent does keep you looking youthful."
"Thanks for confirming my existence for @dollgina."
A: "I'm a secret member of the office water club. Don't tell anyone! Especially that chick who collects dues."
B: "I bet they have security camera video of your alleged sip. That's what the dues really pay for."
A: "Who is @Fresno_Ninja?"
B: "I can't tell you that."
A: "Excuse me? I let you have sex with me."
B: "Okay, fine, I'll tell you!"
A: "In my imagination, guys don't wear skinny jeans."
B: "In my imagination, guys don't wear pants."
A: "I wanna know how the hell some of you are still going to library conferences. I thought we were all poor!"
B: "Maybe there are librarians who're independently wealthy and answer reference questions for shits and giggles?"
A: "Or maybe they show their tits and giggle."
B: "Or maybe they get sympathy money for fits and wiggles."
A: "It's times like this (when I recount a weird date with a closet Tourette syndrome guy) that I wish you were on Facebook."
B: "We friends in real life, yo. You can tell me with hand gestures!"
People Watching of the Week:
Observations about a strange looking drummer at a show:
"Waldo looks seasick."
"He asked me for $1. I said I didn't carry cash."
"He looks like he only accepts gold dubloons anyway."
"I think I made eye contact."
"Where's Waldo? On stage. Where's Waldo's house? Doesn't have one."
"I just called dental floss 'tooth floss'! WTF, am I some kind of foreigner or something??"
"If my son came home Christian, I'd stick a knife in his little whitey ass. Not in THIS house!"
"My phone just tried to turn 'cupcakes' into 'Vulcan.'"
"I think I have bulimia in my shoulders."
"I just explained to the supervisor how to write objectives for her scope of work and she turned to me, eyes wide and frightened and said, 'I absolutely cannot do that.' Twice. Can you imagine if we all went around saying things like that! What a darling!"
"When one of my cats begins making that sound, the others run to eat the puke. It's a race to see who will get there first, me with paper towels or them with their disgusting eating habits."
"Has anyone else had birds swoop down, chase them and peck their heads while running or am I just the anti Dr. Doolittle!"
"I have neatly arranged my life so I don't get up at insane hours. Love you both, however."
"Can you imagine if we/our roommates/life partners pooped in a box hidden in a weird corner of the house and we didn't clean it out for days, even if company came over?"
"Someone on OkCupid just asked me if I knew about your iworkatapubliclibrary blog."
"Stop growing! I can't afford this!"
"I'm not dad. I'm also not barefoot."
A: "If you have a question you'd like to 'Ask Conlan', please send a self-addressed stamped envelope to somebody who cares."
B: "I first read this as a 'self-addressed stumped envelope' and giggled like a giggling fat guy."
A: "Sounds good to me."
B: "I'm picturing an envelope with a look of extreme consternation staring at a dogeared sudoku book."
Mom: "Do you want a grilled cheese sandwich?"
Kid: "Um, NO."
Mom: "Why not?"
Kid: "I don't like grilled cheese."
Mom: "Why are you so racist?"
Kid: "Cheese is NOT a race, and I like black people."
A: "I love you even though you're Christian."
B: "Well I love you without any qualifiers."
A: "I love you even though you think you are better than me."
A: "2 in the baby 1 in the maybe. 2 in the diaper 1 in the wiper."
B: "2 in the onesie, 1 in the mumsie. 2 in the jumper, 1 in the pumper."
Best Mix of Facebook Statuses, shown in order:
A: "My soul was blessed by a great teaching at church this morning."
B: "Good morning, my strange and delightful mix of friends! Man, the pedophilia jokes were flying last night."
C: "This is the day the Lord has made. Let us rejoice and be glad in it!"
"Falling down is not exercise."
"There's no comeback to 'I fucked you in the ass.'"
"Why is my GChat flashing, yet nobody is talking to me? Makes me feel more lonely than I already am."
"I had to pay [the doctor] $800 for that tiny little cancer."
"How you gonna fly out weekend pussy on a Tuesday? How the fuck does THAT work?!?"
"I'll sit in the corner and be quiet, sweatergod."
"I've already said 'Weiner Cam', 'Weiner Gate', and 'Weiner Exposed' on-air. Ready for this story to go away!"
"My sister just sent me a text: 'I'll murder you and that will be it.' Love it when I get mail from her out of the blue."
"Saw a 5 ft tall woman sporting a 2 ft tall wig near the courthouse. My first thought? 'Damn! I can't believe Gina is missing this!'"
"Since you can't say 'I'm gonna sell you to the Indians,' anymore, I'm sayin, 'I'm gonna sell you to the Librarians.' What do you think they'll do to you?"
"I guess my Kevorkian Groupon is now worthless."
A: "Is that your tongue or do you have something in your mouth?"
B: "It's my tongue. I'm trying to get bean skin off my tooth."
A: "Someone please come pick me up and drop me off at the closest international border."
B:"I would suggest Canada, but I think you have to be left handed to go there."
My All-time Favorite Quotes of the Week (2007-present):
“Merriam-Webster Online’s preferred pronunciation is CLIT-oris. If you click on the little speaker icon, you can hear a nice lady saying ‘CLIT-oris’ out loud for you, over and over, as many times as you click. The nice lady will also say ‘cervix’ and ‘nipple,’ but it’s the nice man who gets to say ‘vagina,’ ‘vulva,’ and ‘orgasm,’ plus all the male genital words. Smelling sexism, I entered ‘housewife,’ which was read aloud by the woman, as was ‘maid,’ ‘stewardess,’ and ‘flower.’ However, it is also the woman who pronounces ‘linebacker,’ ‘doctor,’ ‘president,’ and ‘fireman.’ So never mind. Can you say ‘waste of half an hour?’”
A: “Do you like dinner?”
A: “I mean, do you eat dinner?”
B: “I have been known to eat dinner, yes.”
A: “Me too! We should have dinner together.”
B: “I don’t think so.”
A: “Tell you what, why don’t you think about it, weigh the pros and cons and I’ll be in touch.”
B: “Tell you what, why don’t you touch yourself, and I’ll eat alone.”
“I’m tall enough to ride that ride, you bucktoothed fucktart.”
“I poked my head out of my cubicle and they were doing that work yoga thing. Felt like the groundhog—six more weeks of LAME.”
A: “Red and green make a kind of violet color.”
B: “What color does ‘shut the fuck up I’m playing Scrabble’ make?”
"What a creepy little book. The point of it is that the mom carries her kid around in her heart. How sweet (blech). BUT, the illustrations show the kid actually in her heart--pulling up his pants and eating breakfast, among other things. Thank goodness he didn't go potty in mommy's heart. She'd be septic!"
"So both of my parents are in the hospital right now. My dad's getting a penile implant and my mom went nuts and ran out the front door naked. They were unrelated incidents."
6-year-old: “Do creatures need to have shoes on when they talk?”
A: “Wheeeeeeeee! I didn't know you were gay!! You always looked a little grumpy to me.”
B: “At first I thought I'd respond by including a reference to 'Grumpus' that purple McDonaldland character from the 80s, but then I remembered (via wikipedia) that his name is 'Grimace' and while it's a similar sentiment, they are not close enough to merit mistaking one for the other, and therefore my clever retort went all to hell. The point is: What would Mayor McCheese do?”
A: “And why was grimace always smiling? All I know is I'm not voting for Mayor McCheese. I think he rapes children.”
B: “If you want to waste your vote by not caring about the REAL issues, fine. But I still say: Ronald McDonald is a TERRORIST.”
A: “Yeah, terrorists SUCK! I'd still rather sleep with a terrorist than a Republican tho. Just sayin.”
A: “Now to join my prematurely geriatric roommate for bunko.”
B: “My friend once tried to start a bunko movement. I think of her as my grandma friend now.”
“Sister wifery is a kinship among friends that happens in magical places like Fresno, so don't try to understand.”
A: “I'd like to adopt a Chinese girl someday.”
B: “Wouldn't it be fucked up if you adopted a Chinese girl just to get her recipes? Like ‘I'm sure that toy does look fun, but first the Chow Mein recipe. No? Get in the closet.’ I'm just kidding, I don't know why I said that. It's fucked up huh?”
B: “You aren't going to put this on Quotes of the Week, are you?”
"Gina said 'diddle.'"
"You do know I have a soundtrack in my head for our sex life."
"I think it's cute that everyone drives so fucking slow here."
"Watching [them] install the blinds is like watching a monkey trying to f*ck a football while on a ladder."
"To work there, you have to have a certain disregard for the people. Cos otherwise, you could fixate on the fact that, being a fairly good school, you have to imagine that maybe 80% of those people will graduate and most of them will make more money in a year than I will in my entire life. Not only that, but many of them are going to be sending my children to wars on other planets. And not only that, but they all just vomited on a Buick."
"Do you know how hard it is to get slut out of Egyptian cotton?"
"Why do parents name their kids after sports cars, especially when their kids look like wrecks!"
"I like old stuff, like from the 1940s and stuff, but it's cool because I'm not a dick about it."
"[I]f I stand at your register for 2 minutes with no help, I take my things and go!"
"Jury duty. Happy to serve, but time will pass slowly without my iPhone. Have to make do with my skull shaped kingdom."
"While this is certainly a 9 out of 10 on the 'White People Problems' scale, man, oversized shelves are kind of a beast to take on as an end-of-quarter project."
"Today is a glasses day. I don't think my eyes would appreciate visitors."
"When I see a homeless person and their sign says 'won't give up' I wonder what they won't give up."
"I think I'm going to replace my toes with grapes."
"I get so upset when people say stuff like 'well, if you really thought about everything you eat, you'd starve to death.' Yeah. No. I think about everything I eat. Opposite of starving."
"Why is it I always let Cocktail stay on the TV? Scientology trance?"
"At work, I was trying to access an NPR news story but the site is blocked because it's a 'music site.' And yes, I know I'm not supposed to be on the Internet unless it's County business. Was it County business? I guess we'll never know..."
"There's something about Memorial Day weekend that makes me want to cross the fine line between Classic Rock and Southern Rock."
"Have you ever been to Table Mountain? It's just like Vegas except it's packed with freaks and gimps. (Is that wrong to say?)"
"I agree about the weather and stocks. Silly you can't remove some of em and replace with porn apps."
"Fuck Walmart in the face."
"In addition to being my darling beau, you are also my best friend, so from time to time I'll have to tell you things like this: Dude. My pee looks like orange Tang! No one mentioned that side effect! I imagine it is magical orange liquid salving my innards and making everything feel better and maybe even making me a better person from the inside out. Either that or I just fucked an oompa loompa without a condom."
A: "How is the hockey game?"
A: "That good, huh?"
B: "That's not an emoticon, that's the score."
A: "I'd jack off to that picture."
B: "I'd jack off with my heart to that picture."
A: "I don't want to be wasteful, but I can't finish these pancakes."
B: "It's okay to leave them."
A: "Yea, it's not like Ethiopian kids would even want them. They just want rice. Or maybe a chicken."
A: "You have a lot of room down here!"
B: "That's great. I love when a woman puts her hand down my pants and says there's a lot of room. That's great."
A: "Still smiling from the apricot I ate. Just the inspiration I needed to fix a bug in my code and map out an entire site."
B: "That tweet was very fruity!"
A: "What do you expect from a flaming flag? #blubberbutt"
A: "I had to pee so bad, I almost had a urine baby!"
B: "I had a urine baby all throughout my first trimester..."
C: "Sometimes I have a premature urine baby if I laugh too hard."
Photo of the Week:
Craving more Quotes? Yvonne over at Tits and Giggles invited me to do a very special Quotes! Warning: not for the prudish or otherwise lame. Check it out!