"[My daughter] has been inducted into the 'chocolate group' at after-school care. A 9-year-old Korean girl is the ringleader. She got a pink personal invite today, complete with a password. I told her I am not supplying her with chocolate on a daily basis for this club."
"I wouldn't let her run a celery farm."
"Nothing will stop my family from burying my great-grandfather's rotting corpse in the Haunted Mansion graveyard at Disney."
"Music Trivia: Korn was originally called Cettle Korn, but changed their name after realizing 'kettle' was spelled incorrectly."
"Money-saving Tip: Don't pay taxes. Then when the IRS comes for you, say 'Taxes? I thought you said TEXAS.' Then go to jail and eat for free."
"Just because it's raining doesn't mean the library opens earlier, fuckface. We should put that on a sign."
"I'm at a vegan buffet. That's what I call drinking fountains."
"Your cat reminds me of Elk City, Oklahoma. I hate him and I can't sleep."
"Goddamnit, I swear. The next person who posts a fucking picture of chicken chow mein or a fucking gourmet motherfucking fuckcake on Instagram--lo-fi, Earlybird, motherfuck!--is going to get a photo of my next bowel movement smeared on their Facebook wall. Fuck!"
"Before leaving your house wearing clothes that are the same color as your skin, please take a moment to remember that some people have eyes."
A: "He's got a funny body."
B: "Yep, he's shaped like a rotten pear."
A: "You look like you've done pretty well for yourself."
B: "Yes. That sofa is made from Seabiscuit."