1 day ago
"'Sort of' is such a harmless thing to say...sort of. It's just a filler. Sort of...it doesn't really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like...after 'I love you'...or 'You're going to live'...or 'It's a boy!'"
"Oh, it's Call of Duty: Black Ops, not Call of Duty: Black Cops. That opens it up to a whole new market now, doesn't it?"
"Babies come from eggs that are hatched by rabbis if you are Jewish, Catholic nuns if you are Christian, and prostitutes if you are an atheist."
"He's scared of the outside which is a disease called homophobia."
"If we spent as much time curing cancer as we spend on curing meats, we would have some very delicious cancer."
"In rare instances when twins are conceived by different fathers, it's called heteropaternal super fecundation. I call it being a slut."
"I know I will have reached a certain level of success when my underwear is so well made it doesn't even have an inside out."
"I guess my Kevorkian Groupon is now worthless."
"I've said 'hello' to [the big boss] almost every day since I've been there. Tuesday, he sees me sitting in my office and alerts my boss about the stranger."
"I just signed a kid up for the summer reading program who told me his name was 'Snot-faced Puppy.' I wrote it on his reading log and said thank you. He beamed."
"My boss just asked me if I'll have email at my new job."
"If I had a nipple for every time I used the incorrect word in an aphorism, I'd be a rich man."
"If I had a nickel for every time I stabbed you in the eye with a salad fork, I'd be getting a nickel in about 30 seconds."
"In order to stop what was already a very long conversation with a coworker, I told her I don't watch television because I don't have eyes."
A: "No one should buy one of those foam hands. What a waste of money!"
B: "What if you are a diehard fan?"
A: "Then you get autographed baseballs and you sleep with the players, like normal people do!"
A: "Do you wanna go see Harry Potter?"
B: "I'd rather watch a sex tape of my grandparents."
A: "I think it's really sweet that your grandparents still make love."
"I don't mind being judged for my substance abuse or sexual addiction. It's better than judging people."
"Hey white people, quit giving us a bad name by doing things like wanting a room just for crafts on House Hunters. Fuck off."
"The reason I gave up drugs was to avoid lying awake at night wondering if mermaids have vaginas or why baseball is counterclockwise."
"I just farted in the sound of a question."
"I just texted a friend birthday wishes. The iPhone changed 'hugs' to 'jugs.' It kinda changes the meaning in a creepy way."
"Girls named Andrea that call themselves 'Ahn-dray-uh' will never let you stick it in their butt."
"By all means, continue clipping your toenails in my sink. I was going to torch the place anyway."
"Hey random creepy guy in this lesbian porn jacking off in the corner---GO AWAY, you're freaking me out."
"TOUCHING [in a men's restroom] is NOT allowed. No matter what. I don't care if the person is fainting. No touching (unless you have to push them away from falling on you)."
"If a badass is getting ready for the prom, is he big primpin', or should I stop trying to write jokes?"
"I used to hope that van in the driveway was bringing flowers, or a huge check. Now I pray it isn't the film crew from Hoarders."
"I think you should treat others as you'd like to be treated, which is why I always offer to have sex with people."
A: "I learned that most men do not use the little flap in their underwear. Discuss."
B: "Leslie, that is called going over the fence."
A: "Is it really pronounced "cack" gazing? I like it!"
B: "Well I'm trying not to offend.....that would be the Boston dialect."
A: "Dammit. Well, I'm calling them cacks from now on. Cacks and sacks."
Stay tuned! Tomorrow I shall post Quotes of the Year. If you made that list, I probably wish to have your baby. Or I just think you're really funny.
Every other week for a spell, Quotes of the Week will be curated by a special guest. This week, quotations were collected by my friend and sissy-in-law Elizabeth, who has a better sense of humor than your sister-in-law! Show her some love!
"That's what they get for dicking around in duty free."
"I have an open relationship...with vodka."
Kid [after he was told to stop touching the DVD player, after it fell to the floor]: "I didn't do ANYTHING, I was just looking at it with my eyes...my eyes must have secret powers or something."
"A little girl getting bit by a pony? That's crazy! That's like getting raped by Santa Claus."
"I'm so hungry I could eat a whole zebra."
"If I get sick because of you coughing on me I will sneak into your house on Christmas Eve and sneeze in your eyes."
"My son's doctor told me he won't remember anything that happens when he's 7 months old. Guess who's not getting presents this year?"
"My mom told me she didn't do as good a job with me and that I was like the guinea pig for the other three. How's your day going?"
"Taking bets on what drops first, New Year's Eve ball or Justin Bieber's testicles."
Teacher: "This year, we learned how to act without words...Does anyone remember what's that called?"
First grade class [in unison]: "No..."
Teacher: "It starts with 'Pa'....'pa' 'pa' 'pa'..."
A: "I have a headache. I took 4 Advil."
B: "Take 40 Advil and it will be your last headache."
Teacher: "Who can name something that you don't like to smell?"
First grader: "Dog shit."
Teacher: "Maritza we can't say that, it's not nice."
First grader: "Cat shit."
A: "What does Bono mean in the song 'Do they know it's Christmas' when he says 'Well tonight thank God it's them instead of you?'"
B: "As much as I do love my over-coiffed 80's alterna singers and this song, I think it reels of 'Phew! Dodged a bullet on THAT one! Could have been an Ethiopian.'"
"I've named my dick Judas. He always wants to stab you in the back."
"How do I delete this shitty app that lets people call me?"
"It's not premarital sex if you never get married."
"Maybe it was their god's way of saying it's a vagina not a clown car."
"If you've never fucked on ecstasy with Lords of Acid pumping in the background, then you weren't in my bed last night."
"Homophobia: the fear that gay men will treat you the way you treat women."
"I will take that thing across the border, but I will not pay a penny for it and I'm not taking my pants off."
"I won't have any more kids on the simple fact that I can't carry more than two kids in the zombie invasion."
"We should remove the warning label from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself."
"It's not rape if he fell asleep on his stomach with his boxers on backwards."
"I like Twitter cos when I used to post shit on Facebook all I'd ever get is, 'Greg, you really shouldn't have eaten that lady's dog.'"
"He should have just let the cancer kill him. Woulda been called Bad Lung instead of Breaking Bad."
"Whomever in my neighborhood named their wifi 'Not Yours' should probably put a password on that shit, because I beg to differ."
"I don't like fake boobs, said the man who had no trouble pretending his hand was a vagina."
"If you get sexted by someone you don't wanna sext with, did you just get molexted?"
"I put a Christian fish on my car getting eaten by a Darwin fish getting eaten by Calvin as he pees on stick figures of your family."
"Let's start spelling independence with an 'a.' I think 'independance' is far better."
"I'm willing to bet I have a gambling problem. And if these Yelp reviews are accurate, also a bed bug problem."
"No, no, people. It's okay. I can make racist jokes. One of my best friends is a racist."
"Bought my sister a t-shirt that says 'It's Not Indifference, It's Botox' but I couldn't tell from her expression whether she liked it or not."
"I'm pretty sure if I winked this much in real life as much as I do online, I would get my ass kicked daily. ;)"
Daughter: "Let's have an ass-shaking contest."
Son: "Mom should win cos her ass is hee-uge."
Mom: "You son of a bitch."
A: "How tall is Mommy?
Every other week for a spell, Quotes of the Week will be curated by a special guest. First up is our friend Michael from Weird Fresno fame! Show him some love and share, share, share!
"She makes Sylvia Plath look like Cindy Lauper."
"Sometimes, my pants don't load in Second Life. This also happens in First Life."
"I'm going to put some AIDS in his Christmas stocking."
"Is snogging like tubthumping?"
"One of the reasons I love tuna sandwiches is how much you don't have to chew. Just swish 'em around and gulp. Then find a mint."
"Infants are really tiny assholes."
"A HUG IS LIKE A STRANGLE YOU HAVEN'T FINISHED YET."
"I've decided to get really out of shape and become a pro golfer."
"Ever wondered if Santa Claus is just a Succubus in disguise? After researching for two hours, the answer is no."
A: "I just love that this guy is incarcerated in the jail that was named after him."
B: "You just better hope there's no 'Dollgina Rehabilitation Correctional Facility.'"
A: "Will you be my attorney??"
B: "Yeah, but will I be keeping you out, or in?"
A: "At this point, I want in. What kind of charges can you scare up? Let's tip off the cops and get started."
A: "Oh, that poor guy has scoliosis!"
B: "Are you sure it's not just the lights?"
A: "What do you mean? Look at his back!"
B: "Oh! I got that mixed up with psoriasis for a minute."
"You don't pull on Superman's cape, don't spit in to the wind, you don't pill the mask off the Lone Ranger, and you don't ask me to make a bed."
"Two hours in and my mom has sprayed booze from the cocktail shaker in her face and I'm a jerk for not hosing her down. Classic!"
"Does anyone know how to play the flute and want to help [my kid]? She has a winter performance but she doesn't know the notes and can't make the flute play."
"i haven't drank water since the day after Halloween."
"Thanks to the MoSistas out there too! Makin sure the handlebars match the wheels!"
"If you're heart broken,single or in love...follow me....my tweets will do nothing to make you feel any different nor inspire you..."
"How is it that twitter knows when you're drunk and shuts down spell check as some kind of twisted tough love."
"Alpacas are like broccoli from outer space."
"People ask what JFK would've achieved if he hadn't died. I'm guessing he'd've found it hard to do very much with a massive flap in his head."
A: "Do you believe in yourself?"
B: "No, I don't believe in God."
A: "man i hop over my neighbors fence today and got bit by a rockwilder. im gonna feed it poisonus dog treats!"
B: "Where are you going to acquire poisonous dog treats?"
A: "dats da problem. my hook up is out of them. do U know anyone who can get some?"
B: "No Bennett."
A: "im gonna throw it a frisby dipped in poison then."