"Mormons must be pretty rare in your parts! They are like unicorns. Here, they are like squirrels."
"If you still say 'that's what she said,' I dream of playing Tic-Tac-Toe with a box cutter on your chest."
"Was just told I sound like a 'rich person' on the phone. Huh?"
"Restaurants that don't take debit cards make me want to put stuff on their mouse pads so they have to clean their mouse roller balls a lot."
"Can we just make a new law that people over the age of 45 don't get to make laws about the internet? Call it NOPA."
"Having a family member with Tourette's isn't all that bad if you get a swear jar in your house."
"I'm going to hide a lot of people in my suitcase when we move Saturday. I'll cut breathing holes for them."
"When you get married, you not only gain a best friend but you also get another windshield to clean...Damn you cold weather!"
"One of my students thinks that Medea is going to help Jason get the golden fleas."
"Hollywood is pretty damn good at making baseball movies that aren't really about baseball."
"I find the lack of wizards in today's music appalling."
A: "Whenever I hear a wine described as 'jammy,' I immediately think of menstrual fluid."
B: "Why, goddamnit, WHY."