1 hour ago
"Why is there a unicorn pissing in your coffee?"
"Saturday morning business idea: Open a workout place strictly for alcoholic women, name it Swerves."
"Tech support doesn’t like the stationery because it uses up server space but I figured, it’s graph paper, how bad can it be?"
"A man on the mall followed after me with a comb. Can't tell if that was the strangest compliment or insult I've ever received."
"Someday I'm going to start up Bitches and Bellinis as the competitor to Women and Wine."
"Blood on the Salsa! is all about a flock of deadly tacos that attack hipsters foodies!"
"I don't know what just possessed me to Google 'angry cat' but I did. And now I'm scared."
"This thread is all weird and spaced out. I blame the unicorns."
"Angry Birds with Arms? You mean like with AK-47s and bazookas? Cool! When can I download that?"
"I use Linkedin to keep up with more successful people who have the same name as me. Those assholes."
"I was interviewed for this article on healthy snacking, but I don't think my quote made it in. So now I'm eating jelly beans."
"My favorite anthropomorphic object in Dora is the Map. His accent is sassy."
"Show lots of shows encouraging people to collect trash, then follow it up with an episode of Hoarders. Nicely done, cable TV."
"Daughter is doing math homework. Overheard: 'Fuck you, seven!'"
"There are so many motorized wheelchairs in Fresno, have you noticed? There must be a giant candy bowl somewhere but instead of candy, it's got wheelchairs inside."
A: "I'm not an alcoholic, I'm an alcoholympian."
B: "Me too. Totally. Well, maybe an alcoholicympian. Less glamorous and with more of a limp."
A: "I think limping is called swagger now. Unless its really awkward looking, then its still a limp."
A: "I like to eat what little boys are made of - snips and snails, and puppy dog tails...."
B: "What exactly is a 'snip' and how would one go about eating it??"
C: "I think a 'snip' is foreskin. Like calamari."
"My wife told me she thinks I'm becoming a grumpy old man. I told her to get off my lawn."
"So in those enclosed ATM booths, you should NOT enter and stand behind them. Wait outside. It makes the person using it uncomfortable. Oops."
"I'd take a mouthful of Kocky's over Packing Shed."
“The only thing worse than dating a dumb guy is dating a dumb guy who doesn’t brush his teeth.”
Grandma: “This Jewish girl never swallowed.”
“Watching people eat crabs is fun. You never see anyone taking a hammer to broccoli.”
A: “If I tell anyone I live in a loft, they ask if it’s Iron Bird Lofts. Granted, one lady mistakenly called them ‘Thunderbird Lofts.’”
B: “That was probably my mom. She also eats ice cream at Stone Cold Creamery and chats on MyFace.”
A: “Is your mom on Facebook? Oh wait, she doesn’t use computers, huh? Or, didn’t you say something about her making spreadsheets?”
B: “Haha, no. My mom doesn’t even know how to turn on a computer. She thinks spreadsheets are things you cover the bed with before slitting your wrists.”
"This place is Office Space minus any men. We do have Swingline staplers though."
"The first time I ever went into her office, I was astounded at the strangeness of it. There are photographs covering almost every inch of every wall. Mostly kids and pets. It turns out she collects other people’s loved ones. She asked if I had kids, I said no, but I have a cat and just lost a very special one. She said she’d love to see pictures, so I sent her some. She printed them out, captioned them, and mentions them frequently. She’s kind of cute. You’d like her."
"My boss just asked me if I'll have email at my new job."
"Please lord, retire the Helgas!"
"I’m so sorry that you did not get the invite to the potluck. There is some leftover cheese on the window sill if you want me to bring you some? I fear it has been sitting there since 8:30 am, mind you."
"Helen! Pantyhose & Sneakers are NEVER okay!"
A: "I wondered if you ever really figured out what your job was."
B: "I did! Despite what my blog portrays."
A: "Oh no. Next I will find out that Helen is really sharp and tech savvy!"
B: "Oh no no no. Although this morning, during the potluck (after she talked about only eating organic whole foods but while shoving her face with someone’s greasy homemade sausage burrito) I almost fainted when she said she ordered something online. Granted, it was a hair dryer stand, but still."
A: "I wonder why the public health community has such a propensity toward email backgrounds and decorative fonts. "
B: "I think Public Health people need to spice up their lives. Because of AIDS and dead babies and things."
A: "What happened with the non-English burritos??"
B: "I did see burritos, but they looked suspish. I’m sure they were full of sausage and other non-English goodies."
Me: "Not sure why but I feel like wearing Levi's and sexy shoes on my last day."
Male: "That's so weird. I had the same thought this morning. I went with cut-offs (1/2 inch inseam of course) and 6 inch heels."
"If you have secured a lovely lady who is willing to be the third in your three-way, you are obligated to do her the courtesy of providing her with an ORGASM."
"Facebook is prompting me to send a message to my husband because our anniversary is next week."
"I wish this drunk dancing machine would go sit his ass down!"
"If I'm taking a bath and using my iPad in the tub and I drop my iPad in the water, will I die? I'm asking for a friend."
"The only Mexican I've seen in I don't know how many episodes of 'Matlock' and they kill him. #racist"
"Reason #465 I Shouldn't Live Alone: I actually rolled off of my bed into an empty box."
Autocorrected text: "I am madly in lice with you."
Headline: "U.S. Skier Drunkenly Urinates on 11 Year Old. Kicked Off Team."
"Simon says 'GET THE FUCK UP!'"
A: "As the great Justice Stewart once said, 'I can't define "pornography" but I know it when I see it.'"
B:"Oh, I can define 'pornography.' It's when the penis goes in."
A: "Saw you at Save Mart the other day."
B: "The one on McKinley? I NEVER want to go there again. Their Tang section is bigger than the orange juice section."
A: "They don’t call it Ghetto Mart for nofink."
B: "I’m surprised I didn’t see you. I think I would’ve recognized a normal person. Or maybe you dress like a mulleted meth dad in your free time?"
A: "Close…Meth Mom on a scooter. Less hassle at the counter."
B: "I think I did see you!"
Best blog comment on a three-year old blog post:
"Okay, so I have a story for you. I met him at a party at his house that I didn't know I was at (long story...whatever) and so he wanted to take me out to dinner. A lady similar to yourself, I needed free dinner and so I agreed to meet him at Outback. I'd forgotten what he looked like because the night was a shocking ren faire blur (I didn't know it was a ren faire party! I swear!) so as I'm waiting for him to show up, I see someone wearing a pirate costume walk up. Basically I had dinner with a four fingered pirate and then went back to his house to watch movies ("follow the Infinity, you won't get lost") where he pulled out a fukuoku glove and used it on his 4 fingered hand, one digit hanging. I left before I even ate the frosting he made for doubtlessly smearing on my body."
"After 2 weeks with my mom and dad, I return home to discover that prankster elves had replaced all of my pants with identical pants that were one size smaller! How very dare they!"
"He's one strong drink and a broken heart away from being gay."
"Jersey Shore is the stupidest, ignorant show I've ever seen!"
"If you talk about hyperbole using hyperbole something bad might happen. Like all the cats on earth dropping dead at the same time."
"A little love-induced bulimia never hurt anyone."
"He's going straight up the chocolate chute, I just know it."
"I got a check from my grandma that bounced."
"I have a headache, I forgot to pick up my dry cleaning and I ate beef about 15 years ago. The only logical conclusion is that I have mad cow disease."
"Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to Taco Bell."
"You have to eat a lot of cupcakes before you find your diamond ring."
"If I were to create a band today, it would be called Those Eggs Were a Lie."
"I'll turtle slap the shit out of you, bro."
A: "Let's make it the ninth [production]. Don't want to hit a leadoff homerun, but I do want to use tired sports metaphors."
B: "Good thinking. That's a triple gainer of an idea."
A: "Who was so smart to leave me home alone with three candy bars?"
B: "Augustus, sweetheart! Save some room for later!"
4-year-old to mom: "I want to stand on you!"
Mom:"You can't stand on me."
Kid: "But I LIKE BANANAS!"
Screen shot of the week: