"I'm not saying I hate you. I'm just saying if you got shot, I'd be the shooter."
"When my psychiatrist says something particularly insightful, I tell her, 'Well, now you can diagnose me as 'clinically IMpressed'!"
"There's a wireless network in our building named 'Pretty Fly for a Wi-fi.'"
"These HR meetings sound a lot like Twitter. Everyone is talking about openings and positions they want someone to fill."
"Colonel Mustard did it. In the library. With a candlestick. Pervert. I hope he calls me."
"I believe marriage should remain as God intended: a sacred bond between a man and a woman, formed over a few weeks, through an elimination contest, on national television. Between white people."
"True story: my parents went to a party where the theme was to come dressed in poor taste. My mom trashed herself up, but my dad refused to get in the spirit of things, so just wore his normal clothes. He won second place."
"Chickens love cherries."
"Perfume commercials are a comforting reminder that the world makes no sense."
"I literally turn into a 20-ft cyborg narwhal with flame-thrower testicles every time someone says they literally did something."
"I don't have standards. I have sittards."
A: "My worst nightmare is being punched in the face."
B: "That's a stupid thing to be afraid of when you're an asshole."
A: "Ick! What is this music we're listening to??"
B: "It's the Foo Fighters!"
A: "Gross. It sounds like Dave Matthews."
B: "No it does not! No matter what music you don't like, you always say it sounds like Dave Matthews."
A: "This is true, yes."
A: "If you get cremated, I might keep a little piece of you around my neck."
B: "Like my pelvis?"