Friday, January 27, 2012


This week's Quotes of the Week are brought to you by my cross country move with Travis.

"Some people look at this and see a lot of natural beauty, but it's just fucking wastelands."

"This road is so bumpy I'm about to orgasm."

"Why'd that Sheriff use Microsoft Word Art for his logo?"

"You're so cute when you're worried about things!"

Mini: "Goddamn you, Gina! You don't care about me at all. And I see how you treat that cat, too."

"I think it's funny how Texas goes on about how big it is, but it mostly just looks like shit."

"Man, my lips are jacked up. If I ever get hungry, I can eat the scabs on my lips."

 Exchanges:

@dollgina: "Let's pretend those bushes are wild ponies!"
Travis: "Aw, look at the ponies. Well, that was a fun game."

@dollgina: "Sorry I'm a bad navigator!"
Travis: "That's okay, honey, we've only had two wrong turns this entire trip."
@dollgina: "Yeah, but really there's only been like two turns total."
Travis: "Yeah, how do you manage these things?"

Travis: "Shit! We don't have enough for the toll!"
@dollgina: "Well, just put this 60 cents in and hope for the best."
Travis: "What the hell!"
@dollgina: "Go! Go! Go!"

@dollgina: "The view is pretty. It'd be better if there were leaves on the trees."
Travis: "I like trees without leaves."
@dollgina: "Let's just agree to disagree, okay?"

@dollgina: "Ooooh! Candy Factory!"
Travis: "Do you want to stop?"
@dollgina: "Nah, I already have a big fat ass."

@dollgina: "Gross! I hate that bear on the Travelodge signs. How hard is it to find a cute bear to use?"
Travis: "Not hard. In fact, I'd say it's harder to find an ugly creepy one like that one."

@dollgina [looking at iPhone]: "So sad about the tornado. And the strike." [few seconds pass] "Wow!"
Travis: "What now?"
@dollgina: "Oh nothing. I was just doing an optical illusion."

"What is that? Shit throwing shit at a car?" - Travis

Friday, January 20, 2012


"Mormons must be pretty rare in your parts! They are like unicorns. Here, they are like squirrels."

"If you still say 'that's what she said,' I dream of playing Tic-Tac-Toe with a box cutter on your chest."

"Was just told I sound like a 'rich person' on the phone. Huh?"

"Restaurants that don't take debit cards make me want to put stuff on their mouse pads so they have to clean their mouse roller balls a lot."

"Can we just make a new law that people over the age of 45 don't get to make laws about the internet? Call it NOPA."

"Having a family member with Tourette's isn't all that bad if you get a swear jar in your house."

"I'm going to hide a lot of people in my suitcase when we move Saturday. I'll cut breathing holes for them."

"When you get married, you not only gain a best friend but you also get another windshield to clean...Damn you cold weather!"

"One of my students thinks that Medea is going to help Jason get the golden fleas."

"Hollywood is pretty damn good at making baseball movies that aren't really about baseball."

"I find the lack of wizards in today's music appalling."

 Exchange:

A: "Whenever I hear a wine described as 'jammy,' I immediately think of menstrual fluid."
B: "Why, goddamnit, WHY."

Friday, January 13, 2012


"I wish giving up drugs made the mermaid question go away. I imagine a flap in the back. But thanks to whoever said that one cuz now I'm gonna obsess over the baseball question too. Jeez. Maybe I should start drugs up again."

"If the 16th President of the United States didn't call his turds 'Lincoln Logs,' then I don't know what freedom is."

"You are way too hot to be RT'ing that fucking loser."

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry because I recommended that you sign up for autopsy yesterday instead of auotpay."

"Colonel Catpants was my nickname during 7th grade of Catholic School."

"A true Amish will drink the milk directly from the cow."

"I never notice whether a girl spits or swallows. I'm usually too busy doing my 'I Got a Blowjob From Someone Who Isn't Homeless' dance."

"You can learn a lot about a person by breaking into their house when they're at work and stealing their things and selling them."

"Instead of giving out roses on The Bachelor, they need to be giving out kittens. Because let's face it, these bitches are dying alone."

"I'm just like you, I put my pants on one leg at a time, except when my pants are on they're invisible."

 Exchanges:

A: "I couldn’t believe how ugly California was when I first drove across the state line."
B: "Yeah, crossing the line I had expected palm trees and redwoods...like Charlie Brown on Halloween, I got rocks."

A: "I found my mouse!!!!!"
B: "Was that supposed to read 'muse'?"

A: "I didn't know you had kids! Are they a mix of boys and girls?"
B: "There are about 3 boys and 1 girl."
A: "--"

 Screenshot of the Week:

Friday, January 6, 2012


Every other week for a spell, Quotes of the Week will be curated by a special guest. This week there's a theme! Kids say the most f’d up things, brought to you by:
Jodi, a work-from-home mama of darling girls Firecracker and Princess, the wife of one very tall darling, and the Auntie Jo Jo of 12 more darlings. 
~and~
Stephen Mintz, who has decided not to pass his mental health genes along to actual birth children, wisely so. Instead he Mannys his best-good friend's 4 kids.

Jodi: "If you girls don't stop fighting and start sharing, I am going to throw your my little fucking ponies out the window."
Girls: "Okay."
[3 hours later...]
Firecracker: "Moooooommmmy. Have you seen my my little funkin' pony?"

Princess: *burp* "Excuse me, I farted in my mouth."
Jodi: "You mean you burped?"
Princess: "No, I farted. It means I am hungry."

Firecracker: "Mama, why don't we celebrate Christmas?"
Jodi: "We celebrate Chanukah. You know, the festival of lights."
Firecracker: "And King Antiochos."
Me: "Yes and Judas and the Macabees."
Jewish Husband: "Judas?!"
Me: "What?"
Jewish Husband: "!"

Firecracker: "Mama, can you bring me some graham crappers?"
Jodi: "You mean graham crackers?"
Firecracker: "No, I said CRAPPPERS!"
Jodi: "!"
Firecracker: "They are yummy!"

Jodi: "Girls, we have to put conditioner in your hair, it will help get the knots out."
Firecracker: "You mean nuts? Squirrels like nuts."
Princess: "Noooo. She means nuts, like....'you TWO are driving me nuts!'"

Princess: "Mama, I want to be a daddy when I grow up."
Jodi: "Why? What do daddy's do?"
Princess: "They fix things and go to work."
Jodi: "Okay....what do mommy's do?"
Princess: "They go on the 'puter and they hang curtains."
Me: "Ouch."

Firecracker: "Mama? Can I get in bed with you?"
Jodi: "Uggh.....I guess!!!"
Fireracker: "Yuck! I need to go throw up, you smell yucky."

Princess: "Mama, your belly is soft and it wiggles."
Jodi: "Just call me Santa!"

Jodi: "So I was going to book your flight on the red eye? Or do you want to fly out first thing in the morning? Your call."
Sister: "Ummm....."
Jodi: "What?"
Sister: "Is the runway icy in January? I mean will the plane be safe to land after a red eye flight? You know how paranoid I am."
Jodi: "True, that is dangerous. But terrorists generally strike in the am on the first morning flight."
Sister: "!"
Jodi: "How about we just stick to the most economical?"

3yo girl: "Stephy? You have baby in your belly?"
Stephen: "No, I’m just fat."
3yo girl: "So you can feed the baby with your boobies?"

Stephen (teaching about possums): "Possums are night hunters with sharp teeth."
8yo girl: "So this possum might have killed our chickens?"
Me: "No, possums are mostly scavengers – they just see something dead or around anywhere and they say, 'Oooh, food, I’ll eat anything!'"
8yo: "Oh, like you!"

As the 8yo girl and I are watching Toy Story 3, Woody needs to get downstairs and jumps on the dog, who is now old, and who promptly clumps down on his side and starts to sleep:
8yo: "Stephy, look, it’s you!"

4yo boy as Stephen explained why his gramma died:
Stephen: "She was old and got sick and died. Old people die sometimes if they get really sick."
4yo: "But you’re old and you’re not dead."
Me: "!"

And now the reason why we put up with and adore little children:

As the 2yo stood on a tiny stool in the kitchen, eating her pomegranate seeds, her bowl emptied. She held her bowl up expectantly to me, and after I hesitated a bit, produced more seeds for her from behind my back.
As she continued eating: "You a good person, Teffy. You no never mean to me. You always nice to me. You a good person."
Me: ":-D"
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Quotes of the Week Recording Your Words since 2007 @dollgina