"Today I had a 64-year-old woman tell me she has never pet a kitten. What the fuck is wrong with people?"
"The most we have in common is that he plays football and I hate football."
"Thank you. I'd like to give you all long uncomfortable uncle hugs."
"I am one sneeze away from an urban myth."
"Lent is over! I just watched a Youtube video of a cat opening a freezer!"
"There needs to be a font especially made to convey sarcasm. #sarcastica"
"I almost arranged a booty call the other night with this girl online. We were sexting and all that and I was so close to 'get over here' but she was only 24 and a bad speller."
"Most of my ideas come to me while I'm in the shower. Which is why most of my ideas are waterproof desserts."
"There's a JFK museum in Dallas. It's at the book suppository."
"Turns out you're not allowed to literally drag someone to court. Also turns out food courts aren't recognized by the legal system."
A: "Haha, I just discovered this video website with tons of funny videos on it. Have you guys heard of this? youtube.com"
B: "No. Tell me more."
A: "You know how your cat does cute things? Well, this is a site where you can record your cat and show other people how cute it is."
A: "Remember her [piece of artwork] that had my teeth in it? I found them in a desk drawer yesterday. When she moved out, she took the art, but left the fucking teeth. Covered in glue, mind you."
B: "Glue tooth! Like a blue tooth but sticky."