1 hour ago
"Alzheimer's is nature's rufie."
"I think this must be one of the most uplifting emails I've ever sent you. Starts with a little soul implosion and ends with a death in the family. Good times."
"I'm not confident that I am in control of this beard."
"For those of you visiting relatives for Thanksgiving, can you do all us web developers a favor? Please update their browsers. Thanks!"
"Male ballerinas are called 'balleritos.' I'm 7% absolutely sure of this."
"[Thanksgiving] is a good time observe that Europe wouldn't have shit to eat if they hadn't invaded north America and stolen the plant varieties."
"I have been rocking the pimp limp for a month now."
"And I thought I did good w/ a Snuggie, a Bump It and a Guess Who game (with just 3 missing characters) for $48!"
"We're having 15 people over. I've had teens complaining, one dog crapped and peed in the same spot and the other dog walked through it and tracked down the hallway as I was going to get stuff to clean it up."
"Maybe I'm naive, but I thought pepper spraying other shoppers was just how the people of Walmart get down on a daily basis."
"OH GOD WHY DID I EAT ALL THAT???? SOMEONE SHOULD HAVE STOPPED ME. I THOUGHT YOU ASSHOLES HAD MY BACK."
"Moments to remember: telling [my son] tonight's plans and having him yell 'Yea!! Let's do this thing!!' (and the plans were pretty much let's go home and feed the dogs and make frozen pizza for dinner)."
"I WOULD LIKE TWO TICKETS FOR THE MUPPETS TOMORROW AT 3:10. ONE FOR THE GOLDEN AGE OR GEEZER PRICE AND THE OTHER FOR A REGULAR HUMAN BEING."
Drunk Girl Tweets of the Week:
"I need a burrito with all of my life right now."
"So that walk from Audie's to Denny's wasn't scary until I imagined zombies peering out of the dark houses I was passing.
"Also my fly was down the whole walk. Dummy."
"She said they want someone enthusiastic and creative, duh, someone who will promote creative programs and events. Sounds like a lot of the stuff you were doing before your library got constipated and underwent unnecessary bowel surgery."
"You see your tie? It's the same tie every other man wears. Looks like crap? It IS crap. Look at my tie. It's 3 meters long. Why? It stands out. It does not BELONG on your neck. And if you open my tie, here is a wallet, ketchup dispenser, a pillow and a blow-up doll."
"That's the first pair of turtleneck pants I've ever seen."
"I have a coworker who eats tuna out of the can. It stinks and he's a weirdo."
"I was worried dude was going to go to the bathroom and show us his poo because he wants us to know he only has HIGH QUALITY shits."
"If I could have one wish, it would be to make stupidity incredibly painful."
"I misread 'hymns' as 'hymens' and now your tweet makes sense."
"If you have a mouse in your house, here is what you do: Get tupperware dish & gently corral mouse. Offer Cracker Jack as part of your Relocation service, then take for walk to neighboring church & release in their meditation garden while offering well wishes in a cute voice."
"Yo, it's downright crumby to be a gangsta."
"I need to borrow a dog or a baby because blaming my fish for these farts aren't working."
"The HR rep is pissed at me, but I still maintain that changing my nametag to 'The God of Fucking' was a sweet move."
"Typing a quotation mark as two apostrophes is something that some people actually do."
"Wait, Dr. Bronner was blind? He's not blind, he's just closing his eyes. And his wife's wearing her glasses on top of her head so she can't see either."
"Now Travis, do you do imprompto comedy or do you have a plan when you get up there?"
"The doctor took my blood and it hurt but I was brave...... MELT BANANA."
"I don't mind being judgmental. I'm like God in that way."
"Drinking Vervain tea to ward off the breaking dawn."
"When someone hands me a business card, I pull down my pants and swipe it through my ass. Then I whisper, 'sorry, declined' and give it back."
A: "You're awfully cheerful for someone who woke up terrified this morning."
B: "I always wake up terrified, rats or no rats!"
A: "That peppermint soap makes me tingly all over."
B: "I bet it'd feel real tingly on an open wound. Like a vagina."
A: "A vagina is NOT an open wound, fuckface!"
Mom: "Can you say cowbell?"
"People try to tell me that reading is lame, I tell them to finish scrubbing my toilet, what the fuck am I paying them for, eat a dick son."
"Awoke from a dream in which I was having a mild disagreement with a woman in a hardware store about how much an adjustable leg for a table should cost. Is this what I've become? I used to dream of ninjas and blowing things up."
"I was no match for that tight pussy and that broken angry heart."
"If these dogs don't poop soon, I'm going to have to squeeze them like toothpaste."
"Just back from my walk... pretty chrisp out there today."
"Don't Fuckin' Care Bear."
"I NEVER BREWED COFFEE THIS MORNING I AM SO ANGRY"
"Pick up some Nutella on the way home and we'll do it. And some cool whip."
"You know you're a mommy when you try to get change from the bottom of your purse and instead grab a handful of old, loose raisins."
"Raise your hand if you're off tomorrow! OMG the patron across from me is watching videos with close-ups of crabs kicking their legs in slow motion. Creepo!"
"No one ever says 'thank you' anymore. Instead they say, 'Take down those Photoshopped naked pictures of Calvin Coolidge, you sick fuck.'"
A: "The worst name for a native American stripper: Wild Yeast."
B: "Wrong. It's Tatonkadonk. Wait. That's the best name. "
A: "Things always seem to work out for you. Lucky biatch."
B: "Ha. After the year I've had, I deserve a blow job from a unicorn."
A: "Listening to Dolly Parton makes me smile."
B: "Listening to Slayer makes me awesome."
"Sometimes I feel so sick at the state of the world I can't even finish my second apple pie."
"Congratulations, new dad! All you did was fuck a bitch, but here, have a cigar! It's another fucking boy! Excellent!"
Friend who has a brand new baby named Jacob: "Until further notice, the little guy shall be known as Awacob."
"So depressed. I just found out my boyfriend is white."
"Wait. If my dad's Facebook alter ego has a son, what relation are we? It's beginning to smell a lot like Catfish!!"
"Brandalism: Any advertisement in public space that gives you no choice whether you see it or not is yours. It belongs to you. It's yours to take, rearrange and reuse. Asking for permission is like asking to keep a rock someone just threw at your head."
"The only reason I wouldn't have a baby with a librarian is how much she'd go on about when it's due."
"Think from outside the box, collapse the box and take a fucking sharp knife to it."
"Your boss is a special breed of something but I’m not sure it’s managerial material that she’s a breed of, if you know what I mean."
"Do you want to cancel therapy today? We could spend the copay on booze."
"When my dad beats me at 'Words With Friends', I get so filled with shame I have to fuck something that's dead."