From Toddlers & Tiaras: "Contestent #4 loves to go hunting and fishing. When she grows up, she wants to be a veterinarian so she can help animals."
"#SisterWives is like a Hometown Buffet that only has women for dinner. Not too hot and probably been sitting around too long."
"Because I love, I give people gory drawings of themselves mangled in the gears of giant machines & write 'This probably won't happen!'"
"I wish I could watch you get tasered by a group of dementia patients."
"Tip: Watching porn while on the elliptical machine does not make time go by faster, it just makes you want to get off."
"He's equal parts Hanson and Manson."
"My neighbor is such a weirdo. I was peeking through his window last night & he was eating a candy apple, that's not really an at-home food."
"Warning: if a UFO lands in your garden and little green people emerge shouting 'fuck you,' earth has been invaded by extra tourettestrials."
"Realization: polygamy is basically hoarding."
"Samsung! Antique Road Show stylus phone!"
"Are you an infant or brain damaged?"
"The secret to my success is eliminating things that make the kids crazy, i.e. sugar, shopping trips, park-hopping. We are running out of things to eliminate. Also, Henry said the F word today, in context."
"Gummy bears can be your friends forever! In your intestines."
"Of all the things Travis has said on FB it's amazing the Toddlers & Tiaras comments were the deal breaker. That's amazing."
"Telling that group of elementary school kids that not having a library card was like being 'fisted by failure' was a poor choice of words."
Exchanges:
A: "New restaurant in Fresno! It's called 'U.F.Pho".'"
B: "Yeah, but it's pronounced 'Fuh.'"
A: "[They're] U.F.Fuh'ked."
Status: "10 minutes ago I asked @dollgina, 'Can I get you anything?' she said 'yes,' but hasn't told me what she wants yet."
Response: "Maybe she'll tell you in a comment?"
@dollgina [one day later]: "I got distracted by Facebook...Honey! Can you get my book from the car? And some champagne. And draw me a bath!"
A: "I just dropped Travis off at the airport. Next, I shall play with my glass sword, beat an elephant til it cries, and put raw hamburger all over my face."
B: "Wow, you sound like you have an exciting life! How do you manage to come up with all these ideas? My life is so drab compared with yours!"
A: "My New Year's resolution is to delete anyone who runs or bikes over 2 miles per day in order to make me look like a sloth asshole."
B: "Way to make a New Years rez in Feb, Sloth."