1 day ago
"Anytime someone says they can't sleep, I assume it's because the clowns will eat them."
"My husband is cheating on me with fruit. An Apple and a Blackberry."
"Dammit, man! In a decade my vagina will be dried up and you'll be like 'I wanna younger woman' and I'll be like 'I wanna older man' and then what?"
"Time to check the bookdrop. If I'm not back in 5 minutes that means I got laid."
"I've never been day drunk on a Thursday."
"I'm going to bake cookies tonight. And by bake, I mean fuck, and by cookies, I mean your dad."
"It looks like a snake bit my foot, but what really happened is I dropped a fork and tried to catch it with my bare foot. Because I forgot my feet aren't hands."
"Little Red Ugly Hood."
"Showering with him is what I imagine it is like showering with your own brother because there is no other choice: clinical and polite. I wanted to scream I AM A NAKED WOMAN STANDING BEFORE YOU! ACT LIKE IT!"
"I'd like to thank @TravisSheridan for the two tickets to Cougar Town he gave me. THANKS DUDE!!!"
"I had a 'pet' gopher when I was little that my parents didn't tell me was dead. I dragged it everywhere. Explains a lot about me."
"If a co-worker tells me I have great curves, does that mean I get to have sex with her?"
A: "Why do you always combine those two songs?"
B: "What? That's not the same song?"
A: "No! It's Whitney Houston and the theme song from Cheers!"
A: "What is that, a weather app?"
B: "No, it's fantasy football."
A: "Oh. Sort of the same thing, then. It's all fake!"
A: "Malcolm X was hot."
B: "No he wasn't. Denzel Washington looked terrible in that film."
A: "Why is it hard for you to admit you have allergies?"
B: "Well, I'm in denial."
A: "Yes, you fully embrace denial but refuse to take an Allegra."
"The higher the risk of decapitation, the more you're going to have to pay your performers. Or, if you didn't pay them up front, I guess you could save some money that way..."
"Yeah, dealing with a kid who doesn't want to shit...that's a weird one that I hadn't signed up for."
"I just had a 'Damn, I'm looking good' moment with my mirror."
"I was underwhelmed by Siri's performance in finding my dog and, oh just about everything else."
"Even though I'm old and dead on the inside, these new zits tell me I'm still full of life and clogged pores on the outside."
"I will continue to make you pee!"
"Not saying that I hate kids, but I hope my future wife's pregnancy takes 216 months."
"Old people can take a nap whenever they feel like it, and even during TV interviews."
Youtube Comment of the Week, from the Viral Video of the Week, The Avengers Trailer - Sweded:
"I've never actually been in a fight, but I've watched the shit out of the Bourne movies. You probably don't want to try anything."
"I've been trying to balance my aggression tweets w/ positive tweets. Well, screw that crap. If u see me on the news tonight just look away."
"She's called me before! She called after the extreme couponing story with a similar message. Something about don't use splendor (Splenda) just use sugar. It included a mention of slapping the fat off someone's @ss. I'm don't know if I'm forgetting the context or if there never was any to begin with."
"I'm gonna go brush my teeth so I'm not breathing hamburger into your hair all night."
"THERE ARE NO DANCE EMERGENCIES. THERE ARE NO DANCE EMERGENCIES."
"Gina, you just got fucked by a UNICORN marching band!!!!"
"I wish to hire Harry to write copy for my Nigerian princess Internet scams and more also."
"In order to stop what was already a very long conversation with a coworker, I told her I don't watch television because I don't have eyes."
"Just dropped my half-smoked cigarette off the balcony and 'Tears in Heaven' started playing in my head."
A: "Someone very dear to me is currently Googling 'diameter of Crunch Berries' and comparing the results to 'diameter of Kix.'"
B: "You failed to mention that the original comparison was between Crunch Berries and anal beads."
A: "I am frazzled. My kid is doing a project on dinosaurs and the cashier/barista/information person at the local chain bookstore gave me a patronizing look when I asked to see books on dinosaurs that haven't been discovered yet."
B: "A librarian will help you find what you're really after, without patronizing you, if you GO THE FUCK TO THE LIBRARY."
Voicemail Rant & Remix of the Week:
"People need to shut up and have hobbies."
"Instead of an organ donor, I'm going to sign up to be an orgasm donor."
"I can dance. An average dancer. I just prefer not to. Unless by dance you mean bone. Then I like to dance. An average dancer at that."
"This new Facebook is a real timesucker. Lots of shit flopping around."
"[My son] learned a couple of new words, humping and faggot. Not real happy about it."
"If you ran a care center for malnourished baby birds, I think a funny name for it would be, 'NO FAT CHICKS.'"
"I've got a great idea for a movie about a black robot police officer. I'm calling it Negrobocop."
"She's the cold, distant mother I never had. I love her."
"Jesus promised the end of all wicked people. Thor promised the end of all ice giants. I don't see many ice giants around."
"What happened to Tom Jones? He looks like a black man. You know how Michael Jackson turned into a white man? Tom Jones is turning into a black man. Do all Welsh people have afros like that?"
A: "Time for the Topless Tapas bar?"
B:"Topplas. Toplass. Perky Paella."
A: "Why do you have so many guns?"
B: "This is America, isn't it?"
B: "Then I don't have to answer any stupid questions while I'm standing on my own property."
A: "Where should we get married? What's your favorite place?"
B: "In your arms."
A: "Aww, that's very sweet, but unhelpful. What's your second favorite place?"
B: "Between your legs."
A: "Dammit! Your third?"
B: "In your ass, and if you had a removable glass eye, you'd know where my fourth favorite place would be."