13 hours ago
"Seriously, the music they play at work feels like I just walked into an elevator that Christmas just took a crap in."
"I put a 101.1 radio station sticker on my car, not cos I like shitty music, but because I want people to think that's how far I can run."
"I'll eat Morningstar Farms off your ass, I don't care, you're hot."
"I don't often feel selfless, but when I'm with you, I do."
"The politics [at work] are fascinating...to a bored person."
"I'm going to be one of those lonely women who leaves long, bitter reviews on Yelp."
"It's not that God is bad, he just has really shitty brand ambassadors."
"Nothing says 'fuck it' like a 70-year-old man walking down the street in a tween girl's backpack complete with a photo of a boyband character."
"Bought a box of eggs to go along with all the microwave meals to stem the cashier's silent judgment of my life choices. I think I won this round."
"Please keep my aunt in your thoughts. Tonight is when she gets the results from her 'Which Downton Abbey character are you?' Facebook quiz."
"I've got a lady boner for anatomical ignorance and horrible phrases."
"When job interviewers ask me what my greatest weakness is, I tell them Thin Mints. Then we all have a laugh and I apply for another job."
"People who say 'expresso' should have separate drinking fountains from the rest of us."
"Worst book ever...I just finished Where the Red Fern Grows. Don't look at me like that; those dogs didn't need to die. Spoiler alert."
A: "Friday was the 20th...let's see...what did that make Sunday?"
A: "What is Friday minus Sunday?
A: "Jeez! What is 20 minus Sunday?"
B: "You're out of your mind."
A: "Most of my life is spent trying not to think about how someone has probably made a dating site for pets."
B: "My cat uses a picture of me as her profile pic because she has low self-esteem."
Once in a bit, Quotes of the Week is curated by a special guest. This week, quotations were collected by my delightful friend Sabrina Famellos Schmidt, fiber artist extraordinaire. Show her some love by sharing this!
"Neil Diamond concert. It's like a retirement home mosh pit."
"If it kinda creams in your mouth it is a claystone."
"Oooo, fruit gems! I love pectin!"
"I can do math in my head, but not in my mouth."
"My life is measured in stitches and rows, which I guess is better than bitches and hoes."
"Dude, thankfully my daughter knows exactly what happens when you put tab A in slot B."
"You should get a computer. With a computer you can get a girlfriend. Christian singles. We can get one for my dad too. Double date!"
"I just turned this t-shirt over and over in my hands, trying to figure out how to put it on. It's a pillowcase."
"Got my shoes for the fundraiser tomorrow night. I hope everyone going enjoys dry humping feet."
"People that don't answer texts should be punched. In the mouth. With a bowling ball. #imightbegrouchy"
"#ifzombiesattack @SabrinaFamellos would knit them socks, @mikeoz would buy them tacos, @fdotsanchez will confuse the fuck out of them."
"So Gloria Estefan was right; the rhythm is gonna get you."
"I wonder if there are people in Japan explaining what their unreadable tattoo means to their friends...'Oh, it's the English word for...'"
"Sleep is an investment in future productivity."
"I'm sensing Kim's gonna have this guy be her future ex-boyfriend..."
"I have no idea why, but I'm picturing a giant rooster ejaculating into @jamescollier's face right now. Why, why, why!"
"Just stole my son's bowl of Cap'n Crunch and then shot him with Nerf guns. That's good parenting right there."
"Great text that I just got from Ex: 'I blame you! Mollie is convinced snakes eat rice and not mice...lol'"
"We are one step closer to the dream of mandatory gay marriage."
"Why would anyone be obsessed with Belinda Carlisle?! That's like being obsessed with batteries or twine."
"I am in love with this Friday. Butcher paper gaga outfits, chair massage... Is this rapture eve or am I already in heaven?"
A [reaches over to pinch B's nose]
B: "Hey, are you farting?!"
A: "Don't smell it!!"
B [breaking free]: "It smells like...something sweet...like baked cookies? Dude, your fart smells like delicious baked cookies!!"
A: "Status update!!"
A: "Oy, your head...is awfully close to the roof...gone side ways."
B: "The roof, gone side ways? It's called a wall dear. A wall."
A: "Why do they call it a Mexican Fire Drill?"
B: "It's called a Chinese Fire Drill."
A: "Why is it called a Chinese Fire Drill? They don't even have cars in China."
From Toddlers & Tiaras: "Contestent #4 loves to go hunting and fishing. When she grows up, she wants to be a veterinarian so she can help animals."
"#SisterWives is like a Hometown Buffet that only has women for dinner. Not too hot and probably been sitting around too long."
"Because I love, I give people gory drawings of themselves mangled in the gears of giant machines & write 'This probably won't happen!'"
"I wish I could watch you get tasered by a group of dementia patients."
"Tip: Watching porn while on the elliptical machine does not make time go by faster, it just makes you want to get off."
"He's equal parts Hanson and Manson."
"My neighbor is such a weirdo. I was peeking through his window last night & he was eating a candy apple, that's not really an at-home food."
"Warning: if a UFO lands in your garden and little green people emerge shouting 'fuck you,' earth has been invaded by extra tourettestrials."
"Realization: polygamy is basically hoarding."
"Samsung! Antique Road Show stylus phone!"
"Are you an infant or brain damaged?"
"The secret to my success is eliminating things that make the kids crazy, i.e. sugar, shopping trips, park-hopping. We are running out of things to eliminate. Also, Henry said the F word today, in context."
"Gummy bears can be your friends forever! In your intestines."
"Of all the things Travis has said on FB it's amazing the Toddlers & Tiaras comments were the deal breaker. That's amazing."
"Telling that group of elementary school kids that not having a library card was like being 'fisted by failure' was a poor choice of words."
A: "New restaurant in Fresno! It's called 'U.F.Pho".'"
B: "Yeah, but it's pronounced 'Fuh.'"
A: "[They're] U.F.Fuh'ked."
Status: "10 minutes ago I asked @dollgina, 'Can I get you anything?' she said 'yes,' but hasn't told me what she wants yet."
Response: "Maybe she'll tell you in a comment?"
@dollgina [one day later]: "I got distracted by Facebook...Honey! Can you get my book from the car? And some champagne. And draw me a bath!"
A: "I just dropped Travis off at the airport. Next, I shall play with my glass sword, beat an elephant til it cries, and put raw hamburger all over my face."
B: "Wow, you sound like you have an exciting life! How do you manage to come up with all these ideas? My life is so drab compared with yours!"
A: "My New Year's resolution is to delete anyone who runs or bikes over 2 miles per day in order to make me look like a sloth asshole."
B: "Way to make a New Years rez in Feb, Sloth."
"I think if there is one organization that is under investigation, it's Penn State because of that Sandusky guy! Keep fucking that chicken Susan G Komen Race for the Cure!"
"I think the Komen Foundation should have blamed auto-correct. That would have been awesome."
"Dang, that lady had some kind of sweet n sour botulism in her house."
"Saw a tumbleweed roll across Palm today, and thought of you."
"I'm a Pickytarian. I'm not eating puppies or brussel sprouts, but if you want to that's ok with me."
"Let's have another brownie. We don't want people to call us hoarders, we'd better eat them up."
"That sounds a bit like cannibalism. I am sure my husband won't mind if I knaw on his leg tonight for a snack."
"Your a librarian, or was at least. Read the Bible."
"[Travis is] really a Muslim. You have to be a virgin to marry him, and if he finds out you're not he has no choice but to recruit Johnny Slouch to suicide bomb the arch."
"Don't you live in St. Louis, now?"
"Biracial baby = gin+whiskey baby in this damn house."
A: "We see people taking pictures in it all the time and I keep trying to get people to post them on our fb but no one has done it yet :/"
B: "Just pinch them til they post it. The beauty of mobile! They'll have to do it on the spot to stop the pinch."
A: "He has strange pictures of himself with strange celebs. They're either now dead or look miserable in the pics. Except Michael Bolton."
B: "Michael Bolton isn't dead?"
A: "It would be perfect if he was! I'm too lazy to look it up. Let's just pretend he's dead!"
A: "His poor wife is a pretty little thing with strange false breasts and a tan you couldn't even get in hell. The darling!"
B: "His fantasy life is amazing, along with the wifey. They have a pretend TV show that no one watches, a pretend marriage that they defend to the death, and she pretends that she's pretty while he pretends that he's still rich. I just love watching her talk, teeth clenched, lips afraid to move, boobs at the solid ready, fully full bitch mode. I just love watching him work a room, dick turtled under, strutting at full peahen while seriously thinking everyone recognizes him and actually cares. It's a folie a deuxche."