"Seriously, the music they play at work feels like I just walked into an elevator that Christmas just took a crap in."
"I put a 101.1 radio station sticker on my car, not cos I like shitty music, but because I want people to think that's how far I can run."
"I'll eat Morningstar Farms off your ass, I don't care, you're hot."
"I don't often feel selfless, but when I'm with you, I do."
"The politics [at work] are fascinating...to a bored person."
"I'm going to be one of those lonely women who leaves long, bitter reviews on Yelp."
"It's not that God is bad, he just has really shitty brand ambassadors."
"Nothing says 'fuck it' like a 70-year-old man walking down the street in a tween girl's backpack complete with a photo of a boyband character."
"Bought a box of eggs to go along with all the microwave meals to stem the cashier's silent judgment of my life choices. I think I won this round."
"Please keep my aunt in your thoughts. Tonight is when she gets the results from her 'Which Downton Abbey character are you?' Facebook quiz."
"I've got a lady boner for anatomical ignorance and horrible phrases."
"When job interviewers ask me what my greatest weakness is, I tell them Thin Mints. Then we all have a laugh and I apply for another job."
"People who say 'expresso' should have separate drinking fountains from the rest of us."
"Worst book ever...I just finished Where the Red Fern Grows. Don't look at me like that; those dogs didn't need to die. Spoiler alert."
A: "Friday was the 20th...let's see...what did that make Sunday?"
A: "What is Friday minus Sunday?
A: "Jeez! What is 20 minus Sunday?"
B: "You're out of your mind."
A: "Most of my life is spent trying not to think about how someone has probably made a dating site for pets."
B: "My cat uses a picture of me as her profile pic because she has low self-esteem."