4 hours ago
"Type in 'cute puppies' in Google. Times number of results by three, and you will get how many times [my son] just said, 'A dog?'"
"They can hold an event in her hair. Cos it's so gritty."
"Guns and animals go together like bacon and AIDS."
"Six hour roundtrip drive for one hour lunch with 90-year-old grandma who's suffering from dementia. Can't think of a better way to spend the day."
"If you have moody sad acoustic guitar playing on one side of the house and an old sci-fi movie playing on the other side of the house and then stand somewhere in the middle, you will hear something very weird and very wonderful."
"VCR broke in class. Teacher next door suggested having kids draw 'half-man/half-animal' as assignment. WTF dude. WTF. Off to get a DVD."
"My relationship with my father had been on the proverbial fritz since the time I was fifteen and called the police to report him for child molesting. He had never molested me, but I wanted to have a party that weekend and needed him out of the house."
"I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people. Furthermore, sleeping with midgets is a great way to meet midgets."
"Listen, don't start with the racial stuff, okay? I love the blacks. Dogs don't seem to like them, but I don't have a problem. Look at Oprah!"
"[She] is very attractive and funny, but men act like her vagina has some sort of potpourri shooting out of it."
A: "Why are you getting excited right now?"
B: "Cos I'm thinking about your body. Not your body with milk coming out of it. Just your body in general."
A: "Moms, please don't enter your average-at-best kid in beautiful baby contests."
B: "Nothin' a little spray tan and some clip in teeth can't fix."
A: "People who give their kids douchebag haircuts. Discuss."
B: "Punched in the face. I'm talking about the child. It's the only way the parents will learn."
"Due to FB changes @dollgina is in every possible panel of my desktop window. Think I even saw an ad with her endorsing glass dildos."
"They should design a space heater that people who need space heaters can afford."
"I don't want to throw the baby out with the bath water. Then you get a wet, critically injured baby."
"The Internet...that's the one with the email right?"
"If you could just tone-down the Jewishness, that'd be great. I don't go around saying 'I'm a gentile, here's my foreskin,' shoving it down your throat, now do I?"
"So fascinating watching folks on twitter lament 'It Gets Better' teen suicide due to bullying, while simultaneously teasing Netflix CEO relentlessly."
"I hate Bed Bath and Revenge."
A: "Do you want your beer or mine?"
B: "I don't care, I'll have either!"
A: "I don't care, I'll have both!"
A: "She kicked me out! She said I was addicted to internet porn!"
B: "Well, are you?!"
A: "Of course I am! Isn't everyone?!"
A: "Can you imagine them having sex...together?"
B: "World's most uninspired, wordy orgasm."
B: "I think we just made Quotes."
A: "If zombies attacked, Gina would ..."
B: "Make a secret blog about them that she secretly wished was not a secret."
A: "This horrifies me! Kindle? Libraries are for books...not for e-books. I may be old and out of touch, but this is a very sad commentary on our times. I've had my [l]ibrary card for 66 years and it will never be used to check out an e-book."
B: "The horror... the HORROR!"
"Just came up with a great fantasy stand-up act in the shower. you were there and you were there and you were there. and you were aaaaallllll tittering politely and I killed! Thank you for your support!"
"'I wanna play fruit snack on the big phone' translation: I wanna play fruit ninja on the iPad! My daughter cracks me up."
"If I had a nickel for every time I stabbed you in the eye with a salad fork, I'd be getting a nickel in about 30 seconds."
"Oh no, I don't participate in casual Fridays. But I do like the idea. It makes me happy to be the best-dressed person at least once a week."
"I got 2 1/2 hours of sleep! I feel GREAT! Please excuse all the exclamation points! It's just the way I'm thinking in my head!"
"Fresno is at least one generation away from pretty."
"I almost bought you a doll I saw at the thrift store the other day but it smelled of broken childhood dreams."
"Super Mario Galaxy is soo much more fun after a bottle of Crown!"
"Oh. My. Bitchiness. I am so angry right now. I can't believe how childish and unprofessional and manipulative she is."
A: "May I bite your elbow?"
A: "Why not? I'd be the first to do it, I'm sure of it."
B: "A dog bit me there."
A: "Well, give me your other elbow then."
B: "He bit both elbows at the same time."
A: "Where did you gooooo?"
B: "It was getting late so I went to heaven."
A: "I wonder when my Hashtag membership ends."
B: "What do you mean? It's month-to-month!"
A: "Well, are you just going to keep paying for it?"
B: "As long as you keep sleeping with me."
News Story of the Week:
"Today's Outstanding Chicago Citizen: the woman standing outside the CVS, eating animal crackers, and flipping everyone off. She actually managed to eat her crackers with all fingers except the middle one so she could constantly flip off anybody coming out the door. Cracker Flipper, I salute you too!"
"This is going to put the kibosh on Meet a White Person Day."
"In my day we would walk uphill both ways just to be someone's mom."
"You have angered the Blanco! Now you face the wrath of magic!"
"He’s gonna hang himself with an invisible rope."
"I'm current on my TB shots. So I'm immune from being Blanco'd."
"I only dress in villain drag at home."
"My two bosses don't seem bothered by the lady having a conversation via speakerphone. I won't either, after I cut off her fucking head."
"If I had a nipple for every time I used the incorrect word in an aphorism, I'd be a rich man."
"You act like you just found out you're an adult like ten minutes ago."
"I was just practicing my Spanish with this old woman in the bar from Nicaragua and at one point I couldn't figure out what she was saying to me. I thought she was describing something about something black. Turns out...she's super racist."
"If you were a Spice Girl, you’d be Literacy Spice."
"Only a librarian's phone would autocorrect Archie Bunker to Archive Bunker."
A [in earnest shock]: "Somebody turn it off!"
B: "I can't turn it off--this is actually happening!"
A: "Bud Light gives me bubble guts."
B: "It can also give you a mean case of date rape."
A: "Who can afford drugs these days?!"
B: "People who sell blow jobs."
A: "Who can afford blow jobs these days?!"
B: "Good point."
A: "They're hiring for a Director of Diversity."
B: "WTF is that?"
A: "It's to make sure they hire black people, I guess."
A: "Want Dutch Bros coffee?"
B: "No thank you. The assistant wants one."
A: "What's he like?"
A: "lmao, I meant what drink ;)"
A: "I'm looking at the [bus] map now. It looks ... complicated."
B: "If you're lucky, you'll see a chihuahua, two crazies fighting over an empty pack of smokes and old man ass."
Sleep talks of the week:
[sits up to the urk-urk-urk of a cat throwing up]: "What is it? He's throwing up? I thought it was the volume sound on the Mac." [snore]
A: "Is my skin too cold?"
B: "You have a nice ass." [snore]
"If your apartment is hit by a dolphin, DO NOT GO OUT TO SEE IF THE DOLPHIN IS OKAY. That's how the hurricane tricks you into coming outside."
"Baseball players sleep standing up, just like horses."
"Unfollowing people that don't follow me, @dollgina I'm looking at you."
Parent of a librarian: "You don't seem like a normal librarian."
"Go in for therapy, come out entertained. At least she didn't cry. Or molest you. That would probably make her the worst therapist ever."
"Everyone thinks I'm a doormat, but I want to kill people as much as the next person."
"This is the last pedicab of the Grizzlies season...hoping to go out with muscle craps."
"I mentioned that the audio in my car was going out, and in turn, I was nearly convinced by 5 dudes that the reason may be because I'm low on blinker fluid."
"Riding the el is like crab fishing!"
"Princess is excited for her home visit. I know this because she keeps farting."
"I think you're a terrific girl but you have clothes like a fucking dickhead."
"DAMN, HEADACHES. WHY WON'T YOU LET ME BE GREAT?"
A: "No one should buy one of those foam hands. What a waste of money!"
B: "What if you are a diehard fan?"
A: "Then you get autographed baseballs and you sleep with the players, like normal people do!"
A: "What's with the gang of skags at Stones tonight?"
B: "Skags? What is this word...skags?"
A: "Skanky hags = skags."
B: "Ah, like real hags? Like swamp witches? Skanky swamp witches? SOUNDS HOT!!"